in the middle...

this weekend i went to visit my mom and dad... i have to say it was something i don't look forward to like i use to...let me explain, 4 years ago this thanksgiving day, my mom had a stroke...for those of you that know my mom you know what an unbelievable experience this has been. my mom could do ANYTHING, and i mean it, she was (and still is) the most talented, creative, dedicated woman on this earth. she could find a use for anything, she could make the simplest thing beautiful and ultimately gave me much of the gift and passion for creativity that i now cherish. but now it's different...confined to a wheelchair, frail, stiff...her usual high pitched laugh and her chatty way is stifled, with the exception of expressions and usually incoherent utterances.
don't get me wrong, "she's all in there" but it just can't come out any more. she remembers people, tries to verbalize words, (she's really good at "NO") but, she doesn't even eat the same foods she loved before.
my heart breaks every time i visit...it's so unfair...they both worked so hard all their lives and now in their "golden years" she's limited to "smallness"
it seems that many of my 30 and 40 something friends have found themselves in the same situation. they have their own lives and families but have also found themselves to be caregivers of their aging parents. i never knew it could be so hard. i'm the responsible one, feeling ever obligated to do as much as possible while at the same time keeping all the other plates in my life juggling and balanced. i suddenly see the slightest glimmer of hopefulness and another plate starts to fall and i feel i have to keep them all going.
what does this have to do with mom? everything...my mom was the juggler "extroidinaire" she could single-handedly design and make from scratch our 4th grade play costumes, cook for 22 people as we did every nite, and somehow find time for homework and laundry and.....you get the picture..
i have learned though that even though we can't "talk" we can still communicate, and though running for groceries and mowing their yard may seem menial, it's my way of taking care and giving back the only way i know how - just like she would have...
one bonus i guess from all this is the value of touch - i've always been a hugger but my family was always "distant" - not any more -we all kiss on the cheek or hug or even just sit holding mom's hand while naming the birds in the front yard...
i love you mom...just the way you are, because i know deep down, you are still who you always were - the best mom on earth