you go mom!

haven't we all been there!

choosing not to fail...

I will have failed if God is named, but not praised,
analyzed but not glorified,
seen but not sought.

- Mark Buchanan, The Holy Wild

ahhh...romance...

i had this incredible revelation last nite - actually yesterday was filled with lots of revelation to me personally...in several forms...first there was that "aha" moment that liberated years, if not decades of wrong thinking, then later there were tears, tears of relief, of healing, of recognizing that wounds of the past were real and they really mattered and that's ok (i'll explain more of that later), then peace, then to my utter surprise, romance...in the deepest sense of the word...

i'm sure you're thinking by now i have gone off the deep end, i mean i'm even typing this in pink to get my point across, because in my mind romance is pink and chocolate brown, it's candlelight, it's inviting, it's luxurious, it's subdued, it's valiant...it's precious...

i'm not sure if i'm even qualified to try to convey the feeling that i experienced - let me try this way - have you ever been with someone and just their mere touch made you melt? made you secure? made you wish it would never end? it's almost as if Christ Himself was reaching through that person's body directly to you because He know you needed that touch of a loving, kind Father?

that is the romance i mean...

i've been reading (i know, shocker) a book that i read a couple years back, but never really "got" - maybe it wasn't meant for me to get at that time, maybe it was just to plant the seeds of what i have finally gotten, who knows, but yesterday i picked it up again and that led to the tears part of my day...it wasn't pretty but it sure did feel good...

i think i can honestly say that i haven't felt Jesus' touch like that in so long...but why? i can tell you most simply that it wasn't for a lack of longing but for a lack of inviting. shame is a powerful stronghold - it's crippling emotionally. what was so revealing though was not the fact i experienced shame in areas of my life, but the fact that most of the areas of shame were unfounded at their core. the lies that "you're too much" or "not enough" or "not worth the effort" haunt women daily - every woman...that is a reality, but the simple and beautiful solution is romance - from our precious Lord...it's those days though that we stop running to Him and start seeking other people, things, loves to fill those places where we truly fail...

you know the old saying "there's a God shaped hole in each of our hearts that only He can fill..." but did you ever think of it the other way? If we are created in His image and likeness, it is only right to conclude that "there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual that it was designed for. You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one else and nothing else can fill. He longs for YOU!"

now Zeph. 3:17 has a whole new meaning - He sings over you with delight and longs to dance with you - You are the one that takes His breath away by your beautiful heart, that, against all odds hopes in Him...

"Faithful obedience to God is vital, but it is not all God draws us to. It is not sufficient for our healing, no more than doing the laundry is sufficient for marriage. And it will not be enough in the long run to carry us through...It is holy, fierce passion. Hearts afire."
...For the root of all holiness is Romance...

Growing Up or Growing Old?

there are certain trials in our lives that we all, at one time or another, really don't want to walk through...it would be a much more pleasant experience if we could just go around them, wish them away or in fact never have to face them at all...
today i'm choosing to face one that i've put up on the shelf for a while - i'll let you know later how it goes...this all was instigated by the way at church today...our pastor was talking about the epidemic in american christianity for people to "grow old" in church while never "growing up" in Christ...he coined it as Persistant Infancy Syndrome...
we all know them, people that got saved 20 years ago but have never made it past the new members class, have never discipled, much less ever witnessed to another human being, but yet faithfully attended every service...somehow all along thinking that their very prescence over the years maturity would come...i think at some point in all our lives we could say guilty, but I personally don't do stagnant very well...
the big question though that got me really thinking was this - he challenged us to look back to where we were spiritually just a year ago - and really reflect on have we grown? What about 10 years ago, what about to the day you truly committed your heart and life to Jesus? (in my case that was December of 1983...)
my own answer was a little disheartening - in some areas i can say i have grown and in others i can say i have personally avoided growing in for the mere mortal fact of pain...no one likes pain, but healing can only come when we are truthful with ourselves and our shortcomings.
We've all been hurt, damaged, and wounded, ususally by someone in church with all their well meaning intentions...the walls we build not only keep others out and us "safe", but they keep us "in" where we can't be truly seen...why is it so hard to see that vulnerabilty isn't weakness though, it's strength...

at some point i feel like people stopped seeing me, maybe in reality i just stopped letting them...

Lord, I need your strength to show me how to be vulnerable again...