My head is flooded with questions and I've avoided my heart. I don't want to confront self-righteousness and pride that are encamped. Pressing in, I go to the throne room, freely allowing the images of death, destruction, and complete devastation to wash over my heart, to penetrate my spirit. God meets me there, in the deepest of deep. Darkness will not overcome.
I'm exhausted from Cope. He has been a sneaky, stealthy four letter word. Long ago I gazed at him shiny and new, so appealing to my emotion. Cope would make me feel better about myself. I bought the jumbo pack. But Cope only left a bad after-taste and made me sick to my stomach. The promise on the package lied. I'm tired of substitutions and I want Hope.
For 32 years now I've had "nerve damage." My polite way of saying a nerve disorder; supposedly incurable, partly defined as a "coping" mechanism, or a self-soothing action....I think of that phrase 'self-soothing" and think back of times where the disorder wanes and things in life are calm, then I think of the times when i'm overtaken and the self-soothing of the repetitive, self-destructive behavior that really doesn't self soothe, but leaves a hole of guilt, shame and unworthiness. Shame has been my enemy for so long, not sure why, guess it's my own drug of choice....I've asked hundreds of times for the shame to be healed, removed, just gone and to no avail....hundreds of tears for the fruit of the behavior to be struck and pulled up by the roots...still there...the shame however can be taunting, as if I'm not good enough to be healed, delivered, cured....
Most people have no clue that I'm sensitive, and insecure and vulnerable, because my mask of confidence fools them...or does it really? I think of the times where my opinion has never mattered, or so I've thought, and the times I've so badly wanted to speak up or speak out, but thinking no one would really listen...no to ME...I'm broken, damaged, imperfect...therefore unworthy...
One of my girlfriends told me that some of the other girls I've become acquainted with are "scared" of me - that I seem harsh, or insensitive, hard to get to know. In my heart I want to be that woman that God's wisdom gushes from in sweet wise words...instead there's only bluntness, only black and white...I wear my feelings openly, if I'm mad, you know it, if I'm sad, you know it...you get the picture...However, I don't think anyone really knows the real me, or has ever taken the time to....hence the shame, the fear, the emptiness...I'm not worthy to be known...
Have I ever really allowed God to have ALL of my heart? All of me? I'm tired of just coping...I want more...I want God to tear the band-aid off all the wounds, all the broken places, all the hidden things and stop the coping, and start living...
