those that know me, know I've never met a stranger...I'm an extrovert and pride myself on being able to converse with anyone...not so much anymore it was painfully apparent...I didn't realize how much "what I did" was so much a part of my identity...when person after person asked "so, what do you do?" I somehow felt inferior and almost embarrassed to answer "I take care of both my parents full time..." followed by the almost pitiful "Oh" response and something to the effect of "That must be really difficult" or "I'm sure they appreciate it". And then the "Well, it was nice to meet you..." and move on to the next, more interesting and successful person...
I'm not sure which disappointed me more...the feeling that I no longer have anything of worth to contribute because I don't have a "job" or a "career" or the feeling that my worth is only portrayed to others by what I do...It was partly heartbreaking and partly eye-opening. What makes up the worth of a person? Is it their connections and their potential to make money for others? Or is it the value of the commitment to thier family and beliefs? I would hope it was the latter.
As I drove away, I felt empty, awkward, no longer able to contribute, no longer a place that I belong or am important...are the days of valuable experiences I had not worth the time I've spent "away" from corporate America? Are the years of business building, networking and successes voided because I no longer interact on a daily basis with the "rat race" and the "keeping up with the Joneses?" The fact my PDA is no longer booked, I don't "lunch" with the "in" crowd, much less get out of my PJ's before noon if I'm lucky, somehow makes me "less"? I'm perplexed, saddened...
My contentment, fortunately, comes from within and comes from the God that has personally chosen me and my heart to reside. I love the lyrics from JJ Heller's song, Until You Came Along, "Falling in love with you was easy, You were always meant to have my heart; I was broken all to pieces, You were there to be the missing part."
But I have to admit, in my own humanness, I did feel somewhat inadequate to those that were "doing" something...guess I have to admit that I just want to be "somebody" to those around me...and in a way, I'm not anymore...
Awkward...it's just new to me, and I don't like it...I admit I'm not in familiar waters both professionally and personally...I was always the confident one, the one who knew where she was going, what was next, who she was...not so much anymore...
