JUST THINK...

you're not here by chance,
  but by God's choosing.


His hand formed you
  and made you
  the person you are.


He compares you to no one else -
  you are one of a kind.


You lack nothing,
  that His grace can't give you.


He has allowed you to be here
  at this time in history
  to fulfill His special purpose
  for this generation...

Mary Did You Know?

written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene

Mary, did you know

that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know


that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know,


that your baby boy has come to make you new?


This child that you've delivered,
will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know

that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know

your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know,

that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

When you kiss your little baby,

you've kissed the face of God.


The blind will see

The deaf will hear

The dead will live again.

The lame will leap

The dumb will speak

The praises of The Lamb.


Mary, did you know

that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know,

that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?

This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.

memories...

in 1985 i graduated from High School and ventured out that fall on the start of my life's journey...i say start, because it was the first time it was MY journey, all mine...not guided or directed by mom and dad, or others, my turn....

it began on third floor of Hawkes Hall at LaGrange College...back then I was a 17 year old freshman, now as I visited there this weekend, one of the first times I'd been back with the exception of when I was engaged (the first time...) to enjoy the old AOPi circle...things have changed since then, the campus is still as beautiful as ever...growing too...my old dorm is now air conditioned (you lucky devils!) You just can't fully appreciate dorm life without airconditioning!  two of the frat houses have relocated, and there are several more buildings than before, yet the same feeling resides - the hope for the future, the excitement of what is to come...the Chapel was open and the same peacefulness I found many years ago while searching for my life's calling still remained - the beauty of the sun through the stained glass windows, the smell of the wooden pews, the years of grace that was poured out to the students that found solace there....i remember many tears in that chapel, but most of all i was reminded that the journey that God placed in my heart so many years ago, the desire to serve Him above all is still rooted in my heart...while I may feel distant right now, waivering at sea, and somewhat misplaced, the anchor is still there...in His hand. 

and then there was the clock tower...not on campus, but still a place of dear, romantic memories...maybe a few regets of the one that got away, but more thoughts of "what could have been" compared to "what is"...i do think that things may be just as they were intended, but still always wonder...

I don't think, however, I could of ever imagined from those small beginnings the route I've taken, so many interesting places I've traveled, so many incredible experiences, people I've had the privilege of meeting, and relationships that have been nurtured through the years...
I was reminded of how in the Bible whenever God brought his people out of something he told them to "make a memorial to me" so you will always remember and never forget what I've done...well LaGrange is a place, that in my heart, I have always held as one of those memorials...as a place I will never forget, a beginning and a place I can look back to as a remembrance of what God has done in my life...

screaming doesn't really help...

you know there comes a point where a good cry or a good scream (with all the windows down over the Dames Point Bridge) really helps...but I think I'm past it....I'm exhausted...everyday every little ounce of life I have left is sucked out of me and very, very rarely is enough put back in to balance out the deficit...I keep saying just hold on, Friday is almost here and 2 days away will really help....

i had no idea when this whole season started it was going to be so hard, i knew it a little but not like this emotional roller coaster.  there are days (most of them) that I ask God when?  when is this going to be over?  I so can't do this anymore...then I feel gulity for asking, which only makes things worse....am i being a whiner?  or just a human at the end of her own ability waiting for something to change?  a little of both i'm sure...

i'm sick of all the mundane, disgusting daily little tasks that in some way should seem honorable and noble...trust me they don't...and trust me I've said it before and I shout it loud - there's a HUGE reason I'm not a nurse...

have mercy on me today Lord...there's only so many more diapers, hankies, tissues, meds., potty runs (you get the idea) I have left in me...

empty...

if there was one word that could describe the place i'm at it's empty...i feel i have nothing left to give, nothing left to say (like anyone listens anyway), and no reason to keep going on....in my mind i know this is temporary, how temporary has become questionable (now month 16) but it will come to an end - its the not knowing when.  every day i just ask for it to be over, selfishly asking i'm sure, but i'm just so....well, empty.
you would think there would be some ounce of fulfillment, something to smile about, some small gratifying moment...there's not...the breaks don't help anymore, just a greater dread of what i have to come back to and a deep despair of when i'll get away again...

mixed reviews...

ok, so I know with Thanksgiving Day approaching I should have something profound to write, well that is someone's expectation I presume...

Thanksgiving Day however I have very mixed reviews....I look at this way, 7 years ago this Thanksgiving Day mom had her stroke, and the "day" itself has not been the same.  Granted, last Thanksgiving Day was the day dad came home from the hospital so you would think that would balance things out...for me it doesn't.  November in general just doesn't score high on my list...it's more a month of sad events then fun family gatherings.  Grandpa died November 7th 1994, Uncle Russell died the week of Thanksgiving 2002, actually the last thing I have that mom wrote before her stroke were from parts of Uncle Russell's eulogy she was helping with.  I had a car wreck the week grandpa died, actually on the way to the hospital to see him.  Maybe I'm focusing on too many icky things but the "day" of Thanksgiving just isn't the same as it was when Grandma was still here and mom was busy hustling and bustling, decorating every platter in the way she could only do.

I'm thankful don't get me wrong, but it's daily not just this one day...  I think I'd like to just keep the old Thanksgiving Day memories and let this just be another day on the calendar...we'll see...

i really miss having a life....

I call you friend.

"Insomuch as anyone pushes you nearer to God, they are your truest friend."
-- Author Unknown

thankful...

well like i said before practicing gratitude changes one's perspective...

when you are thankful for what you have, the "things" that you lack don't seem quite as important....here's my thankful list for the day,

so far:

my POOH!

coffee

the Yankees won!

strawberry - kiwi yogurt

forgiveness

smooch, the 'adopted' kitty

that we made it through October with $14 to spare

computers & the internet

my friend Brenda

creativity

laundry - it means i have clothes to wear

Pastor Russ and SCC

facebook - so nice to be able to be connected to all my friends everywhere

this beautiful day!

still blessed from my free meal from Sunday at Buca di Beppo

life:beautiful magazine

faithful renters

God always providing, and He really does love me THAT much!

maria, the home health aide, she rocks.

sleep :)
diapers that don't leak
hugs and kisses

Chad is at Salvation Army rehab now...

mom laughing, at the right things...

and so much more...

turning the corner...

you ever just have one of those feelings that you've turned a corner in your life and things just have a new outlook? you can't really explain it, things just feel different, your outlook is different - new, fresh. this last week has been like that, albeit it started with a rough nite Friday with mom being awake till 6:30 am (thus me also being awake til then) and just when finally dozing off, the doorbell rings for the cable guy at 8:30...well at least the U-verse was up in time to watch Florida beat Georgia in sparkling hi-definition! and thankfully tonite is daylight savings, so i can hopefully regain a little of last night's missed sleep!

so back to turning corners....i'm not sure if i've just become settled, maybe content is a better word, or if the practice of gratitude has just changed my perspective on things, but things are good. i pay attention to more "little" blessings each day, and am thankful that things are taken care of...the house is refinanced, the renters signed two more years on the lease, i was blessed with an amazing free lunch Sunday totally out of the blue (thanks God, I know you had a hand in that!), everyone is well, the bills are paid...

i've started this new thing too, every time i get frustrated with mom or dad, but usually mom, i pray right then and there...the first few times it was every five minutes, but gradually my patience has grown and the frustration level has decreased...amazing how things just don't really matter when we focus on Him.

anyway, i'm looking forward to what is around this corner...i'll keep you all posted!

Thanks Pastor Andy...

"I know this can't be an easy season, but I am so very proud of you - even though that is not what you seek. But you're right that it's a season and every season has it's success. I too am a person used to being on the move and I can well imagine that I would be feeling the same way...Do remember that the door is not locked and you are there each day by choice, and its a noble choice you have made which sounds odd in a day when so many people are so self-centered...This is possible and you shouldn't consider it optional - whatever else that might cost. Paul said, "I die daily" and I'm sure you could relate."

the garden...

you would think by my blog title that i actually have a garden, a physical one, not so much the spiritual one implied by the original blog entry...well i don't not really, not right now at least. right now it's my parents 4 overwhelming acres that seems to need to be mowed every other day thanks to the fact fall has not reached north florida yet.

i was praying for insight to view the progress in that spiritual garden though, occasionally i have glimpses of where it's at, in a dream or just simply by asking...this time however the glimpse was not what i had expected. there's a section in my garden that has an arch and my favorite climbing rose; it's shady and calm in that little place, an escape from reality almost, the sheer beauty of its graceful rambling, the buttery softness of the masses of blooms...unexpected because it's been hard to feel or see beauty in anything right now, i was expecting the glimpse of the garden to be dry and rocky with more work, more toil...it was a welcome surprise and a refreshment, an encouragment, to keep plowing, keep digging, keep watering, keep waiting...and a welcome reminder that somethings once planted can develop within us and around us on their own, without our labor; just like when we hide God's word in our heart, it grows from within us, silently, expanding, producing a beauty we could never create on our own.

I quit....

I sooooooooooooooooooo can't do this anymore....

just venting....

venting, i guess that's what this is - i'm beyond myself emotionally....cannot wrap my mind around this whole taking care of my parents thing.
i battle daily with personal loss - loss of career, loss of my home, loss of any idea of ever having a future again, loss of fun, enjoyment, sleep....and that loss confronts the fact that mom doesn't want to be in wheelchair, that then turns to guilt in the fact that i'm being selfish that the life that was robbed from her, i can help return to her in some little way daily...yet i'm empty, lonely, ....i'm short tempered, impatient, selfish...desperate for someone that understands
no one does....no one
i even question if Jesus understands, He never had to take care of His mom and dad, He never saw them old and feeble and helpless...How can anyone that has never been there really have any idea....my faith is strong in some areas, but in this one thing Lord help my unbelief...

more often then not, too often that i'm ashamed to admit, i just want it all to be over so i can move on...i'm tired of the fight, the effort, the struggle, the daily battles...i just want to give up, walk away into oblivion, disappear....not that i'm not already invisible anyway, but totally disappear...

there is a balance that eludes me, a satisfaction that evades me, a happiness that is so far from me right now...i know things have been taken care of, but right now it's just not enough...
i have no meaning anymore, no purpose anymore, nothing to strive for anymore - just the daily monotony....nothing to accomplish, only routine; nothing to reach for, only smallness...
i thought i was suppose to be somebody, do something important, guess i was wrong...if this is all there is, i want out...

my prayer...

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory
and He is here



And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship


This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I am filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow.

-Hillsong, "Prayer in the Desert"

men...and marriage...

A young girl asked, 'Is it true Mom, that in some parts of Africa a woman doesn't know her husband until she marries him?' Mom replied, "That happens in every country."

I'm not Leah...and that's OK...

i go through the periods of reflection, i guess we all do, it's part of the growth process...seeing where we are, where we've been, where we'd like to be...this time i've really been asking the Lord to possess character like this person's kindness, or this person's wisdom...i think we all have this image in our mind of who or what we think we should be like and when we see in demonstrated in someone else we think "if i only could be like that!" Maybe it's just me (don't think so but maybe...) i think my picture has changed over the years, i still am envious of those women that seem to spew Godly gentleness and kindness with their every word, that when they open their mouths you know greatness is getting ready to happen...i think that picture always had this part that said "you are going to be somebody" you know, someone significant...

as i was reading an article of a interior decorator that i admire, i remember saying in my heart, "Lord i want to have her life, to be just like her..." and as clear as you are hearing these words from me, the Lord spoke to my heart and said "You will never be 'just like her' because I have made you 'just like you'. Not that your are any lesser than her, or greater than her...just different than her." The things you have done and experienced and have lived I have specifically designed for you, she couldn't do what you have done, you couldn't do what she has done...it's that simple...take joy in knowing I admire you for exactly who and what you are and enjoy transforming and changing you into my image and walking with you in your perfect will...

no matter how insignificant i think my life may be, i guess i have become significant, in God's plan...so I praise God for my bluntness and ask Him to sprinkle it with kindness, and I praise God for my inability to say the right thing all the time and ask Him for His grace when i truly need His words, and I praise God for making me, me...and ask that He continues to change me to all that He wants me to be...


I still admire Leah's talent, and when she speaks how her words flow of God's love and sweetness, and, oh, i really like her haircut...but I'm Ok to NOT have her life, because God has given me mine...and even though at times it seems small, and insignificant to me...He doesn't see it that way...

feed me...

I heard this story today and thought it was an amazing illustration on selfishness. It was taught in the context of marriage, but you will see how it can be applied in all areas of selfishness in our lives:

"It was a story I had heard years ago about the difference between heaven and hell. I really liked it and had used it for years. It isn't a biblically accurate story, but that's not the point. It is accurate related to human behavior and how our attitudes affect our happiness in life and in marriage. Here it is.
In heaven and in hell there is a banquet table where people are seated and before them is a great feast. A strange dilemma both in heaven and in hell is the way they must eat. In both places every person has eating utensils strapped to their hands that they cannot take off. Also, the utensils are too long for them to feed themselves. There is no way they could scoop food and return it to their own mouths.
In heaven, the people find the solution easily. With joy, they just feed each other and have a great time of fellowship as they serve one another and enjoy the feast that heaven offers. Hell is much different. The people in hell are so selfish that they would rather starve to death than help someone else. Therefore, even though they have the same food available, they never experience it because they refuse to serve each other.
Like I said before, it isn’t an accurate account of what the Bible says and most likely it will never happen. It is however, a very accurate picture of the difference between good and bad marriages. The primary difference in many cases between success or failure in marriage is simply whether you are motivated by selfishness or a servant attitude.

Just like in the story, we can’t meet our own needs. We are helpless to give ourselves the things that only our spouse can give. Also, just like in the story, a banquet is set before us in marriage. Both of us bring to the marriage amazing giftings, abilities and traits that can nourish and bless our spouses. However, they can only be experienced if we focus on each other and are willing to serve and give.
I remember back to our marriage in the "hell" days when I was too selfish to meet Karen’s needs or focus on her. We lived in an emotional wilderness where both of us were miserable. I resented Karen for not meeting my needs and she felt the same way about me. Karen was better than me though, because she was the first one willing to feed me even if I wouldn’t feed her.
I also remember when our season in hell ended and the "heaven" years began approximately thirty years ago. I saw the light and repented for my selfishness. Since then Karen and I have been committed to serving each other and meeting each others needs. Our marriage has been blessed ever since and has grown in passion and intimacy."

are you willing to "feed others" around you?

wordle, part 2

http://www.wordle.net/

honor your father and mother, part 2...

well it's been a while since i've taken any time to sit down and write; things have been so different these last few months - i've been back here 8 months now and there are days when i think i'm truly going crazy and days where i rejoice knowing i am honoring my parents...

some days i wonder, how much longer...then i return to the thought of what must happen and what the family i must go through to get to the next step...

some days i wonder if this is all there will be for a long time....

i miss "my" life...my friends, my home, my work (who'd think i'd ever say that!)

things are really simple, somedays too simple...

i do read more, sleep less, work harder in the yard, in the house...and some days i work less...

i look forward to selling my house in GA and paying off some debt...

i spend a whole lot less...don't really "need" much either...

i look for opportunities to make some money but don't stress about bringing in the big bucks anymore...

a hectic day is too many diaper runs and the cable going out...well at least the cable part is a big deal to mom & dad, i like the peace and quiet personally...

never thought i would enjoy a trip to wal mart or the pharmacy, but it gives me some normalcy...

a treat is still starbucks, and sundays are still cherished as a day of rest and refreshing...

i still have the perfect house plan, not sure where it will be built...i think of the day when this is "all over" and what i will do, travel to nashville i'm sure, travel somewhere, maybe rent a RV and just go and go until i find that perfect place for the house...oh, and i'll sleep, all nite...

no one ever said how hard this would be...i like being skinny though, i've lost 26 pounds, think it's around 22 now though...that's still ok, i love being a size 4 or 6 and sometimes 8, it's all relative anyway...

SMILE!!!

I got my braces off today! HAPPY SMILE! (ignore the hair, just look at the teeth!) Thanks to all at Fender-Goggans Orthodontics!

design your life...

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose ..."

-switchfoot

2009!

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Healthy Self-Knowing Believer