just venting....

venting, i guess that's what this is - i'm beyond myself emotionally....cannot wrap my mind around this whole taking care of my parents thing.
i battle daily with personal loss - loss of career, loss of my home, loss of any idea of ever having a future again, loss of fun, enjoyment, sleep....and that loss confronts the fact that mom doesn't want to be in wheelchair, that then turns to guilt in the fact that i'm being selfish that the life that was robbed from her, i can help return to her in some little way daily...yet i'm empty, lonely, ....i'm short tempered, impatient, selfish...desperate for someone that understands
no one does....no one
i even question if Jesus understands, He never had to take care of His mom and dad, He never saw them old and feeble and helpless...How can anyone that has never been there really have any idea....my faith is strong in some areas, but in this one thing Lord help my unbelief...

more often then not, too often that i'm ashamed to admit, i just want it all to be over so i can move on...i'm tired of the fight, the effort, the struggle, the daily battles...i just want to give up, walk away into oblivion, disappear....not that i'm not already invisible anyway, but totally disappear...

there is a balance that eludes me, a satisfaction that evades me, a happiness that is so far from me right now...i know things have been taken care of, but right now it's just not enough...
i have no meaning anymore, no purpose anymore, nothing to strive for anymore - just the daily monotony....nothing to accomplish, only routine; nothing to reach for, only smallness...
i thought i was suppose to be somebody, do something important, guess i was wrong...if this is all there is, i want out...