i am not forgotten...

this weekend i painted, and painted, oh, and painted....when i finished painting i put together 4 really large bookcases and unpacked my extensive library...as i unpacked, i reflected, purged and was humbled to find a journal from 1993.
i browsed through the pages, reading the truths the Lord had graciously showed me and i found an entry that actually summed up my life in present day...
"child, you are not forgotten" the words that were poured out on me that particular day came flooding back, and with new meaning they rejoined my spirit. in the last few years i feel i have floundered...not in a backsliding way but in a way that can only be described as "loss"
is it possible to lose the dreams you once had, the talents you were once given, the passion you thought would carry you? i say undeniably, yes...
those of you that know me that i'm one of those sickeningly fortunate people to which things come easily - abilities are natural and to that my downfall. when you can do it all you don't necessarily need to depend on anyone; when you think you are capable and able, you don't have need for help. it is only in dependence that comes independence however.

as i sat in worship sunday evening, the words of that journal and the precious song that is my strength today rang over and over - "I am not forgotten, HE knows my name."

i so want my passion back, i so want my talents to be rekindled and the vision i once had for children and ministry to be ignited - but not in my strength, for it will fail me. I know that I have a destiny far greater than my simplistic understanding can grasp. I am encouraged that there is a future bigger than me when I choose to return to first love, not my own abilities.

i am thankful beyond words that I am not forgotten - that He knows my name, He hears my every call, He sees my every tear, and hears me when I call...

buried treasure...

"there is no shortage of things in life that cause you to bury your heart and soul..." this statement echoed in my heart as i read the pages leading up to this conclusion. did you ever pick up a book one day only to set it aside and seemingly pick it up at "just the right time?" this has been one of those books. it has one of those composite titles that implies you can wrap up the sum of life's choices in 9 tidy principles, which i usually hesitate to gravitate to - but in this case it was the reality and bluntness of the principle titles that enticed me...still, however, i can't seem to move beyond the first principle - uniquely entitled "dig it up" for the mere fact that it resonates alongside the place where i have found myself reflecting most recently.
there's a brief story of two girls - both had similar childhoods and found early on the fascination for building and art. one was nurtured in her desires, taught discipline in her schoolwork and the other discouraged, convinced by those around her that her dreams were small and insignificant. the one became a great architect, ironically what i always dreamed of being, seeing my ideas come to life in wood and stone and brick; the second, never had clear direction in her life, she went to school, but never pursued her passion for building...both had beautiful buildings inside their soul waiting to come out, but would the second girl's ever see the light of day? what are the beautiful buildings in my own life? are the visible and tangible, or still invisible with potential?
when did i lose touch with those things i always dreamed of doing? when did i bury my own passion, or potential, or desire for the sake of fear, or acceptance, or lack of acceptance? when did the invisible things of my soul from which everything visible is created cease making their way to the outside world?
the Lord gracefully gives us all the opportunity "to dig it all up" and once we have chosen to do so we then can do one of two things with it - sow it, or throw it away...obviously when we reach down or back and pull up those good things that have been buried - a dream, a talent, or desire - we want to see it grow so we must find an outlet to sow it, plant it, water it, fertilize it. however not all we dig up is good, there are hurts, anger, cynicism, loss, grief - those things may be painful, ugly - those we should throw away - by processing them, asking and allowing the Lord to heal it, grieve it or repent of it. just as in the parable of the talents, two stepped out with the gifts they were given and took risks, increasing what they were given - one allowed fear to keep him from stepping out, burying his gift, not only to fail to increase what he had been given, but to actually lose it in the end. we all have places of both in our lives, but we still can choose what we do with those.

you see we are growing a garden in your heart; some things you wish to increase, and others you need to weed out. either way requires caretaking, this is your job as guardian of your own heart, which the Lord mentions many, many times in His Word to guard our heart with all dilligence; there is very little growth and reward in life without taking risks...avoidance of risk however is the greatest risk of all.
I challenge you to become aware of whatever is in your heart and "dig it up", weigh it, deal with it, talk it through, pray about it, until you know, with wisdom, exactly what you need to do with it, and then take action.
one more thought rings true:
"there are no benign tumors of the heart - they all spread cancer into their visible world where they destroy all that one is trying to build - relationships, reaching goals, happiness and fulfillment. no matter what a person is trying to accomplish, if he is walking around with unresolved matters of the heart, his life will be negatively effected." my ultimate purpose is to glorify God, and if that being my ultimate purpose don't you think He has the ability to take all those buried things and turn them into treasure that will help someone else? I do.

in the middle...

this weekend i went to visit my mom and dad... i have to say it was something i don't look forward to like i use to...let me explain, 4 years ago this thanksgiving day, my mom had a stroke...for those of you that know my mom you know what an unbelievable experience this has been. my mom could do ANYTHING, and i mean it, she was (and still is) the most talented, creative, dedicated woman on this earth. she could find a use for anything, she could make the simplest thing beautiful and ultimately gave me much of the gift and passion for creativity that i now cherish. but now it's different...confined to a wheelchair, frail, stiff...her usual high pitched laugh and her chatty way is stifled, with the exception of expressions and usually incoherent utterances.
don't get me wrong, "she's all in there" but it just can't come out any more. she remembers people, tries to verbalize words, (she's really good at "NO") but, she doesn't even eat the same foods she loved before.
my heart breaks every time i visit...it's so unfair...they both worked so hard all their lives and now in their "golden years" she's limited to "smallness"
it seems that many of my 30 and 40 something friends have found themselves in the same situation. they have their own lives and families but have also found themselves to be caregivers of their aging parents. i never knew it could be so hard. i'm the responsible one, feeling ever obligated to do as much as possible while at the same time keeping all the other plates in my life juggling and balanced. i suddenly see the slightest glimmer of hopefulness and another plate starts to fall and i feel i have to keep them all going.
what does this have to do with mom? everything...my mom was the juggler "extroidinaire" she could single-handedly design and make from scratch our 4th grade play costumes, cook for 22 people as we did every nite, and somehow find time for homework and laundry and.....you get the picture..
i have learned though that even though we can't "talk" we can still communicate, and though running for groceries and mowing their yard may seem menial, it's my way of taking care and giving back the only way i know how - just like she would have...
one bonus i guess from all this is the value of touch - i've always been a hugger but my family was always "distant" - not any more -we all kiss on the cheek or hug or even just sit holding mom's hand while naming the birds in the front yard...
i love you mom...just the way you are, because i know deep down, you are still who you always were - the best mom on earth

the big picture of things...

we all know that time is fleeting, and that we should appreciate the little time we have here on earth and value every second of it. it seems that this week has been filled with tragedy, at least in my little corner of the world...most not directly related to me but in my community as a whole. i have never been a negative person, sarcastic yes, but rarely, if ever pessimistic...i feel it's how we perceive and respond to situations on a daily basis that determines our future - the reap what you sow principle applies to every aspect of our lives - how we treat people, giving, even our inner heart attitude. by no means do i have this perfected, i have grumpy, bad attitude days myself, but try my best to maintain a level of perspective by remembering this little phrase: "in the big picture of things, will this really matter?" will my snappy attitude turn someone away from the love of God, will my impatience in traffic really get me there faster, if i don't "show up" today to where ever i'm suppose to be, fully- mentally and emotionally, will someone's life be affected?
when i worked in publishing, i used this quite frequently - saying "in the big picture of things it's just a book" now this was no excuse to not do all i could to meet deadlines and satisfy publishers, but when it got to the point there was physically nothing on earth i was able to do to make something happen, i would just take a deep breath and remember "it's just a book", the earth won't stop spinning, it will just be late.
today i was feeling overwhelmed though with the sense that i have no time...well is that really true? or am i just not choosing to use the time i have wisely? are the goals i've set so unrealistic that i've created my own stress? i want to work out, i wan to landscape the yard, i want to paint the bathroom, i want to see friends, i have work and school related commitments, i need to clean the house, wash the car, and sometimes sleep...i want to find an outlet to minister, to also be ministered to...is it just all too much? i hear my parents talk of simpler times, were they really simpler?
i don't really have a conclusion or an answer today - just questions that needed to be verbalized...i think that because i'm such a "do-er" that it's hard to just "be"...
in the big picture of thing though - i hope my "being" is enough...

the pot at the end of the rainbow...

a while back a friend sent me this photo...the irony at the time was hysterical - i was working out of a beautifully decorated model home, with unfortunately NO running water...each cold winter day i would trek across the barren yard to the the pink "girls only" port-a-potty, just wishing the city would catch up with the pace of the construction in the subdivision and provide us with glorious indoor plumbing. it was only a few short days after this email that my wish was granted but i held onto this photo to remind me of how grateful we should be, but how ungrateful we normally are. there are people on this earth that have never even seen running water, much less a port-o-potty...that we, as americans, seem to be entitled to, or to have right to...

my dad told me a long time ago the only right we have as an employee is the right to quit. my grandpa told me too that you have no right to complain, if you have no solution to the problem yourself. my Heavenly Father also tells me that I gave up all my rights when I chose to follow His Son Jesus...the only right i have is in Him, to take up my cross daily and follow Him, the rest i lay down, mostly willingly, sometimes hesitantly...

I'm glad the rainbow ends right there, it's a constant reminder of how privileged we are and how grateful we should be...

spare tires...

corrie ten boom once asked, "is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?"
i was faced with this question in a literal sense this past weekend...i was driving along enjoying my errands and a little bit of retail therapy, and all of a sudden from a truck in front of me on the highway, a large piece of metal comes flying towards my car...i veered right sharply to miss the full impact, as the projectile ripped the side walls off my two left tires. they of course were immediately flat, and my initial reaction after the adrenalin kicked in was anger; anger in the fact the trailer had no license plate, i now had 2 flat tires, and was left on the side of the road alone...i managed to steer slowly to the parking lot of a CVS pharmacy, where i searched a telephone book for a tow truck...now mind you, this was labor day weekend and no one was open. i finally got in touch with jerry's wreckers, jerry told me to call this other guy john at the tire store and he would come get me; john was gone, so i called jerry back, after 4 other contacts he told me to try (none being available at 4:45 on saturday) he reluctantly gave in and came to get me and tow my car to the only open tire store...the silver lining you ask? well, first i wondered why i was so angry, they're just tires after all; and second i wondered how the Lord could possible use such a situation for any good..so i prayed just exactly that - Lord how can any good possibly come of this?

it turns out that the young man, josh, that fixed my tires, was new to the area, and was searching, for purpose, direction and destiny... josh is the age of my step sons, 19, mature, graduated in the top 10 of his class, hardworking, and just needing a push in the right direction; I talked to him for a long while and he got his number to call him again, to help him connect with some other young men that can be a strength in his life...and for one older man in particular that can truly counsel him in the vocational dreams he has...

it also turns out that my insurance covers towing - imagine that...all the anger that could have been misdirected over two lousy tires was steered to His glory by a simple prayer...
so i ask again, is prayer your steering wheel today, or just your spare tire? do you take your needs to the Lord first, or is it only your last resort?

caution tape...

i'm thinking this rant for lack of a better word today is going to be much more appreciated by the female friends in my life, but hey, maybe some of you guys can learn a thing or two...
two or three days a month it seems that i am overtaken by an alternate being - one without rational thought or emotional balance of any sort, and certainly lacking in any sort of tact, filter for the mouth or patience for those driving less than the speed limit in the fast lane;
i think however that someone in the vast universe should have written down all those "unwritten" rules that women should and should not do those two or three days...at the top of that list should be "never get your hair cut when under the influence of PMS". first, you are already delusional enough to take with you that photo of the perfect hair of meg ryan or halle berrie and assume that you will come out transformed to their very likeness, and not just their hair and second you will always regret that impulsive trendy style at least for the next 6 weeks...
next on the list would be car maintenance; now to all that know me, i can change my own oil, tires, spark plugs, and will attempt just about anything else, but there must be some subliminal sign that we emit that says "hey, i'm a woman and i know nothing about cars, please overcharge me now." my simple wiring issue has now become my sole desire to trade in my car for a new one just so i don't have to hear the words "new transmission".
third on the list, and these really are in no particular order, as they can randomly occur at any time, is realize the words coming out of my mouth have no real meaning or substance whatsoever, and in reality, if you were really in tune and listening, you would actually know i probably mean the exact opposite...
they should make this caution tape like they have at construction sites or better yet crime scenes that we can wrap around ourselves for that brief period of time, and take down when all things are clear...
with that said, i'm going to get some m&m's and popcorn...yes and eat them together!!!

friend...

"Who am I that You are mindful of me? That you hear me, when I call? Is it true that you are thinking of me? How you love me, It's amazing - I am a friend of God...You have called me friend..."
These lyrics have been playing in my heart the last few days, over and over, on several occasions I've begun humming or singing the words..It is truly amazing, that I am a friend of God; it's truly amazing on days when I should be friendless, I have a friend that will never leave or forsake me, who sticks closer than a brother...
when i was a child i was never one of those girls that had scads of girlfriends, i actually despised the cliques but i guess in some deep way envied them. I had a few select true girlfriends here and there, but mainly a loner of my own design; I never understood the importance of someone you could pour your heart out to without fear of shame; as i get older i cherish the friends God gives me, if even for a short season, I seek for meaning in their connection; I long for their encouragement and wisdom and advice...for me to even admit that I need a friend was a huge step a few years back; when you build walls around your heart to keep out the hurts you also don't realize that those same walls that you build to guard you also imprison you...when i grew up things "weren't discussed" and everything was "always fine" - it's taken so long to know that denial is not normal, denial is just that, denial...
there is still a level that i guard, i think we all have to guard our hearts as a matter of principle, but it's coming to the the realization that the place of being vulnerable is the only route to greater freedom and strength - almost ironic really.
none of us can ever meet all the needs of another person - we weren't designed for that, and that is my greatest fault at my core...searching for that "man" to make it all better - that person to take care of me, do it for me, answer the questions for me - not a "man" in the literal sense of the word, but another human being that will provide the fulfillment for the longing in my heart...that's a lot to ask of someone, draining really, that's why only the Lord can be that someone, he knows the voids, the wounds, the vacancies - He alone knows how to fill them; so why then do I still turn to "man," is it easier? maybe in the soulish immediate sense...
in 1 Timothy 1:15-16 it's easy to identify with Paul, being a great leader yet still seeing himself as the greatest sinner of them all...we all look back with regrets, we all have mistakes that haunt us in some way or another, but, just as Paul never saw himself as a perfect Christian, only a person who needed and received mercy from God, we all must depend on God. it's hard to face your flaws, and painful to look at them, but it is never hopeless because the sins you've committed are not beyond God's forgiveness, His great love and His acceptance of you not based on your efforts.
I am a friend of God, HE called me friend - and that I am truly amazed!!

significance...

as i was writing a precious friend of mine today, i was remembering what someone spoke to me i guess maybe 20 years ago now...i was a very young Christian, insecure in my own skin, naive, over-trusting...at that age when i wanted so much more, but the process seemed so difficult...
I remember distinctly as this person spoke this to me - you are God's garden, your heart is His garden...at the time i was vulnerable, wounded, damaged if you will, but the picture that was described to me remains as vivid today as it did then - there were rolling hills far off, a gentle stream down one side, it was a beautiful crisp, clear day, and a lone fragile fence adorned with pink climbing roses...but what i remember most was as i looked in one direction, there was only the color gray...shades varied from light to dark, it was cold, jagged, barren...i thought to myself "what part of my life does that represent?" "how could that be in my heart?" as the days moved on my questions were answered, the tragedy that happened at that time in my life i can fault to no one, no matter how hard i tried, what was taken from me, was exactly that, taken...but restoration would come, trust would be regained, and mending would take place in so many ways...and the lesson that a garden is a process, and will always be remains a theme in my life today...
over the years, I would remember the garden, as I would pray, I could see how some areas were still dusty and rocky, some were matted with weeds, thorns and briars, some where the gate held tightly to keep things in, or maybe out....some things needed tending to, and others needed fresh planting...some just let me enjoy the fragrance and the beauty...
I'm grateful today that I can always close my eyes, and pray, and see just where I'm at in the progress of my garden. .. and though it's been many years, there has been death and new growth, there are monuments placed there now that I hold dear, remembrances of God's faithfulness, memorials of love and hurts, family and friends, blooms where tears have fallen, a flowing stream when I just need a quiet place and most importantly, His presence is always there...
it seems as if it's been a while since i've visited there myself, i am so glad it was brought to my remembrance...today has been a day of wondering "what's next" in the process...a day of wondering if my simple existence is fulfilling the destiny for which i was created, a day of consciously appreciating the relationships i have been blessed with and the ones that have even if only for a brief moment touched my garden in some way...and has brought me to wonder who if any, have i touched in the same way?
we all long for significance...today i long for the garden of my heart to be a vessel that God is allowed to flow through, and His beauty to flow from...