friend...

"Who am I that You are mindful of me? That you hear me, when I call? Is it true that you are thinking of me? How you love me, It's amazing - I am a friend of God...You have called me friend..."
These lyrics have been playing in my heart the last few days, over and over, on several occasions I've begun humming or singing the words..It is truly amazing, that I am a friend of God; it's truly amazing on days when I should be friendless, I have a friend that will never leave or forsake me, who sticks closer than a brother...
when i was a child i was never one of those girls that had scads of girlfriends, i actually despised the cliques but i guess in some deep way envied them. I had a few select true girlfriends here and there, but mainly a loner of my own design; I never understood the importance of someone you could pour your heart out to without fear of shame; as i get older i cherish the friends God gives me, if even for a short season, I seek for meaning in their connection; I long for their encouragement and wisdom and advice...for me to even admit that I need a friend was a huge step a few years back; when you build walls around your heart to keep out the hurts you also don't realize that those same walls that you build to guard you also imprison you...when i grew up things "weren't discussed" and everything was "always fine" - it's taken so long to know that denial is not normal, denial is just that, denial...
there is still a level that i guard, i think we all have to guard our hearts as a matter of principle, but it's coming to the the realization that the place of being vulnerable is the only route to greater freedom and strength - almost ironic really.
none of us can ever meet all the needs of another person - we weren't designed for that, and that is my greatest fault at my core...searching for that "man" to make it all better - that person to take care of me, do it for me, answer the questions for me - not a "man" in the literal sense of the word, but another human being that will provide the fulfillment for the longing in my heart...that's a lot to ask of someone, draining really, that's why only the Lord can be that someone, he knows the voids, the wounds, the vacancies - He alone knows how to fill them; so why then do I still turn to "man," is it easier? maybe in the soulish immediate sense...
in 1 Timothy 1:15-16 it's easy to identify with Paul, being a great leader yet still seeing himself as the greatest sinner of them all...we all look back with regrets, we all have mistakes that haunt us in some way or another, but, just as Paul never saw himself as a perfect Christian, only a person who needed and received mercy from God, we all must depend on God. it's hard to face your flaws, and painful to look at them, but it is never hopeless because the sins you've committed are not beyond God's forgiveness, His great love and His acceptance of you not based on your efforts.
I am a friend of God, HE called me friend - and that I am truly amazed!!