the birthday...

today i turned 43...wow, saying it outloud makes it so much more...uh, painful...in an introspective, self-analytical kind of way...

i never thought this is where i would be, doing what i'm doing at this point in my life...i figured i'd be sending my kids off to college, not missing the fact i was never able to have children;  i figured i would be doing something "great" for God, a ministry, a missionary, a...you fill in the blank, not the invisible smallness of my daily life..

i want this year of 43, (ugh, still hard to say!) to be a year of new vision, new direction, passion, deep friendships and growth, and a year that i don't let slip by without finding out once again what i am meant to be doing for the Lord...

i know in my sarcasm, this is not a time of invisible smallness, yet it's hard to shake those feelings most days...i know my sacrifice will be rewarded even if that's not the reason i'm here...a few weeks back i posted of the awkward feeling of no longer being able to define myself by my profession, or my skills, or because there is the word "minister" behind my job title or my "importance" to others...i'm ok with that now, because i think this season in my "garden" of life is one of pruning, deep pruning, painful some days, but the opportunity to maybe finally see that what i do in my outward daily life, is really not who i am...

one of my favorite singers, JJ Heller, has a song called "True Things" and i see that the longing of my heart, to know God's love like I've never truly allowed myself to surrender to, is the only true thing i long for...in your love i am waking up...

"TRUE THINGS" - Lyrics

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing, 
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack

I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am


There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry


I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up