'nuff said...

‎"Why does God always have to correct me through other people?

Cause your not close enough to Him, for Him to do it Himself!"

-Pastor Jim Laffoon

the birthday...

today i turned 43...wow, saying it outloud makes it so much more...uh, painful...in an introspective, self-analytical kind of way...

i never thought this is where i would be, doing what i'm doing at this point in my life...i figured i'd be sending my kids off to college, not missing the fact i was never able to have children;  i figured i would be doing something "great" for God, a ministry, a missionary, a...you fill in the blank, not the invisible smallness of my daily life..

i want this year of 43, (ugh, still hard to say!) to be a year of new vision, new direction, passion, deep friendships and growth, and a year that i don't let slip by without finding out once again what i am meant to be doing for the Lord...

i know in my sarcasm, this is not a time of invisible smallness, yet it's hard to shake those feelings most days...i know my sacrifice will be rewarded even if that's not the reason i'm here...a few weeks back i posted of the awkward feeling of no longer being able to define myself by my profession, or my skills, or because there is the word "minister" behind my job title or my "importance" to others...i'm ok with that now, because i think this season in my "garden" of life is one of pruning, deep pruning, painful some days, but the opportunity to maybe finally see that what i do in my outward daily life, is really not who i am...

one of my favorite singers, JJ Heller, has a song called "True Things" and i see that the longing of my heart, to know God's love like I've never truly allowed myself to surrender to, is the only true thing i long for...in your love i am waking up...

"TRUE THINGS" - Lyrics

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing, 
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack

I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am


There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry


I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up

what's next?

lately I've been wondering "What's Next?"  At least in terms of what will I do when this phase of caring for the folks is over...I've been researching businesses, I like the bags I sell and love the fundraisers to the schools so that is a definite option.  Another thing I've always liked was Consignment Sales - not a storefront but a seasonal sale of kids clothes or home furnishings;  I met a couple ladies when I lived in Nashville that hold both, they started out in their garage with kid's clothing and now have a HUGE sale twice a year, franchises of their plan and a furnishings sale...I've always been iterested in the business and that always comes to mind when I start "planning" for the next phase...I can do it anywhere, and it's a great concept - I would like to have a "non-profit" charity side to my biz...maybe something in conjunction with Soles for Souls or something like that, some kind of practical, hands-on, offering of Christ's love.. who knows...just brainstorming...oh, here's a shout out and a link to my Nashville inspirations:  http://www.encoresandmore.com/

can you say awkward?

last night i attended a "networking" social to benefit the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life...one of those things I had been to a billion times in my professional career, heck I planned or coordinated half of them...however, this was different...awkward to me actually...


those that know me, know I've never met a stranger...I'm an extrovert and pride myself on being able to converse with anyone...not so much anymore it was painfully apparent...I didn't realize how much "what I did" was so much a part of my identity...when person after person asked "so, what do you do?" I somehow felt inferior and almost embarrassed to answer "I take care of both my parents full time..." followed by the almost pitiful "Oh" response and something to the effect of "That must be really difficult" or "I'm sure they appreciate it".  And then the "Well, it was nice to meet you..." and move on to the next, more interesting and successful person...


I'm not sure which disappointed me more...the feeling that I no longer have anything of worth to contribute  because I don't have a "job" or a "career" or the feeling that my worth is only portrayed to others by what I do...It was partly heartbreaking and partly eye-opening.  What makes up the worth of a person? Is it their connections and their potential to make money for others? Or is it the value of the commitment to thier family and beliefs? I would hope it was the latter.


As I drove away, I felt empty, awkward, no longer able to contribute, no longer a place that I belong or am important...are the days of valuable experiences I had not worth the time I've spent "away" from corporate America?  Are the years of business building, networking and successes voided because I no longer interact on a daily basis with the "rat race" and the "keeping up with the Joneses?"  The fact my PDA is no longer booked, I don't "lunch" with the "in" crowd, much less get out of my PJ's before noon if I'm lucky, somehow makes me "less"?  I'm perplexed, saddened...


My contentment, fortunately, comes from within and comes from the God that has personally chosen me and my heart to reside.  I love the lyrics from JJ Heller's song, Until You Came Along, "Falling in love with you was easy, You were always meant to have my heart; I was broken all to pieces,  You were there to be the missing part."   


But I have to admit, in my own humanness, I did feel somewhat inadequate to those that were "doing" something...guess I have to admit that I just want to be "somebody" to those around me...and in a way, I'm not anymore...


Awkward...it's just new to me, and I don't like it...I admit I'm not in familiar waters both professionally and personally...I was always the confident one, the one who knew where she was going, what was next, who she was...not so much anymore...

Who will love me for me???

Do you know the ONE today that will love you for you?

pressing on...

Yes, I'm a slacker...I think more than a slacker I've been hoping that now that it's October things would be dramatically different...they aren't...however, the milestone that September brought, the 2 year mark of taking care of mom and dad, has come and gone and I guess I've just stopped fighting it, and things have been calm...

I've been thinking of painting the bedroom and bath, de-cluttering the tiny one-butt kitchen even more, and cleaning out closets....I guess that's a step from the denial of being here so long that if I left things be it would be over quicker...yeah, not so much...

Football is back, that has been a much needed weekend enjoyment...Starbuck is huge and still a sweetie pie of a puppy...Florida's version of "fall" is in the air, the patio is a nice retreat...fund raisers have started with my biz and that's a nice perk too...in December I'll actually start making money for some of my efforts courtesy of the state so that's nice too...and I've been quite infatuated with the color orange, go figure...

Don't really know what the significance of 2 year mark was...but I keep pressing on for what comes next...and hoping for an answer...

regrets, resentment, and reality....

it's been a rough couple of weeks...and the three "r's" keep popping up in the scheme of things...regrets, resentment and reality...

first regrets, just one mainly, one of those "one that got away" moments and wondering years later how things would have been different today if i had only gone back and had a "do-over"....guess i will never know...

second, resentment...big one lately, each day i grow more and more resentful of my parents not having the foresight to plan ahead for their latter years and have the expectation of their children giving up their own lives to care for them...i hate it but it is what it is right now...

and finally reality...i'm hurting, really hurting and i just want the pain to go away...i just want someone to take 5 minutes to listen beyond the "yeah i'm good" look me in the eyes, see the pain, and just care, and to not be alone...

heart pictures...

I had the most amazing experience this weekend, I tried to define it but the words escaped me....it was a moment that i had experienced many years ago, a physical tangible moment in time that stayed with me all these years...it was precious, passionate, unforgettable...

i tried to find one term that could encapsulate it, it wasn't de-ja-vue, because de-ja-vue defined is "The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time."   This was no illusion, it was experienced once then again 25 years later...so have no clue if there is an actual term for that, serendipitous, maybe...but for the record here is how it plays out in my mind:

"it was like de-ja-vue but so much better - it's like many years ago, my heart took a picture of a moment in time that i never wanted to forget, and this weekend, after all these years, I came across it, pulled it out,  and cherished that picture all over again...my heart is smiling, again..."

hmmm...

"Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God." - John Piper

trophy wife....

"i decided that my for

next marriage, i'm going

 to be a trophy wife..."

random balance...

all things decently and in order....i think in my struggle to balance things the balancing act itself also becomes a struggle...

i was always taught to play by the rules, never really the rebellious one, i would question authority when things didn't seem fair, or more importantly just...

there's a line in my personality profile that states it best:  does not tolerate incompetence in others....oh i could write pages on this one...

common denominator? balance...i recently received a small silver ring that i wear on my thumb that is engraved forgiveness on one side and balance on the other, the center part of the band spins...and it's a daily reminder to offer forgiveness, ask for forgiveness and receive balance in the process...

the list...

ok, so i'm starting my "bucket list" if you will, more like a list of everything i want to do when this season of my life ends...

plant hydrangeas - oh yeah, get a house
cubs game at wrigley field!
2012 olympics, be there!
alaska!
lobster in maine
ice skate again, a lot!
visit baltimore, chicago and denver
condo at the beach
go see the gang in MHC
fall in love, all over
go on a missions trip, every year
relax, sleep late, snuggle more - lots more!



...more to come!

i've had enough...

i guess in my heart i've felt this for a long time, but I have just finally succumb to the fact that its my reality....what i thought, was my life was significant, its not, its just a daily continual realization that i really am as invisble as i feel.

at one time i thought i was going to be someone special, in others lives, in a marriage, in work, in everything...daily those false illusions have died, piece by piece until now...all those thing i use to be are just that, used...all the things that i imagined of how i hoped for my life to be are shards of mirror on the floor that have no place but to be swept to into the dust...

all the words spoken, fallen on deaf ears;  the actions, the intentions, the desires now buried;  enslaved to my obligation, my heart has died...this shell only hosts disappointment, unbelief, ugliness...with nothing left to say...and as always, no one that wants to listen...

Coping?

I've allowed myself to become detached, numb. My heart is a tender one that has desired to help every need I see. I cry deep tears of Holy Spirit grief. I am overwhelmed by the love of God and his provision, while in a hurricane of confusion of 'this not my home' place I live, for the time being.


My head is flooded with questions and I've avoided my heart. I don't want to confront self-righteousness and pride that are encamped. Pressing in, I go to the throne room, freely allowing the images of death, destruction, and complete devastation to wash over my heart, to penetrate my spirit. God meets me there, in the deepest of deep. Darkness will not overcome.
 
I'm exhausted from Cope. He has been a sneaky, stealthy four letter word. Long ago I gazed at him shiny and new, so appealing to my emotion. Cope would make me feel better about myself. I bought the jumbo pack. But Cope only left a bad after-taste and made me sick to my stomach. The promise on the package lied.  I'm tired of substitutions and I want Hope.

For 32 years now I've had "nerve damage."  My polite way of saying a nerve disorder; supposedly incurable, partly defined as a "coping" mechanism, or a self-soothing action....I think of that phrase 'self-soothing" and think back of times where the disorder wanes and things in life are calm, then I think of the times when i'm overtaken and the self-soothing of the repetitive, self-destructive behavior that really doesn't self soothe, but leaves a hole of guilt, shame and unworthiness.    Shame has been my enemy for so long, not sure why, guess it's my own drug of choice....I've asked hundreds of times for the shame to be healed, removed, just gone and to no avail....hundreds of tears for the fruit of the behavior to be struck and pulled up by the roots...still there...the shame however can be taunting, as if I'm not good enough to be healed, delivered, cured....

Most people have no clue that I'm sensitive, and insecure and vulnerable, because my mask of confidence fools them...or does it really?  I think of the times where my opinion has never mattered, or so I've thought, and the times I've so badly wanted to speak up or speak out, but thinking no one would really listen...no to ME...I'm broken, damaged, imperfect...therefore unworthy...

One of my girlfriends told me that some of the other girls I've become acquainted with are "scared" of me - that I seem harsh, or insensitive, hard to get to know.  In my heart I want to be that woman that God's wisdom gushes from in sweet wise words...instead there's only bluntness, only black and white...I wear my feelings openly, if I'm mad, you know it, if I'm sad, you know it...you get the picture...However, I don't think anyone really knows the real me, or has ever taken the time to....hence the shame, the fear, the emptiness...I'm not worthy to be known...

Have I ever really allowed God to have ALL of my heart?  All of me?  I'm tired of just coping...I want more...I want God to tear the band-aid off all the wounds, all the broken places, all the hidden things and stop the coping, and start living...

love?

Take this poem, by Colin Martin...

Find a man who calls you beautiful instead of hot,


Who calls you back when you hang up on him,


Who will ... stay awake just to watch you sleep...


Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats.


Romance I have missed you way too long...I know you're out there...come find me!

?????????????

today is the beginning of the end....

2010

Hello 2010 - I can't believe you are here!  It was literally yesterday that it was 2000, not to sound cliche but my how time flies...

Resolutions?  Well, never been a huge resolution maker, but since I skipped 2009 alltogether maybe I should give it a shot...

• to love Jesus more, as well as my neighbors
• to be more patient
• seek a way to work from home, or find a source of home income to supplement mom & dad
• sleep more (yeah I know, not really in my hands but it's a goal!)
• read more, watch tv less
• grow my hair longer
• walk more, do my 100 sit-ups and push-ups every day, not just some days - six pack by summer :)
• find a hobby

there's a start...