the appendix...

i scribbled this comment a speaker from Catalyst made, he's a pastor, i so get this, we've all thought it, but i'm so glad that he said it out loud....

"you know I love my church, well, 95% of them...did you ever have one of those people in your church that just confounded you? you tilt your head to the side and just ask 'what part of the body are you anyway? i know, maybe you're the appendix, you don't really do anything, but you might just explode and kill us..."

you can't help but laugh out loud, not to mention have a vivid picture of "that" person in your mind...

today i feel like the appendix though, not really sure what i'm suppose to do, and slightly on the verge of exploding...not in the way i think he implied but an appendix still the same...

i need purpose today...

1 cor 8:3 "the man who loves God is known by God."

that is my true desire - to love God and be known by Him

my story...

the last few days i've spent immersed in an incredible experience of worship and teaching, called Catalyst...the focus this year was on the word "Reverb" and what effect can one person have on eternity, and what effect can thousands of people united in like purpose can do for the Kingdom of God...

there were so many nuggets of truth that I dare say I'll be writing about them for days but for today i choose a couple specific truths that liberated me from such old religious thinking and bondage that it is foremost on my heart...

i grew up in a good family, attended church but until my junior year of high school never really knew Him...my high school boyfriend Jim Turner sat me down in my living room one December evening and walked me through the gospel of salvation and my heart and eyes were opened like never before to the reality of my sinful life and the incredible love, forgiveness and grace of Christ. i accepted Him into my heart that night and that following weekend attended church with Jim where I was instructed to make a public confession of what I had done...I walked to the front of the massive sanctuary and prayed with someone briefly then returned to my seat where i was then instructed i needed to be baptized to make it "official" (ok, maybe that wasn't the exact words but you get the point) then the following weeks i struggled as i listened to message after message of "you need to be saved" when in my heart i was constantly thinking, i already did that, what is next, what now??? i attended a "discipleship" class that instructed me to write down my "testimony" of what God had done in my life...i struggled more because i wasn't one of those people that had this death to life transformation, i had never drank, or smoked, or robbed a bank, i had pretty much been a good person that just didn't know they needed a savior...that just didn't know i was separated from my creator that loved me so much He made a way for me to be with Him for all eternity...

well this weekend one of the speakers, Erwin McManus finally addressed that issue at a personal level to me - he basically said that he knew in a crowd of 11,000 christian leaders that most of us had probably never been a "bad" person, we had probably grown up in good homes with families that loved and nurtured us, and that with all well meaning religious instruction for us to "share our testimony" with others, that it was Ok that if our experience was uniquely our own...God intended it that way...

he also said that God understands our needs far more than we can even understand them ourselves...the followers of Jesus need to have permission to be human again... to just share their story, their own individual story, no formulas, no embellishments, but just our real life from our hearts; have we so distorted our minds and hearts (in the name of religion) that we accept life as it is and not as the life God desires for us?

the human spirit cannot live in falsehood; our souls are designed to live and flourish in the truth...the miracle of my story, my salvation is NOT that I have it all together, far from it, but that I'm broken, and I have struggles and I am human; and all those things are brought together by the Master, and designed for something beautiful, to allow other people to see His beauty in our brokenness and His healing...

Jeremiah 1:4
...before I formed you in the womb I KNEW YOU;
...before you were born I SET YOU APART...

amazing isn't it...i've heard those verses for years but now I get it, really get it...

in my parents eyes I may have been a surprise, but God needed me, I was created for His purpose - He needed me; and I have the very same spirit that raised Christ from the dead residing in me - little ol' me that thought she had no story, no value, nothing to say or to share...

I no longer believe I have nothing to say, but Christ in me does...
I no longer believe that I am not empowered for something greater...but I am empowered for His greatness and glory...
I no longer believe that I am not accountable for my minutes and days and years, but that every second of every day is designed for me to glorify Him...

hungry...

I think sometimes the hardest part of relationships is being vulnerable...

knowing you can dare trust to share with someone else with your deepest desires, fears, hurts, dreams...i think that it however is an admirable and courageous person that understands the need to be vulnerable with others regardless the personal price; the need to be real; ...in the context of good relational boundaries, vulnerability can lead to freedom; ironic isn't it - what we fear most can also liberate us best...

vulnerability does not come naturally though to most - usually because vulnerability is also the place where our wounds lay fresh, open, broken...healing was designed by God through the vulnerability of our relationships, with our "family" in Christ...let's face it though, we are all messed up; and in God's infinite wisdom He has placed other messed up people in our lives that are meant to minister to our deepest "messes"...maybe because they have already been there, maybe because they are at the same exact place, maybe because they see where we are headed; all i know is that i am grateful for those people, and today i make a conscious choice to allow God to lead me to those people to which I will find growth and healing


Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You , so I wait for You

Kathryn Scott/Vineyard Music

When I say I'm a Christian...

"A woman's heart should be

so hidden in Christ

that a man should have to

seek Him first to find her."


When I say I'm a Christian...
by Carol Wimmer

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

agreement...

i have come to the profound conclusion that somewhere between dreams and reality is the actuality of where we exist. not live mind you, but exist...not the place we function on a day to day basis, not the place we fantasize of what we could be or what could have been, but the place where our actual thoughts develop into the actual actions we take...
i know we are composed of a mind, a will and our emotions...my emotional side has definitely been on overload the last month, doing battle with my own will; my mind has been the rational and sometimes irrational mediator of it all...
i started thinking amongst all this battle about the power of, and in, agreement, that if you have two together it is more powerful than one; i somehow think that applies to our own thinking; if our mind and emotions are in agreement, then our will has to follow; if our will and our mind are in agreement, then likewise our emotions will have to follow; it's those times when the three are all at odds with one another that we need to surrender to the agreement of a friend or even greater the agreement of scripture in that circumstance;
it leads me to remember where it says in Philippians about "what to think on"; the amplified version even says "fix your minds on them"...those things that are true, honorable, lovely pure, gracious, virtuous, praiseworthy...how many times do I allow my thoughts to run rampant on the what ifs, in life, in relationships, in situations instead of filtering the thoughts on the things that God tells us to think on...how many times does that simple act of relinquishing my thoughts to my emotions or will allow agreement to happen but in a wrong direction?
yes, ultimately we are free to do, to think, to act however we want, but 1 Cor 6 says that our freedom is for Christ and it must be filtered through these 3 things (stella paraphrased version) one, does it glorify Christ? (my freedom is for that purpose alone) two, is it helpful, beneficial to the body of Christ, and three, is it wise for my life? if i take a step back i can answer those questions very simply for every challenge i face, and choice i feel i must make...it's the choosing to agree with God's ways and not mine own where the battle truly lies...

capacity...

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord, and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God...

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us: no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.
Sacrifice and offering You do not desire, nor have You delight in them: You have given me the capacity to hear and obey Your law, a more valuable service than burnt offerings and sin offerings which You do not require.
Psalm 40:1-3; 5-6

we cry to the Lord and He in His mercy leans down to us, but how many times have we thrown up our hands, and are no longer patiently waiting?
our steps are ordered, but how many times do we search out our own rocky paths?
the songs are there too, but how many times do we keep them to ourselves, afraid that our voice doesn't need to be heard?
how many times does HE think about me - Wow, He really does???
we are given the capacity, but how many times do we choose not to use it?

Got CHI?

i ran into some friends from church tonite that coordinate foreign exchange students for this area...they currently have a student living with them that was a former exchange student from China that has graduated and is now back here for college, her name is Zhand or Z for short, and a second one currently staying with them is a high school student from China also that goes by the name Vera- they are both adorable, sweet girls...

i joined them all for dinner tonite at the local chinese restaurant, both girls like to go here since it's the closest to "home cooking" you can get in douglas, ga...


from the moment we sat down, a sweet liitle boy who i later found out his
name is CHI (like chee) adopted me - his mom works there and they too
have only been in the US for a very short time...he grabbed me by the hand at the table and escorted me to the buffet, where he promptly pointed to the yellow and then the red jello, and then a bowl - he doesn't speak a lick of english, but was so adorable, and a child's laughter is so wonderfully universal, and trust me, he could communicate very well by his facial expressions...he did say jello too by the end of the nite!

as i walked to my car to leave, he motioned to me as if to ask "can i come too?" his mom was so sweet to let him know that we would all be back to play with him soon!

what a blessing it was to meet all of these students!
i think i have a new best friend too...

forever stained...

"pure and undefiled religion

in the sight of the Father is this,
to visit orphans and widows,

in their distress,

and to keep oneself
unstained by the world..." james 1:27


i remember like it was yesterday waking up from my sleeping bag on the hard gym floor...i stepped quietly not to wake anyone else and slipped outside to the steps of the schoolhouse that served as my home part of that summer...i enjoyed the heavy clouds that rested on the mountains that morning, grateful for the cool dampness, the grey-blue haze of the early morning hours, i knew all too soon the temperatures would soar in the low hundreds again, just in time i thought for us to finish the tin roof that day...
i remember most the faces of the children...i remember thinking in my simplistic teenage mind, how could this still be America? i've always heard about conditions like this, but not in my own country, this is the land of privilege, the land of blessing, prosperity and wealth...how could people exist with no running water, floors of dirt, and walls of newspaper? did these people have the same dreams we all do? did they have the same hurts we had? were they really unlike us at all? i didn't choose to be from a middle class family, they didn't choose poverty; they didn't choose to be left as orphans in a society that values getting over giving; they didn't choose...but you know what, neither did we, but we have within us the power of choice...
that summer in Elkins Branch, West Virginia, a proud town, with a rich history of coal mining, my view of the world became much smaller and at the same time much broader; my view of the fact that as one little 15 year old, i could actually touch some one's life if only for a moment in a real and tangible way became a reality; i had the ability to impact someone just by a simple act of kindness and selflessness, by making a home warmer, safer and drier...on days when i'm "too big for my britches" as my grandpa would say, i keep the photo above of those children that lived in this particular home that summer as a constant reminder that my purpose must constantly focus outward not inward...it's hard some days being in the land of the free to keep my eyes on Him and what He has for me to accomplish in this life; saying that however only humbles me, thinking that i haven't know hardship like others we are commanded to minister to. I'm not a great orator, i stumble or get emotional when i try to say something profound or heartfelt; heck, i cry at the end of every episode of extreme home makeover...but i can swing a hammer, hold a paint brush, gather clothes or blankets, i can raise money, i can go and just wrap my arms around a child and in my heart never let them go...i can...more importantly, i will...

more recently my heart has turned back to my desire to minister to the orphans in romania and the former soviet union; it's been an unfulfilled passion on my heart, but not for much longer i pray...even if it's just holding one of them in my arms, i feel i will have touched the heart of God; and that is what i long for expectantly...
while i may remain unstained by the world, as james says, my heart is permanently stained by His love...

below is a short video - please take a moment to view it and ask yourself what you can do - maybe your passion lies else where, that's ok, just take the time, purpose in your heart to do whatever it takes to fulfill that God given passion in your lifetime - i promise you will never regret it...and neither will the people who receive your touch...

i will remember...

i will remember...

is my God big enough?

there are those days like today that I painfully realized the vanity of my own human-ness, the shallowness of my own desires, and the fraility, or the strength of my relationships...

i have to say that the last two days i've learned more about myself than i care to admit...i can't say that i'm proud of either of these lessons... first, i've learned that doing the "right thing" in my eyes, can cause others to resent you, whether it's intent was meant out of true concern for the very life and well-being of a person headed tragically down a path of self-destruction...

second, and most humbling is recognizing that even as a Christian, i have the ability to deceive myself by wrong thinking...thus producing wrong actions, that not only affect or wound me, but others in relationship with me...

it leaves me to ask today just this:

is my God big enough, to open the box that I've placed Him in?
is my God strong enough, to break the chains that lock me in?
is my God patient enough, to hold me till I stand on my own?
is my God great enough, to fill the hole in my heart?
is my God kind enough, to pick me up, and never let me go?
when all is said and done,
and all the tears i have left i have shed,
is my God big enough, to write a story for me, when i've so greatly failed?

was this hurt, this ache, all part of the plan, the process, the scheme?
to show that my God is big enough,
and i'm much, so much, smaller than i seem?

burden me...

let's play a game - when i say a word what is the first thing that comes to mind?

burden

do you immediately think of a person, or situation, or heartache?
do you think of others or just yourself?

Nehemiah was the king's cupbearer - and a lot of people don't realize the responsibility and weight that position carried. it would be likened today to a Prime Minister that guides a King or a President. one funny attribute I thought though was that the cupbearer was to always have a smile on his face in the presence of the King...no matter what was going on around, famine, war, you name it, he was suppose to smile. in Nehemiah 1 and 2, we see that the cupbearer literally risked his life because the burden on his heart for God's people was so strong that he didn't smile one day when he was summoned by the King. The King in his graciousness though asked why his countenance was so downcast, and when Nehemiah explained to him his heart hurt for the people because they were dying, the King felt the burden for the people and on Nehemiah's heart and cried, and prayed and fasted for His people.

When was the last time you cried out for the state of anyone? When was the last time that you stepped out of your place of prosperity, (yes, this is America) and truly cried for the lost, the dying, the wounded? When is the last time that you asked the Lord to burden your heart for someone else?

i remember clearly as if it was yesterday that i used to pray a simple prayer that went something like this:
"Lord break my heart with the things that break yours."

i wonder why i ever stopped praying it? was it too much to bear? was i comfortable having my "own" burdens? i can't say for certain...but this i know, tonight i pray this prayer again, and wait expectantly that the Lord ignite a burden in my heart that maybe has fallen victim to self, or selfishness, and that He places a new burden in my heart that brings me to my knees for His people...and please don't ever let my smile be the masking of my heart, but a reflection.

scars...

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place you brought me from
That keeps me on my knees

And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are

I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

from "Heal the Wound" by Point of Grace

scars - we all have them, some are very visible, physical reminders, some are hidden to the naked eye, some reside in places only seen by our heart...
it was a rainy saturday and i was working on an art project due for my 3rd grade class; i had to finish it before spring break so we could go on vacation. i came from a very crafty family so we were all well versed in the proper use of crafting tools. I was carving something from a piece of balsa wood, with an x-acto knife...i had just put a brand new blade in the knife and had drawn out my plan of where to cut the block...i began the cut and while watching my sister across the table do something on her own project, i looked down and saw a small puddle of blood...shocked i jerked my hand back and the tip of my left fore-finger hung in a way that it just wasn't suppose to; only when i finally looked at it did it begin to throb...the blade had been so sharp that the cut itself i didn't even feel, that is until i took off the pressure of holding the piece of wood...
30 years later i still remember the doctor stitching me back together and still carry the scar and the not no normal shape of the tip of that finger. it doesn't hurt anymore but it always reminds me of the very emotion and feelings that i felt when it happened.

scars are weird like that. they remind you of the wound itself. you may not have thought of an event or a person or a situation for years, then all of a sudden for some reason the scar is brought before us...what do you choose to do with it? do we linger in the pain of that instant, as if we still carry the wound? or do you let the scar be the reminder of where you've been, of what He has carried you through, or of what still may actually be a wound that needs to be healed...

i've been grateful for my scars, the healing of the physical ones, the one on my finger, the one on my forehead, the ones i carry on my legs; but what about the deeper ones that no one else sees - is that really true? are your inner scars hidden from others or do they prevent you from being vulnerable again because you don't want to have to experience the pain that created that scar...

we all do have them, but one thing i've learned about forgiveness and scars is this - we will always carry the scars, but the day we don't allow the memory of them to rule how we live our life is when we know we have truly forgiven the hurt that caused the wound, that caused the scar...

use your weapons...

every once in a while i play this game on my computer called "super collapse II"...it's one of those games that's part strategy, part how fast is it humanly possible to click a mouse, where you try to tear down walls of blocks by getting them in groups of three, as the computer continually adds rows of blocks - i know, amazing, huh?

anyway...a few nites ago i was playing and every once in a while there are little "weapons" that pop up and allow special "extras" that help you reach the finish faster...and as i was playing i felt the Lord speak to me "you need to do that too - use your weapons..."

now in the game version you never know when a weapon will pop up, and sometimes you don't know what it's purpose is until you click on it, but it always is for your benefit... in "real life" we have been provided with spiritual weapons that we must choose to use...which are also for our benefit...

one thing i have noticed about the game is that if you choose NOT to use the weapons, you generally lose much more quickly - it seems the same in real life...it's easy (for a while) to fight our own battles, well for some people, we won't name names...but true independence comes not by our own desire to be in control of our circumstances, quite the opposite - utter dependence on God brings freedom...ironic...

2 Corinthians 10:4-6 ...For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..."
i'm sure there are other "deep" analogies i could convey from this game - one, is i wonder why you have to have at least 3 blocks - hmmm, vaguely reminiscent of a three fold cord is not easily broken; two, is that you are only competing against yourself, no one else, only you can increase your high score, only you can improve with each game, you have no one else to compare yourself to or to compete against...that's another whole blog in itself; three, when you use the weapons effectively you are rewarded for your actions - in the case of the the game you get cool sound effects and bonus points, in real life, i think most importantly of the heavenly rewards that await us for our faith...

Ephesians 6: 13 - Therefore take up the whole armour of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand, stand therefore...

you go mom!

haven't we all been there!

choosing not to fail...

I will have failed if God is named, but not praised,
analyzed but not glorified,
seen but not sought.

- Mark Buchanan, The Holy Wild

ahhh...romance...

i had this incredible revelation last nite - actually yesterday was filled with lots of revelation to me personally...in several forms...first there was that "aha" moment that liberated years, if not decades of wrong thinking, then later there were tears, tears of relief, of healing, of recognizing that wounds of the past were real and they really mattered and that's ok (i'll explain more of that later), then peace, then to my utter surprise, romance...in the deepest sense of the word...

i'm sure you're thinking by now i have gone off the deep end, i mean i'm even typing this in pink to get my point across, because in my mind romance is pink and chocolate brown, it's candlelight, it's inviting, it's luxurious, it's subdued, it's valiant...it's precious...

i'm not sure if i'm even qualified to try to convey the feeling that i experienced - let me try this way - have you ever been with someone and just their mere touch made you melt? made you secure? made you wish it would never end? it's almost as if Christ Himself was reaching through that person's body directly to you because He know you needed that touch of a loving, kind Father?

that is the romance i mean...

i've been reading (i know, shocker) a book that i read a couple years back, but never really "got" - maybe it wasn't meant for me to get at that time, maybe it was just to plant the seeds of what i have finally gotten, who knows, but yesterday i picked it up again and that led to the tears part of my day...it wasn't pretty but it sure did feel good...

i think i can honestly say that i haven't felt Jesus' touch like that in so long...but why? i can tell you most simply that it wasn't for a lack of longing but for a lack of inviting. shame is a powerful stronghold - it's crippling emotionally. what was so revealing though was not the fact i experienced shame in areas of my life, but the fact that most of the areas of shame were unfounded at their core. the lies that "you're too much" or "not enough" or "not worth the effort" haunt women daily - every woman...that is a reality, but the simple and beautiful solution is romance - from our precious Lord...it's those days though that we stop running to Him and start seeking other people, things, loves to fill those places where we truly fail...

you know the old saying "there's a God shaped hole in each of our hearts that only He can fill..." but did you ever think of it the other way? If we are created in His image and likeness, it is only right to conclude that "there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual that it was designed for. You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one else and nothing else can fill. He longs for YOU!"

now Zeph. 3:17 has a whole new meaning - He sings over you with delight and longs to dance with you - You are the one that takes His breath away by your beautiful heart, that, against all odds hopes in Him...

"Faithful obedience to God is vital, but it is not all God draws us to. It is not sufficient for our healing, no more than doing the laundry is sufficient for marriage. And it will not be enough in the long run to carry us through...It is holy, fierce passion. Hearts afire."
...For the root of all holiness is Romance...

Growing Up or Growing Old?

there are certain trials in our lives that we all, at one time or another, really don't want to walk through...it would be a much more pleasant experience if we could just go around them, wish them away or in fact never have to face them at all...
today i'm choosing to face one that i've put up on the shelf for a while - i'll let you know later how it goes...this all was instigated by the way at church today...our pastor was talking about the epidemic in american christianity for people to "grow old" in church while never "growing up" in Christ...he coined it as Persistant Infancy Syndrome...
we all know them, people that got saved 20 years ago but have never made it past the new members class, have never discipled, much less ever witnessed to another human being, but yet faithfully attended every service...somehow all along thinking that their very prescence over the years maturity would come...i think at some point in all our lives we could say guilty, but I personally don't do stagnant very well...
the big question though that got me really thinking was this - he challenged us to look back to where we were spiritually just a year ago - and really reflect on have we grown? What about 10 years ago, what about to the day you truly committed your heart and life to Jesus? (in my case that was December of 1983...)
my own answer was a little disheartening - in some areas i can say i have grown and in others i can say i have personally avoided growing in for the mere mortal fact of pain...no one likes pain, but healing can only come when we are truthful with ourselves and our shortcomings.
We've all been hurt, damaged, and wounded, ususally by someone in church with all their well meaning intentions...the walls we build not only keep others out and us "safe", but they keep us "in" where we can't be truly seen...why is it so hard to see that vulnerabilty isn't weakness though, it's strength...

at some point i feel like people stopped seeing me, maybe in reality i just stopped letting them...

Lord, I need your strength to show me how to be vulnerable again...

Personality...

I found this test on my friend's blog - it's really interesting! this is "me" in a cool little colorful graph - take the test and send it to me!




You are a Creator -

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.

You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.


You are Animated -

You are outgoing, comfortable with others, and up for anything, which makes you ANIMATED.

Some people find crowds and parties exhausting, but not you! You are able to be yourself in many situations.

Sometimes it is hard for you to understand why others feel the way they do, but that doesn't stop you from trusting them or having faith that they are good people.

You know the world is complicated and that there is often more than one side to a story, so you are careful not to make judgments about others too hastily.

You would rather experience the world than sit back and observe it—you are not one to sit on the sidelines.

You are an independent thinker and don't get too worried about how others might perceive you—you are not self-conscious about being the active, engaged person that you are.

Although you have a keen understanding of different people's life circumstances, you occasionally have trouble seeing why people get so upset and emotional about things—they should just lighten up and have fun!

In addition to having faith in the world, you have faith in the people around you—you trust others to do the right thing and to be honest.


Sounds pretty close to me - what do you think???

Take the test yourself: My personalDNA Report

39 and a half...

I picked up a book tonite that i had read about 2 years ago that i had asked a friend of mine to bring back to me from a conference he was attending; it was entitiled "nice girls don't change the world"...i've been in this place really the last few months, or maybe even the last year where i don't feel i fit in as far as in a ministry standpoint. when i went graduated form Bible college now a mere 14 years ago (yikes!) i thought I was going to change the world...i guess we all did; i remember hearing the statistic that 70% of all Bible school graduates will go back home, warm a pew it not drop off the face of the planet completely and never accomplish anything for the the Lord. i remember assuredly saying that i would never be one of those.
well as i read through that book i realized i had become a "nice girl" and i'm not changing the world. i listed all the excuses, work, finances, my marriage, my town, my personality...anything i could think of to justify why i'm not...i pondered what is it that makes some people leap from the depths of spiritual shallowness to an impassioned, brazenly open relationship with the Father? is there something i'm just not getting? how is it that just a few years ago i was sure of the vision and purpose for my life and now i couldn't even tell you if i have a vision or purpose?
so i prayed and asked the Lord if there was one significant event that caused this "downward" spiral if you will...He reminded me of two things, one was a specific event, from a younger christian, although in leadership in the church i had been committed to for 6 years at the time. I remember the statement saying that "my giftings didn't have a place in HIS (not meaning the Lord's but meaning his!) ministry, although he appreciated my faithfulness that he didn't think i could be used" what a blow - especially when every day he would call wanting my help...i think it was at that point that what truly happened is i felt unworthy of my calling, unwelcome definitely and above that as if my gifts were inferior because i wasn't the dynamic evangelist he proclaimed himself to be. in retrospect he was 25 years old, and maybe well meaning although i'm not sure how, i was the "more mature" christian who at the time her depth of character was attacked by someone that needed desperately to understand that we are each uniquely gifted and without each valuable gift the entire body does not function to it's fullest ability.
the second event was more of a discipline over time than a single happening - it was allowing the unbelief to change my heart. silently, a little here,a little there over a period of years letting my own thinking to believe that what i am is not of value or worth. even my own thoughts of "my life should have been different" but not choosing to sow the seeds that it needs to change and bear good fruit."
as i got to the end of "nice girls" i read Lynne Hybels proclamation that she doesn't want to be a nice girl, but a good woman, actually she wants to be a dangerous woman - one that "shows up" wholeheartedly, and and joins the battle against whatever opposes the redeeming work of God in our lives and our world... one that doesn't settle for shallow christianity or relationships and one that is unwaivering in her destiny.

once, a much older, wiser woman of the faith asked me one day about my time i spent at my Bible college, a seemingly innocent question you would think, but the way she phrased it has stayed with me to this day...she said "so did you find out how shallow you really were?" my reply of course was a resounding "yes"
i think we need to ask each other that very thing - "so are you really growing deep roots or are you just shallow like the weeds?" but then again, there's always the fruit...

a long time coming...

i know, i'm a slacker - a blog slacker; not like anyone else reads this but me, but still i'm a slacker...but since the last time i've written lots of things have happened - career, home, church...change is inevitable...

i guess around the new year i really started feeling that push in my heart for me to actually find where my passion lies...i've never been one to know what they were going to do for the rest of their life, much less one that didn't get bored of doing the same job or being in one place for a long time...in a way always needing something new can be a terrible weakness; almost like needing the next adrenaline rush...i struggle not so much with contentment (as far as material things go) but in the contentment of my soul and what i should be "doing" for the Lord.
yes, I'm do-er...i have to be constantly moving, striving, planning for that next "thing". In my mind the next "thing" comes in many forms...the Lord has pushed me to another church family out of my own comfort zone, but to a place of acceptance - there are several other "former" ministers that have just recently found this place, a safe place where they can heal and rekindle their purposes...for that i'm truly thankful..

today is valentine's day...for some it's the day that is solely devoted (in theory) to the one we love or have chosen to love...maybe for some to rekindle romance, or for some to just be noticed by a special someone, regardless of whatever level valentine's day may hold, i think that every day should have some aspect of valentine's day in it when we truly embrace how much we are loved by Christ...
i did however read an article last nite that changed my perspective on the whole relationship thing, and role i play in it though ...the author made this statement.. "A woman never marries the man of her dreams; the Lord gives her the special gift of helping the man she marries become the man of his dreams."
What a HUGE responsibility! One that I'm not sure I've ever really been equipped for...
Proverbs 14:1 states "Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands." every day i have the opportunity to shape my future marriage and my husband's self esteem - by either building it up or tearing it down. i realize now that i must daily recognize the power of influence i have in this life, and all my relationships, by the power He has in my life.

i think that is a purpose even i will never get bored of...i can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me in that area...

i am not forgotten...

this weekend i painted, and painted, oh, and painted....when i finished painting i put together 4 really large bookcases and unpacked my extensive library...as i unpacked, i reflected, purged and was humbled to find a journal from 1993.
i browsed through the pages, reading the truths the Lord had graciously showed me and i found an entry that actually summed up my life in present day...
"child, you are not forgotten" the words that were poured out on me that particular day came flooding back, and with new meaning they rejoined my spirit. in the last few years i feel i have floundered...not in a backsliding way but in a way that can only be described as "loss"
is it possible to lose the dreams you once had, the talents you were once given, the passion you thought would carry you? i say undeniably, yes...
those of you that know me that i'm one of those sickeningly fortunate people to which things come easily - abilities are natural and to that my downfall. when you can do it all you don't necessarily need to depend on anyone; when you think you are capable and able, you don't have need for help. it is only in dependence that comes independence however.

as i sat in worship sunday evening, the words of that journal and the precious song that is my strength today rang over and over - "I am not forgotten, HE knows my name."

i so want my passion back, i so want my talents to be rekindled and the vision i once had for children and ministry to be ignited - but not in my strength, for it will fail me. I know that I have a destiny far greater than my simplistic understanding can grasp. I am encouraged that there is a future bigger than me when I choose to return to first love, not my own abilities.

i am thankful beyond words that I am not forgotten - that He knows my name, He hears my every call, He sees my every tear, and hears me when I call...

buried treasure...

"there is no shortage of things in life that cause you to bury your heart and soul..." this statement echoed in my heart as i read the pages leading up to this conclusion. did you ever pick up a book one day only to set it aside and seemingly pick it up at "just the right time?" this has been one of those books. it has one of those composite titles that implies you can wrap up the sum of life's choices in 9 tidy principles, which i usually hesitate to gravitate to - but in this case it was the reality and bluntness of the principle titles that enticed me...still, however, i can't seem to move beyond the first principle - uniquely entitled "dig it up" for the mere fact that it resonates alongside the place where i have found myself reflecting most recently.
there's a brief story of two girls - both had similar childhoods and found early on the fascination for building and art. one was nurtured in her desires, taught discipline in her schoolwork and the other discouraged, convinced by those around her that her dreams were small and insignificant. the one became a great architect, ironically what i always dreamed of being, seeing my ideas come to life in wood and stone and brick; the second, never had clear direction in her life, she went to school, but never pursued her passion for building...both had beautiful buildings inside their soul waiting to come out, but would the second girl's ever see the light of day? what are the beautiful buildings in my own life? are the visible and tangible, or still invisible with potential?
when did i lose touch with those things i always dreamed of doing? when did i bury my own passion, or potential, or desire for the sake of fear, or acceptance, or lack of acceptance? when did the invisible things of my soul from which everything visible is created cease making their way to the outside world?
the Lord gracefully gives us all the opportunity "to dig it all up" and once we have chosen to do so we then can do one of two things with it - sow it, or throw it away...obviously when we reach down or back and pull up those good things that have been buried - a dream, a talent, or desire - we want to see it grow so we must find an outlet to sow it, plant it, water it, fertilize it. however not all we dig up is good, there are hurts, anger, cynicism, loss, grief - those things may be painful, ugly - those we should throw away - by processing them, asking and allowing the Lord to heal it, grieve it or repent of it. just as in the parable of the talents, two stepped out with the gifts they were given and took risks, increasing what they were given - one allowed fear to keep him from stepping out, burying his gift, not only to fail to increase what he had been given, but to actually lose it in the end. we all have places of both in our lives, but we still can choose what we do with those.

you see we are growing a garden in your heart; some things you wish to increase, and others you need to weed out. either way requires caretaking, this is your job as guardian of your own heart, which the Lord mentions many, many times in His Word to guard our heart with all dilligence; there is very little growth and reward in life without taking risks...avoidance of risk however is the greatest risk of all.
I challenge you to become aware of whatever is in your heart and "dig it up", weigh it, deal with it, talk it through, pray about it, until you know, with wisdom, exactly what you need to do with it, and then take action.
one more thought rings true:
"there are no benign tumors of the heart - they all spread cancer into their visible world where they destroy all that one is trying to build - relationships, reaching goals, happiness and fulfillment. no matter what a person is trying to accomplish, if he is walking around with unresolved matters of the heart, his life will be negatively effected." my ultimate purpose is to glorify God, and if that being my ultimate purpose don't you think He has the ability to take all those buried things and turn them into treasure that will help someone else? I do.

in the middle...

this weekend i went to visit my mom and dad... i have to say it was something i don't look forward to like i use to...let me explain, 4 years ago this thanksgiving day, my mom had a stroke...for those of you that know my mom you know what an unbelievable experience this has been. my mom could do ANYTHING, and i mean it, she was (and still is) the most talented, creative, dedicated woman on this earth. she could find a use for anything, she could make the simplest thing beautiful and ultimately gave me much of the gift and passion for creativity that i now cherish. but now it's different...confined to a wheelchair, frail, stiff...her usual high pitched laugh and her chatty way is stifled, with the exception of expressions and usually incoherent utterances.
don't get me wrong, "she's all in there" but it just can't come out any more. she remembers people, tries to verbalize words, (she's really good at "NO") but, she doesn't even eat the same foods she loved before.
my heart breaks every time i visit...it's so unfair...they both worked so hard all their lives and now in their "golden years" she's limited to "smallness"
it seems that many of my 30 and 40 something friends have found themselves in the same situation. they have their own lives and families but have also found themselves to be caregivers of their aging parents. i never knew it could be so hard. i'm the responsible one, feeling ever obligated to do as much as possible while at the same time keeping all the other plates in my life juggling and balanced. i suddenly see the slightest glimmer of hopefulness and another plate starts to fall and i feel i have to keep them all going.
what does this have to do with mom? everything...my mom was the juggler "extroidinaire" she could single-handedly design and make from scratch our 4th grade play costumes, cook for 22 people as we did every nite, and somehow find time for homework and laundry and.....you get the picture..
i have learned though that even though we can't "talk" we can still communicate, and though running for groceries and mowing their yard may seem menial, it's my way of taking care and giving back the only way i know how - just like she would have...
one bonus i guess from all this is the value of touch - i've always been a hugger but my family was always "distant" - not any more -we all kiss on the cheek or hug or even just sit holding mom's hand while naming the birds in the front yard...
i love you mom...just the way you are, because i know deep down, you are still who you always were - the best mom on earth

the big picture of things...

we all know that time is fleeting, and that we should appreciate the little time we have here on earth and value every second of it. it seems that this week has been filled with tragedy, at least in my little corner of the world...most not directly related to me but in my community as a whole. i have never been a negative person, sarcastic yes, but rarely, if ever pessimistic...i feel it's how we perceive and respond to situations on a daily basis that determines our future - the reap what you sow principle applies to every aspect of our lives - how we treat people, giving, even our inner heart attitude. by no means do i have this perfected, i have grumpy, bad attitude days myself, but try my best to maintain a level of perspective by remembering this little phrase: "in the big picture of things, will this really matter?" will my snappy attitude turn someone away from the love of God, will my impatience in traffic really get me there faster, if i don't "show up" today to where ever i'm suppose to be, fully- mentally and emotionally, will someone's life be affected?
when i worked in publishing, i used this quite frequently - saying "in the big picture of things it's just a book" now this was no excuse to not do all i could to meet deadlines and satisfy publishers, but when it got to the point there was physically nothing on earth i was able to do to make something happen, i would just take a deep breath and remember "it's just a book", the earth won't stop spinning, it will just be late.
today i was feeling overwhelmed though with the sense that i have no time...well is that really true? or am i just not choosing to use the time i have wisely? are the goals i've set so unrealistic that i've created my own stress? i want to work out, i wan to landscape the yard, i want to paint the bathroom, i want to see friends, i have work and school related commitments, i need to clean the house, wash the car, and sometimes sleep...i want to find an outlet to minister, to also be ministered to...is it just all too much? i hear my parents talk of simpler times, were they really simpler?
i don't really have a conclusion or an answer today - just questions that needed to be verbalized...i think that because i'm such a "do-er" that it's hard to just "be"...
in the big picture of thing though - i hope my "being" is enough...

the pot at the end of the rainbow...

a while back a friend sent me this photo...the irony at the time was hysterical - i was working out of a beautifully decorated model home, with unfortunately NO running water...each cold winter day i would trek across the barren yard to the the pink "girls only" port-a-potty, just wishing the city would catch up with the pace of the construction in the subdivision and provide us with glorious indoor plumbing. it was only a few short days after this email that my wish was granted but i held onto this photo to remind me of how grateful we should be, but how ungrateful we normally are. there are people on this earth that have never even seen running water, much less a port-o-potty...that we, as americans, seem to be entitled to, or to have right to...

my dad told me a long time ago the only right we have as an employee is the right to quit. my grandpa told me too that you have no right to complain, if you have no solution to the problem yourself. my Heavenly Father also tells me that I gave up all my rights when I chose to follow His Son Jesus...the only right i have is in Him, to take up my cross daily and follow Him, the rest i lay down, mostly willingly, sometimes hesitantly...

I'm glad the rainbow ends right there, it's a constant reminder of how privileged we are and how grateful we should be...

spare tires...

corrie ten boom once asked, "is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?"
i was faced with this question in a literal sense this past weekend...i was driving along enjoying my errands and a little bit of retail therapy, and all of a sudden from a truck in front of me on the highway, a large piece of metal comes flying towards my car...i veered right sharply to miss the full impact, as the projectile ripped the side walls off my two left tires. they of course were immediately flat, and my initial reaction after the adrenalin kicked in was anger; anger in the fact the trailer had no license plate, i now had 2 flat tires, and was left on the side of the road alone...i managed to steer slowly to the parking lot of a CVS pharmacy, where i searched a telephone book for a tow truck...now mind you, this was labor day weekend and no one was open. i finally got in touch with jerry's wreckers, jerry told me to call this other guy john at the tire store and he would come get me; john was gone, so i called jerry back, after 4 other contacts he told me to try (none being available at 4:45 on saturday) he reluctantly gave in and came to get me and tow my car to the only open tire store...the silver lining you ask? well, first i wondered why i was so angry, they're just tires after all; and second i wondered how the Lord could possible use such a situation for any good..so i prayed just exactly that - Lord how can any good possibly come of this?

it turns out that the young man, josh, that fixed my tires, was new to the area, and was searching, for purpose, direction and destiny... josh is the age of my step sons, 19, mature, graduated in the top 10 of his class, hardworking, and just needing a push in the right direction; I talked to him for a long while and he got his number to call him again, to help him connect with some other young men that can be a strength in his life...and for one older man in particular that can truly counsel him in the vocational dreams he has...

it also turns out that my insurance covers towing - imagine that...all the anger that could have been misdirected over two lousy tires was steered to His glory by a simple prayer...
so i ask again, is prayer your steering wheel today, or just your spare tire? do you take your needs to the Lord first, or is it only your last resort?

caution tape...

i'm thinking this rant for lack of a better word today is going to be much more appreciated by the female friends in my life, but hey, maybe some of you guys can learn a thing or two...
two or three days a month it seems that i am overtaken by an alternate being - one without rational thought or emotional balance of any sort, and certainly lacking in any sort of tact, filter for the mouth or patience for those driving less than the speed limit in the fast lane;
i think however that someone in the vast universe should have written down all those "unwritten" rules that women should and should not do those two or three days...at the top of that list should be "never get your hair cut when under the influence of PMS". first, you are already delusional enough to take with you that photo of the perfect hair of meg ryan or halle berrie and assume that you will come out transformed to their very likeness, and not just their hair and second you will always regret that impulsive trendy style at least for the next 6 weeks...
next on the list would be car maintenance; now to all that know me, i can change my own oil, tires, spark plugs, and will attempt just about anything else, but there must be some subliminal sign that we emit that says "hey, i'm a woman and i know nothing about cars, please overcharge me now." my simple wiring issue has now become my sole desire to trade in my car for a new one just so i don't have to hear the words "new transmission".
third on the list, and these really are in no particular order, as they can randomly occur at any time, is realize the words coming out of my mouth have no real meaning or substance whatsoever, and in reality, if you were really in tune and listening, you would actually know i probably mean the exact opposite...
they should make this caution tape like they have at construction sites or better yet crime scenes that we can wrap around ourselves for that brief period of time, and take down when all things are clear...
with that said, i'm going to get some m&m's and popcorn...yes and eat them together!!!

friend...

"Who am I that You are mindful of me? That you hear me, when I call? Is it true that you are thinking of me? How you love me, It's amazing - I am a friend of God...You have called me friend..."
These lyrics have been playing in my heart the last few days, over and over, on several occasions I've begun humming or singing the words..It is truly amazing, that I am a friend of God; it's truly amazing on days when I should be friendless, I have a friend that will never leave or forsake me, who sticks closer than a brother...
when i was a child i was never one of those girls that had scads of girlfriends, i actually despised the cliques but i guess in some deep way envied them. I had a few select true girlfriends here and there, but mainly a loner of my own design; I never understood the importance of someone you could pour your heart out to without fear of shame; as i get older i cherish the friends God gives me, if even for a short season, I seek for meaning in their connection; I long for their encouragement and wisdom and advice...for me to even admit that I need a friend was a huge step a few years back; when you build walls around your heart to keep out the hurts you also don't realize that those same walls that you build to guard you also imprison you...when i grew up things "weren't discussed" and everything was "always fine" - it's taken so long to know that denial is not normal, denial is just that, denial...
there is still a level that i guard, i think we all have to guard our hearts as a matter of principle, but it's coming to the the realization that the place of being vulnerable is the only route to greater freedom and strength - almost ironic really.
none of us can ever meet all the needs of another person - we weren't designed for that, and that is my greatest fault at my core...searching for that "man" to make it all better - that person to take care of me, do it for me, answer the questions for me - not a "man" in the literal sense of the word, but another human being that will provide the fulfillment for the longing in my heart...that's a lot to ask of someone, draining really, that's why only the Lord can be that someone, he knows the voids, the wounds, the vacancies - He alone knows how to fill them; so why then do I still turn to "man," is it easier? maybe in the soulish immediate sense...
in 1 Timothy 1:15-16 it's easy to identify with Paul, being a great leader yet still seeing himself as the greatest sinner of them all...we all look back with regrets, we all have mistakes that haunt us in some way or another, but, just as Paul never saw himself as a perfect Christian, only a person who needed and received mercy from God, we all must depend on God. it's hard to face your flaws, and painful to look at them, but it is never hopeless because the sins you've committed are not beyond God's forgiveness, His great love and His acceptance of you not based on your efforts.
I am a friend of God, HE called me friend - and that I am truly amazed!!

significance...

as i was writing a precious friend of mine today, i was remembering what someone spoke to me i guess maybe 20 years ago now...i was a very young Christian, insecure in my own skin, naive, over-trusting...at that age when i wanted so much more, but the process seemed so difficult...
I remember distinctly as this person spoke this to me - you are God's garden, your heart is His garden...at the time i was vulnerable, wounded, damaged if you will, but the picture that was described to me remains as vivid today as it did then - there were rolling hills far off, a gentle stream down one side, it was a beautiful crisp, clear day, and a lone fragile fence adorned with pink climbing roses...but what i remember most was as i looked in one direction, there was only the color gray...shades varied from light to dark, it was cold, jagged, barren...i thought to myself "what part of my life does that represent?" "how could that be in my heart?" as the days moved on my questions were answered, the tragedy that happened at that time in my life i can fault to no one, no matter how hard i tried, what was taken from me, was exactly that, taken...but restoration would come, trust would be regained, and mending would take place in so many ways...and the lesson that a garden is a process, and will always be remains a theme in my life today...
over the years, I would remember the garden, as I would pray, I could see how some areas were still dusty and rocky, some were matted with weeds, thorns and briars, some where the gate held tightly to keep things in, or maybe out....some things needed tending to, and others needed fresh planting...some just let me enjoy the fragrance and the beauty...
I'm grateful today that I can always close my eyes, and pray, and see just where I'm at in the progress of my garden. .. and though it's been many years, there has been death and new growth, there are monuments placed there now that I hold dear, remembrances of God's faithfulness, memorials of love and hurts, family and friends, blooms where tears have fallen, a flowing stream when I just need a quiet place and most importantly, His presence is always there...
it seems as if it's been a while since i've visited there myself, i am so glad it was brought to my remembrance...today has been a day of wondering "what's next" in the process...a day of wondering if my simple existence is fulfilling the destiny for which i was created, a day of consciously appreciating the relationships i have been blessed with and the ones that have even if only for a brief moment touched my garden in some way...and has brought me to wonder who if any, have i touched in the same way?
we all long for significance...today i long for the garden of my heart to be a vessel that God is allowed to flow through, and His beauty to flow from...