gotta love hurricanes...

growing up in Florida you get use to a hurricane or two now and then...and the traditional clean up the yard after the hurricane...well Fay hit about two weeks ago, and decided to hang out over North Florida and South Georgia for about a week dumping record rains...don't get me wrong we needed the rain but the after clean up has been not so fun...
Drove down Saturday morning to mom & dad's who have a HUGE yard on the river in Florida, and luckily for us it rained the entire time we were suppose to be cleaning up. we all voted to wait till hurricane season was over and do one big cleanup...
but that's not the best part, the last couple times I've been down I've felt I really needed to talk to mom and find out for sure that she had accepted Christ. mom is 76, and actually I've had the great opportunity to pray with my grandfather, grandmother and now mom to make sure they are certain of their relationship with Jesus. I asked mom if she remembered what i talked about at grandma's funeral, when I shared of how I got to pray with my grandmother. she nodded yes (mom can't talk much since her stroke) and I asked her if she wanted to do that - ask Jesus in her heart. She nodded yes again, and so we said a quick prayer and now like with grandma, and grandpa I know for sure...
i love hurricanes...

namesake...

i LOVE this photo - it's my grandma Estelle and

my grandpa Jimmie...this is who i was named after,well part of the name - Maria is from my dad's mom but i never got to meet her, she passed before i was born, then of course my grandma Estelle, my mom's mom...

they were married 66 years before grandpa passed away, and just about 10 years later grandma Estelle passed away at 95...

i miss them both but what a great legacy they left behind...

complete...

the theme this weekend from church to home group to my own reading today was on love and salvation and how complete a salvation we have...complete...i think it's easy to apply God's salvation in some areas but mentally think "oh it doesn't include this or that" because our own perception is somehow limited...

in my reading today there was this statement:
"God knows the frailties of our character. The human heart is a fickle thing; it caves in to the voices of this world and the compulsions of our flesh. But it is redeemable, utterly redeemable. 'He is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.' Hebrews 7:25
Have we forgotten the call of the holy God? He understands our imperfections, but He calls us above them. The pure in heart - the steadfast, passionate, faithful lovers of the Savior - are a work in progress. But it is a relentless work. Our direction never changes. God will always show more of Him to those blessed enough to crave purity."

class pictures...

the thought of elementary school comes around when i have to get photos taken..i never liked picture day, have no idea why, just one of those things...still don't...but here's the latest "class picture", please stop laughing, really...

taylor's closet...

i love this idea!

Often times, when children come in to foster care, they are taken away from their homes and families with literally no notice and only the clothes or pajamas they are wearing at the time. It's usually a very scary thing for a kid to deal with.

Taylor 's Closet exists to bless less fortunate girls with awesome clothes. We just want to give them something to be happy about and share the love of Christ with them in the process.

In Matthew 25:36 Jesus directs us to care for those who are having a tough time.





"I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me."

want to do more or be a part? www.taylorscloset.org

wordle - how cool is this?

make your own: http://wordle.net/

Have you ever been at one of those big opening night events – where all the important people walk the red carpet on the other side of that red velvet rope? Well let’s imagine that you have a red velvet rope for your life? Who are you going to let inside? What “friends” do you really want to spend your time with? What relatives do you want to allow inside your red velvet rope? If you have a business, what customers will you select?

Don’t just think this is being self-centered or egotistical. If you have no red velvet rope you will find that your life will be taken over by people and activities that may not be in your best interests. In working with a young lady just recently released from prison, she is seeing that her old friends and hang-outs set her up for the same self-defeating behaviors that led her to prison. She needs to break those connections, hold her red velvet rope up high and decide who gets in.
This is just like setting and living by your own goals – if you haven’t identified your goals, I can assure you you’re living out someone else’s goals for your life. If you don’t have a red velvet rope, you’ll have customers stealing your valuable time, family members who just want to pull you down to their level, friends who don’t embrace your desires for a higher level of success, and activities that waste your highest areas of contribution.

So define who and what you will allow inside your red velvet rope:

What kind of people do you enjoy being around?
What goals do they have for their own lives?
How are they enriching the lives of other people or making the world a better place?
Are they happy, creative and optimistic?
What activities do you find energizing and invigorating?
What kind of environment brings out your best talents and makes you feel purposeful and fulfilled?

Now what people and activities will get past the red velvet rope that protects you?

You might just be amazed at the increase you will see in peace, productivity and profits.
Remember the Aesop fable about The Man, The Boy and The Donkey?

Trying to please everyone is futile. Even Jesus said Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! (Luke 6:26) Use your red velvet rope to weed out the undesirable parts of your life.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

the kitchen!

ok, i have to brag on myself since i am so proud i did this all by myself (well almost, thanks michelle the tile guru for teaching me to tile!) but the rest, the painting, chair covering, valance, painting, and more painting, and the wall art are all me!!!

the photos are a little dark, i still haven't mastered this new camera, but the walls are a very warm latte brown and a calming robin's egg blue, and the tile is stone - the iron dining chairs i did in blue fabric that has a little brown and cream in it and the valance is a perfect stripe with an awesome fun trim - most importantly, it's all done!!!

the kitchen and dining area are all connected so you can see below this is the dining area with that cool wall art i mentioned before where i put all the antique ceiling tiles! it's so beautiful (if i do say so myself, and i do!!!) above the cabinets is my collection of aqua and white antique mccoy pottery and other antiques - i love it!

look what i did!

yesterday and today i tiled a new travertine backsplash in my kitchen - i can't believe how beautiful it turned out! i know the photos aren't the greatest but i will post some more later with my "good" camera...
all that i have left is to paint, and to hang the cool antique ceiling tiles on the wall and oh yeah, sew the new valance for the bay window....hmmm, and i thought i was making progress...

home...

there's nothing like sleeping in your own bed after a wonderful trip to visit friends and family! I think I officially exhausted my annual need for "retail therapy" (ok, maybe not my annual need, but at least a month or so!) and made some great finds at the flea market. I got some great antique ceiling tins to use in my kitchen as wall art, that was my major find for the week, others were smaller more luxury for myself items that were just nice little finds too...
i realized how much i miss nashville and i think my goal is to be back there some day, but for now i am content knowing my "family" is always there to pick up right where i left off whenever that time finally comes...
i love you michelle, cece, patty, lisa, ridley & lisa, deb, and the new friends i met while i was there...thanks for making my vacation a memorable one!

our jobs...

while i do have to say this doesn't currently apply to my job, i did think a lot about "calling" an my calling while on vacation...

read and enjoy:

Abused Wife Syndrome
No, this is not really about abused wives. But I had a client use that phrase recently in describing his repeated return to the work of his professional training (yes, another dentist). In his mind, there was a strikingly similar pattern. He would break away for something more rewarding, experience a challenge or setback, and return to the work he despised yet knowing it was where he could make the most predictable income.
Last night Joanne and I went to see the new Steve Carell movie, Get Smart. In one poignant scene Anne Hathaway is afraid she is going to get sent back to a desk job, rather than being a field agent. She moans and says, Yes, I can imagine that, just like I can imagine scraping a cheese grater across my forehead.
Do you do your work only because of the paycheck you get? Do you long to leave for something more enjoyable? Have you tried another path only to return to what is more familiar? Unfortunately, wives, dogs, and children often get trapped in these patterns of going back to negative and abusive situations. The emotions and self-esteem issues there may be complicated and confusing. However, the stakes are dramatically lessened in a “job.” A job should not be the definition of “who” or “what” you are. You can leave today and not change the overall purpose or direction of your life. Your “Calling” is a much larger concept than what you do daily to create income. No divorce is needed to walk away and into a more fulfilling and rewarding type of work.
And you can leave the cheese grater in the cupboard.

NASHVILLE!

today is the final countdown to my long awaited vacation - while some of my travel plans have changed, my home, at least the home where i left my heart is just a mere 24 hours away - Nashville!
Michelle and I have Friday and Saturday planned and large amounts of retail therapy is involved, then Sunday I know I'm going to my old church, seeing Cece and the kids and after that sky's the limit!
i'm so looking forward to seeing the old gang, and one of my favorite old haunts, yes starbucks! - and just for some shopping and relaxing and a new adventure for a few days!

care...

in this world you are an orphan -
eagerly anticipating your adoption as God's child.
in this world you are a widow -
longing for reunion with your Bridegroom.
in this world you are a stranger -
a pilgrim waiting to become a citizen of heaven.

and in this world, God has called you to care for the
orphan, the stranger, and the widow...

my heart goes out to the now widows, and orphans and
strangers in myranmar...

meet Sophie!

Meet Sophie! I could say she's one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while, and in fact she is partly but I can't place all the blame on her that's for sure! Guess I just haven't had much to say or share! Sophie joined my family on March 28th, and she is absolutely precious! She is about 75% wolf and 25% husky and has the sweetest temperment! Granted, she is still a puppy, with all the running, biting and chewing, but she has already mastered sitting, lying down and the all important high five! (we're still working on stay - that's tough when you have so much energy!) She also actually will bring the ball back when I throw it so I think that is marvelous for her age - she just turned 14 weeks yesterday!

The photo on the right was the day I brought her home -wow, she has really grown - she has almost doubled in size in just a month! We're off for our nightly walk - I have definitely found that helps her (and me!) sleep much better!

ESTJ...

>"The Guardian"
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.

The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.

When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.

ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.

The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.

According to Wikipedia:

ESTJs are practical, realistic, and matter-of-fact, with a natural head for business or mechanics. Though they are not interested in subjects they see no use for, they can apply themselves when necessary. They like to organize and run activities. ESTJs make good administrators, especially if they remember to consider others' feelings and points of view, which they often miss.

According to Keirsey:

ESTJs, or "Supervisor Guardians", are civic-minded individuals who dedicate themselves to maintaining the institutions behind a smooth-running society. They are defenders of the status quo and strong believers in rules and procedures. ESTJs are outgoing and do not hesitate to communicate their opinions and expectations to others.

invisible...

no i haven't forgotten that i have a blog, it's just that things, life and other pressing issues seem to have taken over the priority of blogging and well, despite my best attemps to pour my soul out to the both of you that read this, ok, maybe one of you, it just hasn't happened...



a lot has happened though, since the forementioned funeral and trip with my dad a lot has been going on with me...i was driving to jacksonville yesterday for my mom's birthday and i had this thought while listening to a Point of Grace song, don't remember which one but this thought just came to me and i've mulled it over before, even in a much earlier blog - anyway the thought is "why do some people just 'get it' when in comes to Christianity and the unconditional love and acceptance that comes from Christ and others just seem to halfheartedly bask in it's reality?"



while at lunch my friend made this comment about the sermon from that day - it was on Samson and how out of all the people in the Bible that came from miraculous births, that he was the only one that truly did not live up to his own potential due to his own double-mindedness. a light went off way back in my thoughts, i wonder if that is it, is that truly the key to 'getting it'? Is it our own double-mindedness that prevents us from that greater reality, and our own greater potential? I've struggled myself recently in what i "used to be" and what my life "should be at this point". Am i the reason that it's not what i deem it worth of being? am I my own enemy in this area? when it boils down to it have i chosen to be invisible because it's less painful, less challenging, less... i dare say i don't have an answer to that yet, but i do think it's part of the answer. as Christians we inherently have that same potential in us, we have all been given the same Spirit, and in that logic it is what we choose to do with what Christ has designed us for...why do we not choose to follow Him? why do we choose complacency, and to reside in self pity? why do we choose to glory in what 'we use to do or be' when He is calling us to a greater glory than we can ever find for ourselves?

more later...

to everything there is a season...

well 2008 has started out much differently than I imagined it would...

just a few short days into the year my Uncle Carl passed away - this was my dad's youngest living brother (my dad is the 2nd oldest of 4 brothers, Ernie, Brahm, Carl and James...the two youngest now deceased.) i traveled with dad to Grand Rapids, MI for the memorial and funeral; it was great to reconnect with cousins and other family i hadn't seen in years but even more enjoyable was the opportunity to celebrate the life and faith of a great father, brother, uncle, soldier, grandfather and friend. it was easy to see his legacy of Christ, love and laughter in his 5 kids, and his "9 and a half " grand kids...

i also had the unique opportunity to fly with my dad - an ex-fighter pilot and learned things i never knew before, like did you know what those stripes on a runway are for? i do now!!!
my dad is 80 and it was humorous when he asked his older brother if things had changed much in downtown (Grand Rapids) since he had moved away in 1949! well they had and it was a fun tour to say the least!

i also learned that dad's side of the family is a talented and successful group of people, with great hearts, a passion for the outdoors, and just good people! (not that i didn't know that before, but it was nice to see us cousins all turned out pretty good!)

i salute you Uncle Carl Lewis Malkewitz, you were truly one of a kind and will be dearly missed!

purpose...

"...everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him"
colossians 1:16 (the message bible)

i am resolved...

i’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions. you always see people set outrageous goals.
everyone knows it’s not going to happen.
so do i. so do you.
and yet for some reason this year…well i made a list.


i’ve tried to make them quite obtainable, and realistic..
————————————————————————
hello, 2008. we should be friends.

• find that true purpose that has been so elusive for way too long.
• find a project to plan and organize.
• plan to go on a REAL vacation.
• seek out mission trip opportunities.
• get out debt - finally, completely
• work out more.
• drink more water.
• start that consignment sale that i've wanted to do for many years.
• walk more.
• worship more, with total abandonment.
• read the new testament.
• pray more.
• while in conversation, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. listen. use the phrase "tell me" more far more often.
• kneel more. bow more. value reverence. remember that you’re very, very small.
• seek humility.
• live on less. save more.
• be happy, really happy.
• be honest with God. very honest. He’ll like that.

disruption...

yesterday i heard this thought in a sermon:

"from the moment you accept Jesus into your life, the relationship you have with Him is a disruptive one..."

think about it, Jesus, while though He's a healer, a restorer, a reconciler, all those processes take disruption....they take moving us out of comfortable, cozy, safe, and content, into a place sometimes of confrontation, humility, repentance, vulnerability and surrender...

think about the fact that your life is no longer your own (no matter how hard you try to keep it) that is disruptive - to YOUR plans...but His plans are so much greater...and though some days we tilt our heads, and wonder what the plans He has really are, in our deepest hearts we know He is merciful and gracious...and above all, good... i sometimes am disappointed by my own self, what i haven't done that i said i would, my marriage, the ways things have turned out, the things i use to do that are no longer a part of my life, the fact that i'm not really where i thought i would be at this age, the fact that i'm alone, my struggle with some kind of significance...but then i look at where i could have been, the blessings of the opportunities i have had, the people and friends that have touched my life along the way...they were all part of the disruptions that the Lord knew would be in my life, and could be used for His purposes...I would not be who I am today without them...

so, i choose, i choose to have my life disrupted, for His glory; whatever that disruption may be, I know in the long run it is meant for good, for His glory...

.......................................

"What I'm getting at, friends, is that you should simply keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.

Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing." Philippians 2:12-16, the Message Bible

it's official!

at 3:33 p.m. TODAY!!

I'm 40!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

do YOU get it?

why is it that some people just "get" Christianity - the sold out, passionate, heart changing part of Christianity...how can some sit for years and years under the same exact teaching or ministry or pastor and grow leaps and bounds in their walk, evident by the fruit in their individual lives and others seem to remain stagnant, unchanged? I know it can't be the Word of God...because they both hear the same word; they both may have different life experiences but what is the factor that makes some press in and sell out and truly live every word and promise from God? this has always baffled me...why do some seem to "get it"? is it their own effort? is it their ability to be transparent? what in our lives to we have to let go of to experience that transformation?

all i know is that i desire to be that person - the one that hears the word, does it and is transformed into His image and likeness...i daily lay down "me" - some days better than others, but regardless i do...

how about you? do you think your desire, or effort is equal to the work the Lord wants to accomplish in your life? I know we aren't to strive, but at the same time we are not to remain complacent...

one of my favorite psalms is 139 - and i love the way the message bible puts verses 1-6:

"God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight.

You know everything I'm going to say before I start the sentence.

I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there too

- you're reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful - I can't take it all in!"

not sure how that relates to "do you get it?"

but it's my blog...rambling is allowed!

integrity...

"the difference between
the truth that you know
and the truth that you live
equals the pain that you experience."

-from Craig Groeschel's book Chazown, A Different Way to See Your Life

God put a few passions in your heart. But as long as you deny them and live a lie, you can never live God's purpose for your life. only when what's inside lines up with what's outside can you hope to accomplish what He has called you to do.

"Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves. When our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little. When we arrive safely because we have sailed to close to the shore. Disturb us, Lord." -Sir Francis Drake

Intentionally...

the last few weeks i've struggled with the idea of purpose - and specifically what is my purpose?
today, as i've heard many times in my life the saying "you must live your life intentionally" and for once it struck a chord beyond the mundane - what am i doing every single day that gives my life purpose? what am i doing intentionally to make my life purposeful? it's my choice to have purpose or not...every day...

do i go to work with the intent of reaching someone or the intent of my needs being met?
do i seek out friendships with the intent of honing my gifts or talents or knowledge, and seeing what i can bring to that person, group or event or what they can give me?
do i withhold my heart, and choose not to be as transparent as i should, because i have said to myself that "these aren't my people" and "this place is only temporary" so i guard what could possibly be vulnerable?

yes, the answer is yes to all of these - i have chosen to be miserable and without purpose, for the sake of something more, something better, something else...

i change my choice though, intentionally...

the appendix...

i scribbled this comment a speaker from Catalyst made, he's a pastor, i so get this, we've all thought it, but i'm so glad that he said it out loud....

"you know I love my church, well, 95% of them...did you ever have one of those people in your church that just confounded you? you tilt your head to the side and just ask 'what part of the body are you anyway? i know, maybe you're the appendix, you don't really do anything, but you might just explode and kill us..."

you can't help but laugh out loud, not to mention have a vivid picture of "that" person in your mind...

today i feel like the appendix though, not really sure what i'm suppose to do, and slightly on the verge of exploding...not in the way i think he implied but an appendix still the same...

i need purpose today...

1 cor 8:3 "the man who loves God is known by God."

that is my true desire - to love God and be known by Him

my story...

the last few days i've spent immersed in an incredible experience of worship and teaching, called Catalyst...the focus this year was on the word "Reverb" and what effect can one person have on eternity, and what effect can thousands of people united in like purpose can do for the Kingdom of God...

there were so many nuggets of truth that I dare say I'll be writing about them for days but for today i choose a couple specific truths that liberated me from such old religious thinking and bondage that it is foremost on my heart...

i grew up in a good family, attended church but until my junior year of high school never really knew Him...my high school boyfriend Jim Turner sat me down in my living room one December evening and walked me through the gospel of salvation and my heart and eyes were opened like never before to the reality of my sinful life and the incredible love, forgiveness and grace of Christ. i accepted Him into my heart that night and that following weekend attended church with Jim where I was instructed to make a public confession of what I had done...I walked to the front of the massive sanctuary and prayed with someone briefly then returned to my seat where i was then instructed i needed to be baptized to make it "official" (ok, maybe that wasn't the exact words but you get the point) then the following weeks i struggled as i listened to message after message of "you need to be saved" when in my heart i was constantly thinking, i already did that, what is next, what now??? i attended a "discipleship" class that instructed me to write down my "testimony" of what God had done in my life...i struggled more because i wasn't one of those people that had this death to life transformation, i had never drank, or smoked, or robbed a bank, i had pretty much been a good person that just didn't know they needed a savior...that just didn't know i was separated from my creator that loved me so much He made a way for me to be with Him for all eternity...

well this weekend one of the speakers, Erwin McManus finally addressed that issue at a personal level to me - he basically said that he knew in a crowd of 11,000 christian leaders that most of us had probably never been a "bad" person, we had probably grown up in good homes with families that loved and nurtured us, and that with all well meaning religious instruction for us to "share our testimony" with others, that it was Ok that if our experience was uniquely our own...God intended it that way...

he also said that God understands our needs far more than we can even understand them ourselves...the followers of Jesus need to have permission to be human again... to just share their story, their own individual story, no formulas, no embellishments, but just our real life from our hearts; have we so distorted our minds and hearts (in the name of religion) that we accept life as it is and not as the life God desires for us?

the human spirit cannot live in falsehood; our souls are designed to live and flourish in the truth...the miracle of my story, my salvation is NOT that I have it all together, far from it, but that I'm broken, and I have struggles and I am human; and all those things are brought together by the Master, and designed for something beautiful, to allow other people to see His beauty in our brokenness and His healing...

Jeremiah 1:4
...before I formed you in the womb I KNEW YOU;
...before you were born I SET YOU APART...

amazing isn't it...i've heard those verses for years but now I get it, really get it...

in my parents eyes I may have been a surprise, but God needed me, I was created for His purpose - He needed me; and I have the very same spirit that raised Christ from the dead residing in me - little ol' me that thought she had no story, no value, nothing to say or to share...

I no longer believe I have nothing to say, but Christ in me does...
I no longer believe that I am not empowered for something greater...but I am empowered for His greatness and glory...
I no longer believe that I am not accountable for my minutes and days and years, but that every second of every day is designed for me to glorify Him...

hungry...

I think sometimes the hardest part of relationships is being vulnerable...

knowing you can dare trust to share with someone else with your deepest desires, fears, hurts, dreams...i think that it however is an admirable and courageous person that understands the need to be vulnerable with others regardless the personal price; the need to be real; ...in the context of good relational boundaries, vulnerability can lead to freedom; ironic isn't it - what we fear most can also liberate us best...

vulnerability does not come naturally though to most - usually because vulnerability is also the place where our wounds lay fresh, open, broken...healing was designed by God through the vulnerability of our relationships, with our "family" in Christ...let's face it though, we are all messed up; and in God's infinite wisdom He has placed other messed up people in our lives that are meant to minister to our deepest "messes"...maybe because they have already been there, maybe because they are at the same exact place, maybe because they see where we are headed; all i know is that i am grateful for those people, and today i make a conscious choice to allow God to lead me to those people to which I will find growth and healing


Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You , so I wait for You

Kathryn Scott/Vineyard Music

When I say I'm a Christian...

"A woman's heart should be

so hidden in Christ

that a man should have to

seek Him first to find her."


When I say I'm a Christian...
by Carol Wimmer

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

agreement...

i have come to the profound conclusion that somewhere between dreams and reality is the actuality of where we exist. not live mind you, but exist...not the place we function on a day to day basis, not the place we fantasize of what we could be or what could have been, but the place where our actual thoughts develop into the actual actions we take...
i know we are composed of a mind, a will and our emotions...my emotional side has definitely been on overload the last month, doing battle with my own will; my mind has been the rational and sometimes irrational mediator of it all...
i started thinking amongst all this battle about the power of, and in, agreement, that if you have two together it is more powerful than one; i somehow think that applies to our own thinking; if our mind and emotions are in agreement, then our will has to follow; if our will and our mind are in agreement, then likewise our emotions will have to follow; it's those times when the three are all at odds with one another that we need to surrender to the agreement of a friend or even greater the agreement of scripture in that circumstance;
it leads me to remember where it says in Philippians about "what to think on"; the amplified version even says "fix your minds on them"...those things that are true, honorable, lovely pure, gracious, virtuous, praiseworthy...how many times do I allow my thoughts to run rampant on the what ifs, in life, in relationships, in situations instead of filtering the thoughts on the things that God tells us to think on...how many times does that simple act of relinquishing my thoughts to my emotions or will allow agreement to happen but in a wrong direction?
yes, ultimately we are free to do, to think, to act however we want, but 1 Cor 6 says that our freedom is for Christ and it must be filtered through these 3 things (stella paraphrased version) one, does it glorify Christ? (my freedom is for that purpose alone) two, is it helpful, beneficial to the body of Christ, and three, is it wise for my life? if i take a step back i can answer those questions very simply for every challenge i face, and choice i feel i must make...it's the choosing to agree with God's ways and not mine own where the battle truly lies...

capacity...

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord, and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God...

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us: no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.
Sacrifice and offering You do not desire, nor have You delight in them: You have given me the capacity to hear and obey Your law, a more valuable service than burnt offerings and sin offerings which You do not require.
Psalm 40:1-3; 5-6

we cry to the Lord and He in His mercy leans down to us, but how many times have we thrown up our hands, and are no longer patiently waiting?
our steps are ordered, but how many times do we search out our own rocky paths?
the songs are there too, but how many times do we keep them to ourselves, afraid that our voice doesn't need to be heard?
how many times does HE think about me - Wow, He really does???
we are given the capacity, but how many times do we choose not to use it?

Got CHI?

i ran into some friends from church tonite that coordinate foreign exchange students for this area...they currently have a student living with them that was a former exchange student from China that has graduated and is now back here for college, her name is Zhand or Z for short, and a second one currently staying with them is a high school student from China also that goes by the name Vera- they are both adorable, sweet girls...

i joined them all for dinner tonite at the local chinese restaurant, both girls like to go here since it's the closest to "home cooking" you can get in douglas, ga...


from the moment we sat down, a sweet liitle boy who i later found out his
name is CHI (like chee) adopted me - his mom works there and they too
have only been in the US for a very short time...he grabbed me by the hand at the table and escorted me to the buffet, where he promptly pointed to the yellow and then the red jello, and then a bowl - he doesn't speak a lick of english, but was so adorable, and a child's laughter is so wonderfully universal, and trust me, he could communicate very well by his facial expressions...he did say jello too by the end of the nite!

as i walked to my car to leave, he motioned to me as if to ask "can i come too?" his mom was so sweet to let him know that we would all be back to play with him soon!

what a blessing it was to meet all of these students!
i think i have a new best friend too...

forever stained...

"pure and undefiled religion

in the sight of the Father is this,
to visit orphans and widows,

in their distress,

and to keep oneself
unstained by the world..." james 1:27


i remember like it was yesterday waking up from my sleeping bag on the hard gym floor...i stepped quietly not to wake anyone else and slipped outside to the steps of the schoolhouse that served as my home part of that summer...i enjoyed the heavy clouds that rested on the mountains that morning, grateful for the cool dampness, the grey-blue haze of the early morning hours, i knew all too soon the temperatures would soar in the low hundreds again, just in time i thought for us to finish the tin roof that day...
i remember most the faces of the children...i remember thinking in my simplistic teenage mind, how could this still be America? i've always heard about conditions like this, but not in my own country, this is the land of privilege, the land of blessing, prosperity and wealth...how could people exist with no running water, floors of dirt, and walls of newspaper? did these people have the same dreams we all do? did they have the same hurts we had? were they really unlike us at all? i didn't choose to be from a middle class family, they didn't choose poverty; they didn't choose to be left as orphans in a society that values getting over giving; they didn't choose...but you know what, neither did we, but we have within us the power of choice...
that summer in Elkins Branch, West Virginia, a proud town, with a rich history of coal mining, my view of the world became much smaller and at the same time much broader; my view of the fact that as one little 15 year old, i could actually touch some one's life if only for a moment in a real and tangible way became a reality; i had the ability to impact someone just by a simple act of kindness and selflessness, by making a home warmer, safer and drier...on days when i'm "too big for my britches" as my grandpa would say, i keep the photo above of those children that lived in this particular home that summer as a constant reminder that my purpose must constantly focus outward not inward...it's hard some days being in the land of the free to keep my eyes on Him and what He has for me to accomplish in this life; saying that however only humbles me, thinking that i haven't know hardship like others we are commanded to minister to. I'm not a great orator, i stumble or get emotional when i try to say something profound or heartfelt; heck, i cry at the end of every episode of extreme home makeover...but i can swing a hammer, hold a paint brush, gather clothes or blankets, i can raise money, i can go and just wrap my arms around a child and in my heart never let them go...i can...more importantly, i will...

more recently my heart has turned back to my desire to minister to the orphans in romania and the former soviet union; it's been an unfulfilled passion on my heart, but not for much longer i pray...even if it's just holding one of them in my arms, i feel i will have touched the heart of God; and that is what i long for expectantly...
while i may remain unstained by the world, as james says, my heart is permanently stained by His love...

below is a short video - please take a moment to view it and ask yourself what you can do - maybe your passion lies else where, that's ok, just take the time, purpose in your heart to do whatever it takes to fulfill that God given passion in your lifetime - i promise you will never regret it...and neither will the people who receive your touch...

i will remember...

i will remember...

is my God big enough?

there are those days like today that I painfully realized the vanity of my own human-ness, the shallowness of my own desires, and the fraility, or the strength of my relationships...

i have to say that the last two days i've learned more about myself than i care to admit...i can't say that i'm proud of either of these lessons... first, i've learned that doing the "right thing" in my eyes, can cause others to resent you, whether it's intent was meant out of true concern for the very life and well-being of a person headed tragically down a path of self-destruction...

second, and most humbling is recognizing that even as a Christian, i have the ability to deceive myself by wrong thinking...thus producing wrong actions, that not only affect or wound me, but others in relationship with me...

it leaves me to ask today just this:

is my God big enough, to open the box that I've placed Him in?
is my God strong enough, to break the chains that lock me in?
is my God patient enough, to hold me till I stand on my own?
is my God great enough, to fill the hole in my heart?
is my God kind enough, to pick me up, and never let me go?
when all is said and done,
and all the tears i have left i have shed,
is my God big enough, to write a story for me, when i've so greatly failed?

was this hurt, this ache, all part of the plan, the process, the scheme?
to show that my God is big enough,
and i'm much, so much, smaller than i seem?

burden me...

let's play a game - when i say a word what is the first thing that comes to mind?

burden

do you immediately think of a person, or situation, or heartache?
do you think of others or just yourself?

Nehemiah was the king's cupbearer - and a lot of people don't realize the responsibility and weight that position carried. it would be likened today to a Prime Minister that guides a King or a President. one funny attribute I thought though was that the cupbearer was to always have a smile on his face in the presence of the King...no matter what was going on around, famine, war, you name it, he was suppose to smile. in Nehemiah 1 and 2, we see that the cupbearer literally risked his life because the burden on his heart for God's people was so strong that he didn't smile one day when he was summoned by the King. The King in his graciousness though asked why his countenance was so downcast, and when Nehemiah explained to him his heart hurt for the people because they were dying, the King felt the burden for the people and on Nehemiah's heart and cried, and prayed and fasted for His people.

When was the last time you cried out for the state of anyone? When was the last time that you stepped out of your place of prosperity, (yes, this is America) and truly cried for the lost, the dying, the wounded? When is the last time that you asked the Lord to burden your heart for someone else?

i remember clearly as if it was yesterday that i used to pray a simple prayer that went something like this:
"Lord break my heart with the things that break yours."

i wonder why i ever stopped praying it? was it too much to bear? was i comfortable having my "own" burdens? i can't say for certain...but this i know, tonight i pray this prayer again, and wait expectantly that the Lord ignite a burden in my heart that maybe has fallen victim to self, or selfishness, and that He places a new burden in my heart that brings me to my knees for His people...and please don't ever let my smile be the masking of my heart, but a reflection.

scars...

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place you brought me from
That keeps me on my knees

And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are

I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

from "Heal the Wound" by Point of Grace

scars - we all have them, some are very visible, physical reminders, some are hidden to the naked eye, some reside in places only seen by our heart...
it was a rainy saturday and i was working on an art project due for my 3rd grade class; i had to finish it before spring break so we could go on vacation. i came from a very crafty family so we were all well versed in the proper use of crafting tools. I was carving something from a piece of balsa wood, with an x-acto knife...i had just put a brand new blade in the knife and had drawn out my plan of where to cut the block...i began the cut and while watching my sister across the table do something on her own project, i looked down and saw a small puddle of blood...shocked i jerked my hand back and the tip of my left fore-finger hung in a way that it just wasn't suppose to; only when i finally looked at it did it begin to throb...the blade had been so sharp that the cut itself i didn't even feel, that is until i took off the pressure of holding the piece of wood...
30 years later i still remember the doctor stitching me back together and still carry the scar and the not no normal shape of the tip of that finger. it doesn't hurt anymore but it always reminds me of the very emotion and feelings that i felt when it happened.

scars are weird like that. they remind you of the wound itself. you may not have thought of an event or a person or a situation for years, then all of a sudden for some reason the scar is brought before us...what do you choose to do with it? do we linger in the pain of that instant, as if we still carry the wound? or do you let the scar be the reminder of where you've been, of what He has carried you through, or of what still may actually be a wound that needs to be healed...

i've been grateful for my scars, the healing of the physical ones, the one on my finger, the one on my forehead, the ones i carry on my legs; but what about the deeper ones that no one else sees - is that really true? are your inner scars hidden from others or do they prevent you from being vulnerable again because you don't want to have to experience the pain that created that scar...

we all do have them, but one thing i've learned about forgiveness and scars is this - we will always carry the scars, but the day we don't allow the memory of them to rule how we live our life is when we know we have truly forgiven the hurt that caused the wound, that caused the scar...

use your weapons...

every once in a while i play this game on my computer called "super collapse II"...it's one of those games that's part strategy, part how fast is it humanly possible to click a mouse, where you try to tear down walls of blocks by getting them in groups of three, as the computer continually adds rows of blocks - i know, amazing, huh?

anyway...a few nites ago i was playing and every once in a while there are little "weapons" that pop up and allow special "extras" that help you reach the finish faster...and as i was playing i felt the Lord speak to me "you need to do that too - use your weapons..."

now in the game version you never know when a weapon will pop up, and sometimes you don't know what it's purpose is until you click on it, but it always is for your benefit... in "real life" we have been provided with spiritual weapons that we must choose to use...which are also for our benefit...

one thing i have noticed about the game is that if you choose NOT to use the weapons, you generally lose much more quickly - it seems the same in real life...it's easy (for a while) to fight our own battles, well for some people, we won't name names...but true independence comes not by our own desire to be in control of our circumstances, quite the opposite - utter dependence on God brings freedom...ironic...

2 Corinthians 10:4-6 ...For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ..."
i'm sure there are other "deep" analogies i could convey from this game - one, is i wonder why you have to have at least 3 blocks - hmmm, vaguely reminiscent of a three fold cord is not easily broken; two, is that you are only competing against yourself, no one else, only you can increase your high score, only you can improve with each game, you have no one else to compare yourself to or to compete against...that's another whole blog in itself; three, when you use the weapons effectively you are rewarded for your actions - in the case of the the game you get cool sound effects and bonus points, in real life, i think most importantly of the heavenly rewards that await us for our faith...

Ephesians 6: 13 - Therefore take up the whole armour of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand, stand therefore...

you go mom!

haven't we all been there!

choosing not to fail...

I will have failed if God is named, but not praised,
analyzed but not glorified,
seen but not sought.

- Mark Buchanan, The Holy Wild

ahhh...romance...

i had this incredible revelation last nite - actually yesterday was filled with lots of revelation to me personally...in several forms...first there was that "aha" moment that liberated years, if not decades of wrong thinking, then later there were tears, tears of relief, of healing, of recognizing that wounds of the past were real and they really mattered and that's ok (i'll explain more of that later), then peace, then to my utter surprise, romance...in the deepest sense of the word...

i'm sure you're thinking by now i have gone off the deep end, i mean i'm even typing this in pink to get my point across, because in my mind romance is pink and chocolate brown, it's candlelight, it's inviting, it's luxurious, it's subdued, it's valiant...it's precious...

i'm not sure if i'm even qualified to try to convey the feeling that i experienced - let me try this way - have you ever been with someone and just their mere touch made you melt? made you secure? made you wish it would never end? it's almost as if Christ Himself was reaching through that person's body directly to you because He know you needed that touch of a loving, kind Father?

that is the romance i mean...

i've been reading (i know, shocker) a book that i read a couple years back, but never really "got" - maybe it wasn't meant for me to get at that time, maybe it was just to plant the seeds of what i have finally gotten, who knows, but yesterday i picked it up again and that led to the tears part of my day...it wasn't pretty but it sure did feel good...

i think i can honestly say that i haven't felt Jesus' touch like that in so long...but why? i can tell you most simply that it wasn't for a lack of longing but for a lack of inviting. shame is a powerful stronghold - it's crippling emotionally. what was so revealing though was not the fact i experienced shame in areas of my life, but the fact that most of the areas of shame were unfounded at their core. the lies that "you're too much" or "not enough" or "not worth the effort" haunt women daily - every woman...that is a reality, but the simple and beautiful solution is romance - from our precious Lord...it's those days though that we stop running to Him and start seeking other people, things, loves to fill those places where we truly fail...

you know the old saying "there's a God shaped hole in each of our hearts that only He can fill..." but did you ever think of it the other way? If we are created in His image and likeness, it is only right to conclude that "there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual that it was designed for. You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one else and nothing else can fill. He longs for YOU!"

now Zeph. 3:17 has a whole new meaning - He sings over you with delight and longs to dance with you - You are the one that takes His breath away by your beautiful heart, that, against all odds hopes in Him...

"Faithful obedience to God is vital, but it is not all God draws us to. It is not sufficient for our healing, no more than doing the laundry is sufficient for marriage. And it will not be enough in the long run to carry us through...It is holy, fierce passion. Hearts afire."
...For the root of all holiness is Romance...

Growing Up or Growing Old?

there are certain trials in our lives that we all, at one time or another, really don't want to walk through...it would be a much more pleasant experience if we could just go around them, wish them away or in fact never have to face them at all...
today i'm choosing to face one that i've put up on the shelf for a while - i'll let you know later how it goes...this all was instigated by the way at church today...our pastor was talking about the epidemic in american christianity for people to "grow old" in church while never "growing up" in Christ...he coined it as Persistant Infancy Syndrome...
we all know them, people that got saved 20 years ago but have never made it past the new members class, have never discipled, much less ever witnessed to another human being, but yet faithfully attended every service...somehow all along thinking that their very prescence over the years maturity would come...i think at some point in all our lives we could say guilty, but I personally don't do stagnant very well...
the big question though that got me really thinking was this - he challenged us to look back to where we were spiritually just a year ago - and really reflect on have we grown? What about 10 years ago, what about to the day you truly committed your heart and life to Jesus? (in my case that was December of 1983...)
my own answer was a little disheartening - in some areas i can say i have grown and in others i can say i have personally avoided growing in for the mere mortal fact of pain...no one likes pain, but healing can only come when we are truthful with ourselves and our shortcomings.
We've all been hurt, damaged, and wounded, ususally by someone in church with all their well meaning intentions...the walls we build not only keep others out and us "safe", but they keep us "in" where we can't be truly seen...why is it so hard to see that vulnerabilty isn't weakness though, it's strength...

at some point i feel like people stopped seeing me, maybe in reality i just stopped letting them...

Lord, I need your strength to show me how to be vulnerable again...