the garden...

you would think by my blog title that i actually have a garden, a physical one, not so much the spiritual one implied by the original blog entry...well i don't not really, not right now at least. right now it's my parents 4 overwhelming acres that seems to need to be mowed every other day thanks to the fact fall has not reached north florida yet.

i was praying for insight to view the progress in that spiritual garden though, occasionally i have glimpses of where it's at, in a dream or just simply by asking...this time however the glimpse was not what i had expected. there's a section in my garden that has an arch and my favorite climbing rose; it's shady and calm in that little place, an escape from reality almost, the sheer beauty of its graceful rambling, the buttery softness of the masses of blooms...unexpected because it's been hard to feel or see beauty in anything right now, i was expecting the glimpse of the garden to be dry and rocky with more work, more toil...it was a welcome surprise and a refreshment, an encouragment, to keep plowing, keep digging, keep watering, keep waiting...and a welcome reminder that somethings once planted can develop within us and around us on their own, without our labor; just like when we hide God's word in our heart, it grows from within us, silently, expanding, producing a beauty we could never create on our own.

I quit....

I sooooooooooooooooooo can't do this anymore....

just venting....

venting, i guess that's what this is - i'm beyond myself emotionally....cannot wrap my mind around this whole taking care of my parents thing.
i battle daily with personal loss - loss of career, loss of my home, loss of any idea of ever having a future again, loss of fun, enjoyment, sleep....and that loss confronts the fact that mom doesn't want to be in wheelchair, that then turns to guilt in the fact that i'm being selfish that the life that was robbed from her, i can help return to her in some little way daily...yet i'm empty, lonely, ....i'm short tempered, impatient, selfish...desperate for someone that understands
no one does....no one
i even question if Jesus understands, He never had to take care of His mom and dad, He never saw them old and feeble and helpless...How can anyone that has never been there really have any idea....my faith is strong in some areas, but in this one thing Lord help my unbelief...

more often then not, too often that i'm ashamed to admit, i just want it all to be over so i can move on...i'm tired of the fight, the effort, the struggle, the daily battles...i just want to give up, walk away into oblivion, disappear....not that i'm not already invisible anyway, but totally disappear...

there is a balance that eludes me, a satisfaction that evades me, a happiness that is so far from me right now...i know things have been taken care of, but right now it's just not enough...
i have no meaning anymore, no purpose anymore, nothing to strive for anymore - just the daily monotony....nothing to accomplish, only routine; nothing to reach for, only smallness...
i thought i was suppose to be somebody, do something important, guess i was wrong...if this is all there is, i want out...

my prayer...

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory
and He is here



And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship


This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I am filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow.

-Hillsong, "Prayer in the Desert"

men...and marriage...

A young girl asked, 'Is it true Mom, that in some parts of Africa a woman doesn't know her husband until she marries him?' Mom replied, "That happens in every country."

I'm not Leah...and that's OK...

i go through the periods of reflection, i guess we all do, it's part of the growth process...seeing where we are, where we've been, where we'd like to be...this time i've really been asking the Lord to possess character like this person's kindness, or this person's wisdom...i think we all have this image in our mind of who or what we think we should be like and when we see in demonstrated in someone else we think "if i only could be like that!" Maybe it's just me (don't think so but maybe...) i think my picture has changed over the years, i still am envious of those women that seem to spew Godly gentleness and kindness with their every word, that when they open their mouths you know greatness is getting ready to happen...i think that picture always had this part that said "you are going to be somebody" you know, someone significant...

as i was reading an article of a interior decorator that i admire, i remember saying in my heart, "Lord i want to have her life, to be just like her..." and as clear as you are hearing these words from me, the Lord spoke to my heart and said "You will never be 'just like her' because I have made you 'just like you'. Not that your are any lesser than her, or greater than her...just different than her." The things you have done and experienced and have lived I have specifically designed for you, she couldn't do what you have done, you couldn't do what she has done...it's that simple...take joy in knowing I admire you for exactly who and what you are and enjoy transforming and changing you into my image and walking with you in your perfect will...

no matter how insignificant i think my life may be, i guess i have become significant, in God's plan...so I praise God for my bluntness and ask Him to sprinkle it with kindness, and I praise God for my inability to say the right thing all the time and ask Him for His grace when i truly need His words, and I praise God for making me, me...and ask that He continues to change me to all that He wants me to be...


I still admire Leah's talent, and when she speaks how her words flow of God's love and sweetness, and, oh, i really like her haircut...but I'm Ok to NOT have her life, because God has given me mine...and even though at times it seems small, and insignificant to me...He doesn't see it that way...

feed me...

I heard this story today and thought it was an amazing illustration on selfishness. It was taught in the context of marriage, but you will see how it can be applied in all areas of selfishness in our lives:

"It was a story I had heard years ago about the difference between heaven and hell. I really liked it and had used it for years. It isn't a biblically accurate story, but that's not the point. It is accurate related to human behavior and how our attitudes affect our happiness in life and in marriage. Here it is.
In heaven and in hell there is a banquet table where people are seated and before them is a great feast. A strange dilemma both in heaven and in hell is the way they must eat. In both places every person has eating utensils strapped to their hands that they cannot take off. Also, the utensils are too long for them to feed themselves. There is no way they could scoop food and return it to their own mouths.
In heaven, the people find the solution easily. With joy, they just feed each other and have a great time of fellowship as they serve one another and enjoy the feast that heaven offers. Hell is much different. The people in hell are so selfish that they would rather starve to death than help someone else. Therefore, even though they have the same food available, they never experience it because they refuse to serve each other.
Like I said before, it isn’t an accurate account of what the Bible says and most likely it will never happen. It is however, a very accurate picture of the difference between good and bad marriages. The primary difference in many cases between success or failure in marriage is simply whether you are motivated by selfishness or a servant attitude.

Just like in the story, we can’t meet our own needs. We are helpless to give ourselves the things that only our spouse can give. Also, just like in the story, a banquet is set before us in marriage. Both of us bring to the marriage amazing giftings, abilities and traits that can nourish and bless our spouses. However, they can only be experienced if we focus on each other and are willing to serve and give.
I remember back to our marriage in the "hell" days when I was too selfish to meet Karen’s needs or focus on her. We lived in an emotional wilderness where both of us were miserable. I resented Karen for not meeting my needs and she felt the same way about me. Karen was better than me though, because she was the first one willing to feed me even if I wouldn’t feed her.
I also remember when our season in hell ended and the "heaven" years began approximately thirty years ago. I saw the light and repented for my selfishness. Since then Karen and I have been committed to serving each other and meeting each others needs. Our marriage has been blessed ever since and has grown in passion and intimacy."

are you willing to "feed others" around you?

wordle, part 2

http://www.wordle.net/

honor your father and mother, part 2...

well it's been a while since i've taken any time to sit down and write; things have been so different these last few months - i've been back here 8 months now and there are days when i think i'm truly going crazy and days where i rejoice knowing i am honoring my parents...

some days i wonder, how much longer...then i return to the thought of what must happen and what the family i must go through to get to the next step...

some days i wonder if this is all there will be for a long time....

i miss "my" life...my friends, my home, my work (who'd think i'd ever say that!)

things are really simple, somedays too simple...

i do read more, sleep less, work harder in the yard, in the house...and some days i work less...

i look forward to selling my house in GA and paying off some debt...

i spend a whole lot less...don't really "need" much either...

i look for opportunities to make some money but don't stress about bringing in the big bucks anymore...

a hectic day is too many diaper runs and the cable going out...well at least the cable part is a big deal to mom & dad, i like the peace and quiet personally...

never thought i would enjoy a trip to wal mart or the pharmacy, but it gives me some normalcy...

a treat is still starbucks, and sundays are still cherished as a day of rest and refreshing...

i still have the perfect house plan, not sure where it will be built...i think of the day when this is "all over" and what i will do, travel to nashville i'm sure, travel somewhere, maybe rent a RV and just go and go until i find that perfect place for the house...oh, and i'll sleep, all nite...

no one ever said how hard this would be...i like being skinny though, i've lost 26 pounds, think it's around 22 now though...that's still ok, i love being a size 4 or 6 and sometimes 8, it's all relative anyway...

SMILE!!!

I got my braces off today! HAPPY SMILE! (ignore the hair, just look at the teeth!) Thanks to all at Fender-Goggans Orthodontics!

design your life...

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose ..."

-switchfoot

2009!

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Healthy Self-Knowing Believer

november...

i have been here in Jax. for 8 weeks now, probably the most challenging and emotional of my life...since last writing dad has taken a turn for the worse in the dementia realm, much better almost healed in the foot infection side though....
i have rented our house to a nice Christian couple for 2 years, Bills are still covered, mom is very well. I continue to Praise God daily for ordering our steps and blessing us as we honor my mom and dad. God is so faithful in taking care of every little thing as He promised me from the day I arrived - I just have to let Him and stop getting so stressed so easily when things seem so overwhelming...

Moving stuff out of mom & dad's has been a struggle, the stuff just keeps multiplying...and the time is limited. this weekend to moving all the stuff from GA to a temporary storage unit while we are getting the carpet done, etc...
In my mind I've redesigned the entire home...it's going to take a while to get there though.

Emotionally I've been on a roller coaster, dad good one minute, crazy the next....it's hard, sad and at times I pray to Jesus to release him, take hin into His loving arms and go peacefully to heaven in his sleep....I know I'm horrible to think that, I just don't want him to lose all his faculties before he goes...I just want him to be at peace and out of pain...

I love my dad but admit am scared to care for him and mom together. Mom is pretty easy, very set routine and predictable...dad, well today not so much... today he spent his time on a ship, on the deck where he was told to take his post, as well as getting verbally abusive and agitated to almost everyone he came in contact with...we are seeking an additional psych consult, trying to find some happy medium in his treatment...i pray each day for wisdom and more wisdom and strength from somewhere I know I don't seem to possess, at least emotionally...

I love you dad, I pray for peace and a sound mind...

october...

i thought since i barely made it with the september post that i should try to get the october one in, well, in october...
so where do i begin...the decision to move to my parents has been an easy one and a hard one. At my age, giving up the white picket fence american dream may seem crazy, and stressful but i know the choice is the right one. My mom came home a day and a half after being at the nursing home, i cried the whole way home after leaving here there knowing that it just wasn't what was best for her. she is relieved. i am too.
dad's foot continues to improve and his physical therapy is going well. there have been some other issues as far as crazy talking and some periods of disorientation that we're not sure is just old age or a side effect of blood sugar being not quite under control...
i've done several things i've never thought i would have to, visited a funeral home to get all the info on their gravesites, right next to grandma and grandpa...done a budget for my parents and started to sell most of my possessions to make room in their home...
i have planned in my head the remodel that i hope will one day happen...we'll see, for now it's the endless battle of packing all the stuff still upstairs and take part to goodwill, the rest to Abbie's for the eventual yard sale.
God has provided even down to the boxes needed for packing and daily i do enjoy a great quiet time with Him, it's my only sanity really...He has promised that all will be taken care of and I trust Him fully, although it's still so hard for me to not try and figure it all out and plan how it will work...God has covered the initial hospital bill of $118,000 and all we owe is $1024 - Praise God, and I know He will continue. Homeowner's insurance has been reviewed and lowered, taxes are going down, the Discover bill is paid and all is provided each and every day.
As I prayed last night God continued to remind me that He will work it all out...I'm just ready for ther house to be sold or rented in GA...

and though i feel small and insignificant, I know if "I honor my parents it will go well with me" now if the patience part of me will just kick in that would be great...
I love you Lord, thank you for all you have done and all you are continuing to do...

September...

most of September has been a blur to me, especially since it's now October 7th and I'm just saying that...on September 16th my sister called me in tears saying dad has to go into the hospital and she needs help taking care of mom. i understood and made some adjustments at work thinking I'd be home in a few days...

well the news came dad would need to be hospitalized 4-6 weeks, and my perspective quickly changed to part fear, part panic, part what am i going to do? mom needs full time care as most of you know from her stroke and for anyone that has been a caregiver full time my heart goes out to you - it's exhausting...compare it to a 120 pound 3 month old - she can't walk, talk, or do those other things by herself...she is however in good health, just impaired physically...

after about 10 days of this my sister and i thought that a nursing facility may be our best option so we researched and found a Christian facility that seemed to be perfect...we told mom, it was horrible...but we took her anyway. on Friday October 3rd...i left the facility physically sick, knowing we had made the worst decision ever and on that Friday nite as I was driving home feeling selfish, and like i had abandoned my own mother, i called Abbie in tears and she agreed it was the wrong choice. I told her to find out what we have to do to discharge her and i would be back Sunday to stay at home with her...

i will be moving in the next few weeks progressively to Jacksonville, to the home i grew up in. Downsizing myself, selling off a bunch of what we won't need for a season and moving into the upstairs of their home till...

it's a huge transition, my boss in GA is wonderfully letting me stay on and work remotely, and i am believing for the peacefulness of the situation, dad to continue to heal quickly and all other things to fall into place, especially for John to find a job he loves and enjoys and is financially rewarding as well, and for our home in Douglas to rent or sell quickly.

i look forward to the prospect of being finally out of debt, although i would have never dreamed it would come like this...

gotta love hurricanes...

growing up in Florida you get use to a hurricane or two now and then...and the traditional clean up the yard after the hurricane...well Fay hit about two weeks ago, and decided to hang out over North Florida and South Georgia for about a week dumping record rains...don't get me wrong we needed the rain but the after clean up has been not so fun...
Drove down Saturday morning to mom & dad's who have a HUGE yard on the river in Florida, and luckily for us it rained the entire time we were suppose to be cleaning up. we all voted to wait till hurricane season was over and do one big cleanup...
but that's not the best part, the last couple times I've been down I've felt I really needed to talk to mom and find out for sure that she had accepted Christ. mom is 76, and actually I've had the great opportunity to pray with my grandfather, grandmother and now mom to make sure they are certain of their relationship with Jesus. I asked mom if she remembered what i talked about at grandma's funeral, when I shared of how I got to pray with my grandmother. she nodded yes (mom can't talk much since her stroke) and I asked her if she wanted to do that - ask Jesus in her heart. She nodded yes again, and so we said a quick prayer and now like with grandma, and grandpa I know for sure...
i love hurricanes...

namesake...

i LOVE this photo - it's my grandma Estelle and

my grandpa Jimmie...this is who i was named after,well part of the name - Maria is from my dad's mom but i never got to meet her, she passed before i was born, then of course my grandma Estelle, my mom's mom...

they were married 66 years before grandpa passed away, and just about 10 years later grandma Estelle passed away at 95...

i miss them both but what a great legacy they left behind...

complete...

the theme this weekend from church to home group to my own reading today was on love and salvation and how complete a salvation we have...complete...i think it's easy to apply God's salvation in some areas but mentally think "oh it doesn't include this or that" because our own perception is somehow limited...

in my reading today there was this statement:
"God knows the frailties of our character. The human heart is a fickle thing; it caves in to the voices of this world and the compulsions of our flesh. But it is redeemable, utterly redeemable. 'He is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.' Hebrews 7:25
Have we forgotten the call of the holy God? He understands our imperfections, but He calls us above them. The pure in heart - the steadfast, passionate, faithful lovers of the Savior - are a work in progress. But it is a relentless work. Our direction never changes. God will always show more of Him to those blessed enough to crave purity."

class pictures...

the thought of elementary school comes around when i have to get photos taken..i never liked picture day, have no idea why, just one of those things...still don't...but here's the latest "class picture", please stop laughing, really...

taylor's closet...

i love this idea!

Often times, when children come in to foster care, they are taken away from their homes and families with literally no notice and only the clothes or pajamas they are wearing at the time. It's usually a very scary thing for a kid to deal with.

Taylor 's Closet exists to bless less fortunate girls with awesome clothes. We just want to give them something to be happy about and share the love of Christ with them in the process.

In Matthew 25:36 Jesus directs us to care for those who are having a tough time.





"I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me."

want to do more or be a part? www.taylorscloset.org

wordle - how cool is this?

make your own: http://wordle.net/

Have you ever been at one of those big opening night events – where all the important people walk the red carpet on the other side of that red velvet rope? Well let’s imagine that you have a red velvet rope for your life? Who are you going to let inside? What “friends” do you really want to spend your time with? What relatives do you want to allow inside your red velvet rope? If you have a business, what customers will you select?

Don’t just think this is being self-centered or egotistical. If you have no red velvet rope you will find that your life will be taken over by people and activities that may not be in your best interests. In working with a young lady just recently released from prison, she is seeing that her old friends and hang-outs set her up for the same self-defeating behaviors that led her to prison. She needs to break those connections, hold her red velvet rope up high and decide who gets in.
This is just like setting and living by your own goals – if you haven’t identified your goals, I can assure you you’re living out someone else’s goals for your life. If you don’t have a red velvet rope, you’ll have customers stealing your valuable time, family members who just want to pull you down to their level, friends who don’t embrace your desires for a higher level of success, and activities that waste your highest areas of contribution.

So define who and what you will allow inside your red velvet rope:

What kind of people do you enjoy being around?
What goals do they have for their own lives?
How are they enriching the lives of other people or making the world a better place?
Are they happy, creative and optimistic?
What activities do you find energizing and invigorating?
What kind of environment brings out your best talents and makes you feel purposeful and fulfilled?

Now what people and activities will get past the red velvet rope that protects you?

You might just be amazed at the increase you will see in peace, productivity and profits.
Remember the Aesop fable about The Man, The Boy and The Donkey?

Trying to please everyone is futile. Even Jesus said Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! (Luke 6:26) Use your red velvet rope to weed out the undesirable parts of your life.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

the kitchen!

ok, i have to brag on myself since i am so proud i did this all by myself (well almost, thanks michelle the tile guru for teaching me to tile!) but the rest, the painting, chair covering, valance, painting, and more painting, and the wall art are all me!!!

the photos are a little dark, i still haven't mastered this new camera, but the walls are a very warm latte brown and a calming robin's egg blue, and the tile is stone - the iron dining chairs i did in blue fabric that has a little brown and cream in it and the valance is a perfect stripe with an awesome fun trim - most importantly, it's all done!!!

the kitchen and dining area are all connected so you can see below this is the dining area with that cool wall art i mentioned before where i put all the antique ceiling tiles! it's so beautiful (if i do say so myself, and i do!!!) above the cabinets is my collection of aqua and white antique mccoy pottery and other antiques - i love it!

look what i did!

yesterday and today i tiled a new travertine backsplash in my kitchen - i can't believe how beautiful it turned out! i know the photos aren't the greatest but i will post some more later with my "good" camera...
all that i have left is to paint, and to hang the cool antique ceiling tiles on the wall and oh yeah, sew the new valance for the bay window....hmmm, and i thought i was making progress...

home...

there's nothing like sleeping in your own bed after a wonderful trip to visit friends and family! I think I officially exhausted my annual need for "retail therapy" (ok, maybe not my annual need, but at least a month or so!) and made some great finds at the flea market. I got some great antique ceiling tins to use in my kitchen as wall art, that was my major find for the week, others were smaller more luxury for myself items that were just nice little finds too...
i realized how much i miss nashville and i think my goal is to be back there some day, but for now i am content knowing my "family" is always there to pick up right where i left off whenever that time finally comes...
i love you michelle, cece, patty, lisa, ridley & lisa, deb, and the new friends i met while i was there...thanks for making my vacation a memorable one!

our jobs...

while i do have to say this doesn't currently apply to my job, i did think a lot about "calling" an my calling while on vacation...

read and enjoy:

Abused Wife Syndrome
No, this is not really about abused wives. But I had a client use that phrase recently in describing his repeated return to the work of his professional training (yes, another dentist). In his mind, there was a strikingly similar pattern. He would break away for something more rewarding, experience a challenge or setback, and return to the work he despised yet knowing it was where he could make the most predictable income.
Last night Joanne and I went to see the new Steve Carell movie, Get Smart. In one poignant scene Anne Hathaway is afraid she is going to get sent back to a desk job, rather than being a field agent. She moans and says, Yes, I can imagine that, just like I can imagine scraping a cheese grater across my forehead.
Do you do your work only because of the paycheck you get? Do you long to leave for something more enjoyable? Have you tried another path only to return to what is more familiar? Unfortunately, wives, dogs, and children often get trapped in these patterns of going back to negative and abusive situations. The emotions and self-esteem issues there may be complicated and confusing. However, the stakes are dramatically lessened in a “job.” A job should not be the definition of “who” or “what” you are. You can leave today and not change the overall purpose or direction of your life. Your “Calling” is a much larger concept than what you do daily to create income. No divorce is needed to walk away and into a more fulfilling and rewarding type of work.
And you can leave the cheese grater in the cupboard.

NASHVILLE!

today is the final countdown to my long awaited vacation - while some of my travel plans have changed, my home, at least the home where i left my heart is just a mere 24 hours away - Nashville!
Michelle and I have Friday and Saturday planned and large amounts of retail therapy is involved, then Sunday I know I'm going to my old church, seeing Cece and the kids and after that sky's the limit!
i'm so looking forward to seeing the old gang, and one of my favorite old haunts, yes starbucks! - and just for some shopping and relaxing and a new adventure for a few days!

care...

in this world you are an orphan -
eagerly anticipating your adoption as God's child.
in this world you are a widow -
longing for reunion with your Bridegroom.
in this world you are a stranger -
a pilgrim waiting to become a citizen of heaven.

and in this world, God has called you to care for the
orphan, the stranger, and the widow...

my heart goes out to the now widows, and orphans and
strangers in myranmar...

meet Sophie!

Meet Sophie! I could say she's one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while, and in fact she is partly but I can't place all the blame on her that's for sure! Guess I just haven't had much to say or share! Sophie joined my family on March 28th, and she is absolutely precious! She is about 75% wolf and 25% husky and has the sweetest temperment! Granted, she is still a puppy, with all the running, biting and chewing, but she has already mastered sitting, lying down and the all important high five! (we're still working on stay - that's tough when you have so much energy!) She also actually will bring the ball back when I throw it so I think that is marvelous for her age - she just turned 14 weeks yesterday!

The photo on the right was the day I brought her home -wow, she has really grown - she has almost doubled in size in just a month! We're off for our nightly walk - I have definitely found that helps her (and me!) sleep much better!

ESTJ...

>"The Guardian"
As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.

The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.

When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.

ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.

The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.

According to Wikipedia:

ESTJs are practical, realistic, and matter-of-fact, with a natural head for business or mechanics. Though they are not interested in subjects they see no use for, they can apply themselves when necessary. They like to organize and run activities. ESTJs make good administrators, especially if they remember to consider others' feelings and points of view, which they often miss.

According to Keirsey:

ESTJs, or "Supervisor Guardians", are civic-minded individuals who dedicate themselves to maintaining the institutions behind a smooth-running society. They are defenders of the status quo and strong believers in rules and procedures. ESTJs are outgoing and do not hesitate to communicate their opinions and expectations to others.

invisible...

no i haven't forgotten that i have a blog, it's just that things, life and other pressing issues seem to have taken over the priority of blogging and well, despite my best attemps to pour my soul out to the both of you that read this, ok, maybe one of you, it just hasn't happened...



a lot has happened though, since the forementioned funeral and trip with my dad a lot has been going on with me...i was driving to jacksonville yesterday for my mom's birthday and i had this thought while listening to a Point of Grace song, don't remember which one but this thought just came to me and i've mulled it over before, even in a much earlier blog - anyway the thought is "why do some people just 'get it' when in comes to Christianity and the unconditional love and acceptance that comes from Christ and others just seem to halfheartedly bask in it's reality?"



while at lunch my friend made this comment about the sermon from that day - it was on Samson and how out of all the people in the Bible that came from miraculous births, that he was the only one that truly did not live up to his own potential due to his own double-mindedness. a light went off way back in my thoughts, i wonder if that is it, is that truly the key to 'getting it'? Is it our own double-mindedness that prevents us from that greater reality, and our own greater potential? I've struggled myself recently in what i "used to be" and what my life "should be at this point". Am i the reason that it's not what i deem it worth of being? am I my own enemy in this area? when it boils down to it have i chosen to be invisible because it's less painful, less challenging, less... i dare say i don't have an answer to that yet, but i do think it's part of the answer. as Christians we inherently have that same potential in us, we have all been given the same Spirit, and in that logic it is what we choose to do with what Christ has designed us for...why do we not choose to follow Him? why do we choose complacency, and to reside in self pity? why do we choose to glory in what 'we use to do or be' when He is calling us to a greater glory than we can ever find for ourselves?

more later...

to everything there is a season...

well 2008 has started out much differently than I imagined it would...

just a few short days into the year my Uncle Carl passed away - this was my dad's youngest living brother (my dad is the 2nd oldest of 4 brothers, Ernie, Brahm, Carl and James...the two youngest now deceased.) i traveled with dad to Grand Rapids, MI for the memorial and funeral; it was great to reconnect with cousins and other family i hadn't seen in years but even more enjoyable was the opportunity to celebrate the life and faith of a great father, brother, uncle, soldier, grandfather and friend. it was easy to see his legacy of Christ, love and laughter in his 5 kids, and his "9 and a half " grand kids...

i also had the unique opportunity to fly with my dad - an ex-fighter pilot and learned things i never knew before, like did you know what those stripes on a runway are for? i do now!!!
my dad is 80 and it was humorous when he asked his older brother if things had changed much in downtown (Grand Rapids) since he had moved away in 1949! well they had and it was a fun tour to say the least!

i also learned that dad's side of the family is a talented and successful group of people, with great hearts, a passion for the outdoors, and just good people! (not that i didn't know that before, but it was nice to see us cousins all turned out pretty good!)

i salute you Uncle Carl Lewis Malkewitz, you were truly one of a kind and will be dearly missed!

purpose...

"...everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him"
colossians 1:16 (the message bible)

i am resolved...

i’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions. you always see people set outrageous goals.
everyone knows it’s not going to happen.
so do i. so do you.
and yet for some reason this year…well i made a list.


i’ve tried to make them quite obtainable, and realistic..
————————————————————————
hello, 2008. we should be friends.

• find that true purpose that has been so elusive for way too long.
• find a project to plan and organize.
• plan to go on a REAL vacation.
• seek out mission trip opportunities.
• get out debt - finally, completely
• work out more.
• drink more water.
• start that consignment sale that i've wanted to do for many years.
• walk more.
• worship more, with total abandonment.
• read the new testament.
• pray more.
• while in conversation, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. listen. use the phrase "tell me" more far more often.
• kneel more. bow more. value reverence. remember that you’re very, very small.
• seek humility.
• live on less. save more.
• be happy, really happy.
• be honest with God. very honest. He’ll like that.

disruption...

yesterday i heard this thought in a sermon:

"from the moment you accept Jesus into your life, the relationship you have with Him is a disruptive one..."

think about it, Jesus, while though He's a healer, a restorer, a reconciler, all those processes take disruption....they take moving us out of comfortable, cozy, safe, and content, into a place sometimes of confrontation, humility, repentance, vulnerability and surrender...

think about the fact that your life is no longer your own (no matter how hard you try to keep it) that is disruptive - to YOUR plans...but His plans are so much greater...and though some days we tilt our heads, and wonder what the plans He has really are, in our deepest hearts we know He is merciful and gracious...and above all, good... i sometimes am disappointed by my own self, what i haven't done that i said i would, my marriage, the ways things have turned out, the things i use to do that are no longer a part of my life, the fact that i'm not really where i thought i would be at this age, the fact that i'm alone, my struggle with some kind of significance...but then i look at where i could have been, the blessings of the opportunities i have had, the people and friends that have touched my life along the way...they were all part of the disruptions that the Lord knew would be in my life, and could be used for His purposes...I would not be who I am today without them...

so, i choose, i choose to have my life disrupted, for His glory; whatever that disruption may be, I know in the long run it is meant for good, for His glory...

.......................................

"What I'm getting at, friends, is that you should simply keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.

Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing." Philippians 2:12-16, the Message Bible

it's official!

at 3:33 p.m. TODAY!!

I'm 40!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

do YOU get it?

why is it that some people just "get" Christianity - the sold out, passionate, heart changing part of Christianity...how can some sit for years and years under the same exact teaching or ministry or pastor and grow leaps and bounds in their walk, evident by the fruit in their individual lives and others seem to remain stagnant, unchanged? I know it can't be the Word of God...because they both hear the same word; they both may have different life experiences but what is the factor that makes some press in and sell out and truly live every word and promise from God? this has always baffled me...why do some seem to "get it"? is it their own effort? is it their ability to be transparent? what in our lives to we have to let go of to experience that transformation?

all i know is that i desire to be that person - the one that hears the word, does it and is transformed into His image and likeness...i daily lay down "me" - some days better than others, but regardless i do...

how about you? do you think your desire, or effort is equal to the work the Lord wants to accomplish in your life? I know we aren't to strive, but at the same time we are not to remain complacent...

one of my favorite psalms is 139 - and i love the way the message bible puts verses 1-6:

"God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight.

You know everything I'm going to say before I start the sentence.

I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there too

- you're reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful - I can't take it all in!"

not sure how that relates to "do you get it?"

but it's my blog...rambling is allowed!

integrity...

"the difference between
the truth that you know
and the truth that you live
equals the pain that you experience."

-from Craig Groeschel's book Chazown, A Different Way to See Your Life

God put a few passions in your heart. But as long as you deny them and live a lie, you can never live God's purpose for your life. only when what's inside lines up with what's outside can you hope to accomplish what He has called you to do.

"Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves. When our dreams have come true because we dreamed too little. When we arrive safely because we have sailed to close to the shore. Disturb us, Lord." -Sir Francis Drake

Intentionally...

the last few weeks i've struggled with the idea of purpose - and specifically what is my purpose?
today, as i've heard many times in my life the saying "you must live your life intentionally" and for once it struck a chord beyond the mundane - what am i doing every single day that gives my life purpose? what am i doing intentionally to make my life purposeful? it's my choice to have purpose or not...every day...

do i go to work with the intent of reaching someone or the intent of my needs being met?
do i seek out friendships with the intent of honing my gifts or talents or knowledge, and seeing what i can bring to that person, group or event or what they can give me?
do i withhold my heart, and choose not to be as transparent as i should, because i have said to myself that "these aren't my people" and "this place is only temporary" so i guard what could possibly be vulnerable?

yes, the answer is yes to all of these - i have chosen to be miserable and without purpose, for the sake of something more, something better, something else...

i change my choice though, intentionally...

the appendix...

i scribbled this comment a speaker from Catalyst made, he's a pastor, i so get this, we've all thought it, but i'm so glad that he said it out loud....

"you know I love my church, well, 95% of them...did you ever have one of those people in your church that just confounded you? you tilt your head to the side and just ask 'what part of the body are you anyway? i know, maybe you're the appendix, you don't really do anything, but you might just explode and kill us..."

you can't help but laugh out loud, not to mention have a vivid picture of "that" person in your mind...

today i feel like the appendix though, not really sure what i'm suppose to do, and slightly on the verge of exploding...not in the way i think he implied but an appendix still the same...

i need purpose today...

1 cor 8:3 "the man who loves God is known by God."

that is my true desire - to love God and be known by Him

my story...

the last few days i've spent immersed in an incredible experience of worship and teaching, called Catalyst...the focus this year was on the word "Reverb" and what effect can one person have on eternity, and what effect can thousands of people united in like purpose can do for the Kingdom of God...

there were so many nuggets of truth that I dare say I'll be writing about them for days but for today i choose a couple specific truths that liberated me from such old religious thinking and bondage that it is foremost on my heart...

i grew up in a good family, attended church but until my junior year of high school never really knew Him...my high school boyfriend Jim Turner sat me down in my living room one December evening and walked me through the gospel of salvation and my heart and eyes were opened like never before to the reality of my sinful life and the incredible love, forgiveness and grace of Christ. i accepted Him into my heart that night and that following weekend attended church with Jim where I was instructed to make a public confession of what I had done...I walked to the front of the massive sanctuary and prayed with someone briefly then returned to my seat where i was then instructed i needed to be baptized to make it "official" (ok, maybe that wasn't the exact words but you get the point) then the following weeks i struggled as i listened to message after message of "you need to be saved" when in my heart i was constantly thinking, i already did that, what is next, what now??? i attended a "discipleship" class that instructed me to write down my "testimony" of what God had done in my life...i struggled more because i wasn't one of those people that had this death to life transformation, i had never drank, or smoked, or robbed a bank, i had pretty much been a good person that just didn't know they needed a savior...that just didn't know i was separated from my creator that loved me so much He made a way for me to be with Him for all eternity...

well this weekend one of the speakers, Erwin McManus finally addressed that issue at a personal level to me - he basically said that he knew in a crowd of 11,000 christian leaders that most of us had probably never been a "bad" person, we had probably grown up in good homes with families that loved and nurtured us, and that with all well meaning religious instruction for us to "share our testimony" with others, that it was Ok that if our experience was uniquely our own...God intended it that way...

he also said that God understands our needs far more than we can even understand them ourselves...the followers of Jesus need to have permission to be human again... to just share their story, their own individual story, no formulas, no embellishments, but just our real life from our hearts; have we so distorted our minds and hearts (in the name of religion) that we accept life as it is and not as the life God desires for us?

the human spirit cannot live in falsehood; our souls are designed to live and flourish in the truth...the miracle of my story, my salvation is NOT that I have it all together, far from it, but that I'm broken, and I have struggles and I am human; and all those things are brought together by the Master, and designed for something beautiful, to allow other people to see His beauty in our brokenness and His healing...

Jeremiah 1:4
...before I formed you in the womb I KNEW YOU;
...before you were born I SET YOU APART...

amazing isn't it...i've heard those verses for years but now I get it, really get it...

in my parents eyes I may have been a surprise, but God needed me, I was created for His purpose - He needed me; and I have the very same spirit that raised Christ from the dead residing in me - little ol' me that thought she had no story, no value, nothing to say or to share...

I no longer believe I have nothing to say, but Christ in me does...
I no longer believe that I am not empowered for something greater...but I am empowered for His greatness and glory...
I no longer believe that I am not accountable for my minutes and days and years, but that every second of every day is designed for me to glorify Him...

hungry...

I think sometimes the hardest part of relationships is being vulnerable...

knowing you can dare trust to share with someone else with your deepest desires, fears, hurts, dreams...i think that it however is an admirable and courageous person that understands the need to be vulnerable with others regardless the personal price; the need to be real; ...in the context of good relational boundaries, vulnerability can lead to freedom; ironic isn't it - what we fear most can also liberate us best...

vulnerability does not come naturally though to most - usually because vulnerability is also the place where our wounds lay fresh, open, broken...healing was designed by God through the vulnerability of our relationships, with our "family" in Christ...let's face it though, we are all messed up; and in God's infinite wisdom He has placed other messed up people in our lives that are meant to minister to our deepest "messes"...maybe because they have already been there, maybe because they are at the same exact place, maybe because they see where we are headed; all i know is that i am grateful for those people, and today i make a conscious choice to allow God to lead me to those people to which I will find growth and healing


Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy
I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You , so I wait for You

Kathryn Scott/Vineyard Music

When I say I'm a Christian...

"A woman's heart should be

so hidden in Christ

that a man should have to

seek Him first to find her."


When I say I'm a Christian...
by Carol Wimmer

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

agreement...

i have come to the profound conclusion that somewhere between dreams and reality is the actuality of where we exist. not live mind you, but exist...not the place we function on a day to day basis, not the place we fantasize of what we could be or what could have been, but the place where our actual thoughts develop into the actual actions we take...
i know we are composed of a mind, a will and our emotions...my emotional side has definitely been on overload the last month, doing battle with my own will; my mind has been the rational and sometimes irrational mediator of it all...
i started thinking amongst all this battle about the power of, and in, agreement, that if you have two together it is more powerful than one; i somehow think that applies to our own thinking; if our mind and emotions are in agreement, then our will has to follow; if our will and our mind are in agreement, then likewise our emotions will have to follow; it's those times when the three are all at odds with one another that we need to surrender to the agreement of a friend or even greater the agreement of scripture in that circumstance;
it leads me to remember where it says in Philippians about "what to think on"; the amplified version even says "fix your minds on them"...those things that are true, honorable, lovely pure, gracious, virtuous, praiseworthy...how many times do I allow my thoughts to run rampant on the what ifs, in life, in relationships, in situations instead of filtering the thoughts on the things that God tells us to think on...how many times does that simple act of relinquishing my thoughts to my emotions or will allow agreement to happen but in a wrong direction?
yes, ultimately we are free to do, to think, to act however we want, but 1 Cor 6 says that our freedom is for Christ and it must be filtered through these 3 things (stella paraphrased version) one, does it glorify Christ? (my freedom is for that purpose alone) two, is it helpful, beneficial to the body of Christ, and three, is it wise for my life? if i take a step back i can answer those questions very simply for every challenge i face, and choice i feel i must make...it's the choosing to agree with God's ways and not mine own where the battle truly lies...

capacity...

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord, and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God...

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us: no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.
Sacrifice and offering You do not desire, nor have You delight in them: You have given me the capacity to hear and obey Your law, a more valuable service than burnt offerings and sin offerings which You do not require.
Psalm 40:1-3; 5-6

we cry to the Lord and He in His mercy leans down to us, but how many times have we thrown up our hands, and are no longer patiently waiting?
our steps are ordered, but how many times do we search out our own rocky paths?
the songs are there too, but how many times do we keep them to ourselves, afraid that our voice doesn't need to be heard?
how many times does HE think about me - Wow, He really does???
we are given the capacity, but how many times do we choose not to use it?

Got CHI?

i ran into some friends from church tonite that coordinate foreign exchange students for this area...they currently have a student living with them that was a former exchange student from China that has graduated and is now back here for college, her name is Zhand or Z for short, and a second one currently staying with them is a high school student from China also that goes by the name Vera- they are both adorable, sweet girls...

i joined them all for dinner tonite at the local chinese restaurant, both girls like to go here since it's the closest to "home cooking" you can get in douglas, ga...


from the moment we sat down, a sweet liitle boy who i later found out his
name is CHI (like chee) adopted me - his mom works there and they too
have only been in the US for a very short time...he grabbed me by the hand at the table and escorted me to the buffet, where he promptly pointed to the yellow and then the red jello, and then a bowl - he doesn't speak a lick of english, but was so adorable, and a child's laughter is so wonderfully universal, and trust me, he could communicate very well by his facial expressions...he did say jello too by the end of the nite!

as i walked to my car to leave, he motioned to me as if to ask "can i come too?" his mom was so sweet to let him know that we would all be back to play with him soon!

what a blessing it was to meet all of these students!
i think i have a new best friend too...