#Save...

If you haven't heard about One Word, it's a great way to make your New Year's Resolution, or goal for this new year.  I knew that going to the gym, or going on a new diet, or even committing to blog more just weren't my thing for this year, but I really wanted to challenge myself to save more and spend less.   So my One Word:  SAVE

While my personal monetary savings goal is higher than this, it's a great way to get started and to stay consistent!  You start with $1 the first week, add $2 the next, and so on for all 52 weeks and you'll end up with $1378.00 by the end of the year.  So, Ready, Set, Go!!   You Can do it too!

Image and printable savings chart courtesy www.lifeasyouliveit.blogspot.com

Living the dream...

My husband called me in the middle of laundry, mopping the floors, washing the dishes, no make-up, still in the pj's...you know those kind of mornings...and the asked "what ya' doin?"  I replied, "Oh, you know, living the dream..."  He laughed a hearty laugh and when we hung up the phone I had the thought  "how can I be living the dream if I don't know exactly what the dream is?"  I've never written it down...although I have many ideas in my mind.

So my goal this week is to do just that.  Actually write down all those little things that I see in my life as components of that dream, so when that day comes, I can truly say, "I'm living the dream!"

HaPpY NeW yEaR!

my thoughts today reflect mainly on, is this the best person I can be?  I keep asking myself "is the reason I don't have the life I envision because I'm not the person I am suppose to be or the reflection of the person I want to be with?"
If the relationship I have is not what i want it to be, is it because I'm not "enough" of what it takes to bring to that relationship?  hmmm....
If I am not reflecting Christ, how can I expect someone else to reflect what I'm not reflecting?  I guess I can't....have I just settled for "ok"?  Seems that way...but I don't want to settle...in my minds eye I see this passionate, caring, fun, adventurous life, but have I not sown those things? Instead there is resentfulness, stress, disappointment...have my expectations let me down?

'nuff said...

‎"Why does God always have to correct me through other people?

Cause your not close enough to Him, for Him to do it Himself!"

-Pastor Jim Laffoon

the birthday...

today i turned 43...wow, saying it outloud makes it so much more...uh, painful...in an introspective, self-analytical kind of way...

i never thought this is where i would be, doing what i'm doing at this point in my life...i figured i'd be sending my kids off to college, not missing the fact i was never able to have children;  i figured i would be doing something "great" for God, a ministry, a missionary, a...you fill in the blank, not the invisible smallness of my daily life..

i want this year of 43, (ugh, still hard to say!) to be a year of new vision, new direction, passion, deep friendships and growth, and a year that i don't let slip by without finding out once again what i am meant to be doing for the Lord...

i know in my sarcasm, this is not a time of invisible smallness, yet it's hard to shake those feelings most days...i know my sacrifice will be rewarded even if that's not the reason i'm here...a few weeks back i posted of the awkward feeling of no longer being able to define myself by my profession, or my skills, or because there is the word "minister" behind my job title or my "importance" to others...i'm ok with that now, because i think this season in my "garden" of life is one of pruning, deep pruning, painful some days, but the opportunity to maybe finally see that what i do in my outward daily life, is really not who i am...

one of my favorite singers, JJ Heller, has a song called "True Things" and i see that the longing of my heart, to know God's love like I've never truly allowed myself to surrender to, is the only true thing i long for...in your love i am waking up...

"TRUE THINGS" - Lyrics

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing, 
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack

I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am


There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry


I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief


Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up

what's next?

lately I've been wondering "What's Next?"  At least in terms of what will I do when this phase of caring for the folks is over...I've been researching businesses, I like the bags I sell and love the fundraisers to the schools so that is a definite option.  Another thing I've always liked was Consignment Sales - not a storefront but a seasonal sale of kids clothes or home furnishings;  I met a couple ladies when I lived in Nashville that hold both, they started out in their garage with kid's clothing and now have a HUGE sale twice a year, franchises of their plan and a furnishings sale...I've always been iterested in the business and that always comes to mind when I start "planning" for the next phase...I can do it anywhere, and it's a great concept - I would like to have a "non-profit" charity side to my biz...maybe something in conjunction with Soles for Souls or something like that, some kind of practical, hands-on, offering of Christ's love.. who knows...just brainstorming...oh, here's a shout out and a link to my Nashville inspirations:  http://www.encoresandmore.com/

can you say awkward?

last night i attended a "networking" social to benefit the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life...one of those things I had been to a billion times in my professional career, heck I planned or coordinated half of them...however, this was different...awkward to me actually...


those that know me, know I've never met a stranger...I'm an extrovert and pride myself on being able to converse with anyone...not so much anymore it was painfully apparent...I didn't realize how much "what I did" was so much a part of my identity...when person after person asked "so, what do you do?" I somehow felt inferior and almost embarrassed to answer "I take care of both my parents full time..." followed by the almost pitiful "Oh" response and something to the effect of "That must be really difficult" or "I'm sure they appreciate it".  And then the "Well, it was nice to meet you..." and move on to the next, more interesting and successful person...


I'm not sure which disappointed me more...the feeling that I no longer have anything of worth to contribute  because I don't have a "job" or a "career" or the feeling that my worth is only portrayed to others by what I do...It was partly heartbreaking and partly eye-opening.  What makes up the worth of a person? Is it their connections and their potential to make money for others? Or is it the value of the commitment to thier family and beliefs? I would hope it was the latter.


As I drove away, I felt empty, awkward, no longer able to contribute, no longer a place that I belong or am important...are the days of valuable experiences I had not worth the time I've spent "away" from corporate America?  Are the years of business building, networking and successes voided because I no longer interact on a daily basis with the "rat race" and the "keeping up with the Joneses?"  The fact my PDA is no longer booked, I don't "lunch" with the "in" crowd, much less get out of my PJ's before noon if I'm lucky, somehow makes me "less"?  I'm perplexed, saddened...


My contentment, fortunately, comes from within and comes from the God that has personally chosen me and my heart to reside.  I love the lyrics from JJ Heller's song, Until You Came Along, "Falling in love with you was easy, You were always meant to have my heart; I was broken all to pieces,  You were there to be the missing part."   


But I have to admit, in my own humanness, I did feel somewhat inadequate to those that were "doing" something...guess I have to admit that I just want to be "somebody" to those around me...and in a way, I'm not anymore...


Awkward...it's just new to me, and I don't like it...I admit I'm not in familiar waters both professionally and personally...I was always the confident one, the one who knew where she was going, what was next, who she was...not so much anymore...

Who will love me for me???

Do you know the ONE today that will love you for you?

pressing on...

Yes, I'm a slacker...I think more than a slacker I've been hoping that now that it's October things would be dramatically different...they aren't...however, the milestone that September brought, the 2 year mark of taking care of mom and dad, has come and gone and I guess I've just stopped fighting it, and things have been calm...

I've been thinking of painting the bedroom and bath, de-cluttering the tiny one-butt kitchen even more, and cleaning out closets....I guess that's a step from the denial of being here so long that if I left things be it would be over quicker...yeah, not so much...

Football is back, that has been a much needed weekend enjoyment...Starbuck is huge and still a sweetie pie of a puppy...Florida's version of "fall" is in the air, the patio is a nice retreat...fund raisers have started with my biz and that's a nice perk too...in December I'll actually start making money for some of my efforts courtesy of the state so that's nice too...and I've been quite infatuated with the color orange, go figure...

Don't really know what the significance of 2 year mark was...but I keep pressing on for what comes next...and hoping for an answer...

regrets, resentment, and reality....

it's been a rough couple of weeks...and the three "r's" keep popping up in the scheme of things...regrets, resentment and reality...

first regrets, just one mainly, one of those "one that got away" moments and wondering years later how things would have been different today if i had only gone back and had a "do-over"....guess i will never know...

second, resentment...big one lately, each day i grow more and more resentful of my parents not having the foresight to plan ahead for their latter years and have the expectation of their children giving up their own lives to care for them...i hate it but it is what it is right now...

and finally reality...i'm hurting, really hurting and i just want the pain to go away...i just want someone to take 5 minutes to listen beyond the "yeah i'm good" look me in the eyes, see the pain, and just care, and to not be alone...

heart pictures...

I had the most amazing experience this weekend, I tried to define it but the words escaped me....it was a moment that i had experienced many years ago, a physical tangible moment in time that stayed with me all these years...it was precious, passionate, unforgettable...

i tried to find one term that could encapsulate it, it wasn't de-ja-vue, because de-ja-vue defined is "The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time."   This was no illusion, it was experienced once then again 25 years later...so have no clue if there is an actual term for that, serendipitous, maybe...but for the record here is how it plays out in my mind:

"it was like de-ja-vue but so much better - it's like many years ago, my heart took a picture of a moment in time that i never wanted to forget, and this weekend, after all these years, I came across it, pulled it out,  and cherished that picture all over again...my heart is smiling, again..."

hmmm...

"Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God." - John Piper

trophy wife....

"i decided that my for

next marriage, i'm going

 to be a trophy wife..."

random balance...

all things decently and in order....i think in my struggle to balance things the balancing act itself also becomes a struggle...

i was always taught to play by the rules, never really the rebellious one, i would question authority when things didn't seem fair, or more importantly just...

there's a line in my personality profile that states it best:  does not tolerate incompetence in others....oh i could write pages on this one...

common denominator? balance...i recently received a small silver ring that i wear on my thumb that is engraved forgiveness on one side and balance on the other, the center part of the band spins...and it's a daily reminder to offer forgiveness, ask for forgiveness and receive balance in the process...

the list...

ok, so i'm starting my "bucket list" if you will, more like a list of everything i want to do when this season of my life ends...

plant hydrangeas - oh yeah, get a house
cubs game at wrigley field!
2012 olympics, be there!
alaska!
lobster in maine
ice skate again, a lot!
visit baltimore, chicago and denver
condo at the beach
go see the gang in MHC
fall in love, all over
go on a missions trip, every year
relax, sleep late, snuggle more - lots more!



...more to come!

i've had enough...

i guess in my heart i've felt this for a long time, but I have just finally succumb to the fact that its my reality....what i thought, was my life was significant, its not, its just a daily continual realization that i really am as invisble as i feel.

at one time i thought i was going to be someone special, in others lives, in a marriage, in work, in everything...daily those false illusions have died, piece by piece until now...all those thing i use to be are just that, used...all the things that i imagined of how i hoped for my life to be are shards of mirror on the floor that have no place but to be swept to into the dust...

all the words spoken, fallen on deaf ears;  the actions, the intentions, the desires now buried;  enslaved to my obligation, my heart has died...this shell only hosts disappointment, unbelief, ugliness...with nothing left to say...and as always, no one that wants to listen...

Coping?

I've allowed myself to become detached, numb. My heart is a tender one that has desired to help every need I see. I cry deep tears of Holy Spirit grief. I am overwhelmed by the love of God and his provision, while in a hurricane of confusion of 'this not my home' place I live, for the time being.


My head is flooded with questions and I've avoided my heart. I don't want to confront self-righteousness and pride that are encamped. Pressing in, I go to the throne room, freely allowing the images of death, destruction, and complete devastation to wash over my heart, to penetrate my spirit. God meets me there, in the deepest of deep. Darkness will not overcome.
 
I'm exhausted from Cope. He has been a sneaky, stealthy four letter word. Long ago I gazed at him shiny and new, so appealing to my emotion. Cope would make me feel better about myself. I bought the jumbo pack. But Cope only left a bad after-taste and made me sick to my stomach. The promise on the package lied.  I'm tired of substitutions and I want Hope.

For 32 years now I've had "nerve damage."  My polite way of saying a nerve disorder; supposedly incurable, partly defined as a "coping" mechanism, or a self-soothing action....I think of that phrase 'self-soothing" and think back of times where the disorder wanes and things in life are calm, then I think of the times when i'm overtaken and the self-soothing of the repetitive, self-destructive behavior that really doesn't self soothe, but leaves a hole of guilt, shame and unworthiness.    Shame has been my enemy for so long, not sure why, guess it's my own drug of choice....I've asked hundreds of times for the shame to be healed, removed, just gone and to no avail....hundreds of tears for the fruit of the behavior to be struck and pulled up by the roots...still there...the shame however can be taunting, as if I'm not good enough to be healed, delivered, cured....

Most people have no clue that I'm sensitive, and insecure and vulnerable, because my mask of confidence fools them...or does it really?  I think of the times where my opinion has never mattered, or so I've thought, and the times I've so badly wanted to speak up or speak out, but thinking no one would really listen...no to ME...I'm broken, damaged, imperfect...therefore unworthy...

One of my girlfriends told me that some of the other girls I've become acquainted with are "scared" of me - that I seem harsh, or insensitive, hard to get to know.  In my heart I want to be that woman that God's wisdom gushes from in sweet wise words...instead there's only bluntness, only black and white...I wear my feelings openly, if I'm mad, you know it, if I'm sad, you know it...you get the picture...However, I don't think anyone really knows the real me, or has ever taken the time to....hence the shame, the fear, the emptiness...I'm not worthy to be known...

Have I ever really allowed God to have ALL of my heart?  All of me?  I'm tired of just coping...I want more...I want God to tear the band-aid off all the wounds, all the broken places, all the hidden things and stop the coping, and start living...

love?

Take this poem, by Colin Martin...

Find a man who calls you beautiful instead of hot,


Who calls you back when you hang up on him,


Who will ... stay awake just to watch you sleep...


Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats.


Romance I have missed you way too long...I know you're out there...come find me!

?????????????

today is the beginning of the end....

2010

Hello 2010 - I can't believe you are here!  It was literally yesterday that it was 2000, not to sound cliche but my how time flies...

Resolutions?  Well, never been a huge resolution maker, but since I skipped 2009 alltogether maybe I should give it a shot...

• to love Jesus more, as well as my neighbors
• to be more patient
• seek a way to work from home, or find a source of home income to supplement mom & dad
• sleep more (yeah I know, not really in my hands but it's a goal!)
• read more, watch tv less
• grow my hair longer
• walk more, do my 100 sit-ups and push-ups every day, not just some days - six pack by summer :)
• find a hobby

there's a start...

JUST THINK...

you're not here by chance,
  but by God's choosing.


His hand formed you
  and made you
  the person you are.


He compares you to no one else -
  you are one of a kind.


You lack nothing,
  that His grace can't give you.


He has allowed you to be here
  at this time in history
  to fulfill His special purpose
  for this generation...

Mary Did You Know?

written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene

Mary, did you know

that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know


that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know,


that your baby boy has come to make you new?


This child that you've delivered,
will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know

that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know

your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know,

that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

When you kiss your little baby,

you've kissed the face of God.


The blind will see

The deaf will hear

The dead will live again.

The lame will leap

The dumb will speak

The praises of The Lamb.


Mary, did you know

that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know,

that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?

This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.

memories...

in 1985 i graduated from High School and ventured out that fall on the start of my life's journey...i say start, because it was the first time it was MY journey, all mine...not guided or directed by mom and dad, or others, my turn....

it began on third floor of Hawkes Hall at LaGrange College...back then I was a 17 year old freshman, now as I visited there this weekend, one of the first times I'd been back with the exception of when I was engaged (the first time...) to enjoy the old AOPi circle...things have changed since then, the campus is still as beautiful as ever...growing too...my old dorm is now air conditioned (you lucky devils!) You just can't fully appreciate dorm life without airconditioning!  two of the frat houses have relocated, and there are several more buildings than before, yet the same feeling resides - the hope for the future, the excitement of what is to come...the Chapel was open and the same peacefulness I found many years ago while searching for my life's calling still remained - the beauty of the sun through the stained glass windows, the smell of the wooden pews, the years of grace that was poured out to the students that found solace there....i remember many tears in that chapel, but most of all i was reminded that the journey that God placed in my heart so many years ago, the desire to serve Him above all is still rooted in my heart...while I may feel distant right now, waivering at sea, and somewhat misplaced, the anchor is still there...in His hand. 

and then there was the clock tower...not on campus, but still a place of dear, romantic memories...maybe a few regets of the one that got away, but more thoughts of "what could have been" compared to "what is"...i do think that things may be just as they were intended, but still always wonder...

I don't think, however, I could of ever imagined from those small beginnings the route I've taken, so many interesting places I've traveled, so many incredible experiences, people I've had the privilege of meeting, and relationships that have been nurtured through the years...
I was reminded of how in the Bible whenever God brought his people out of something he told them to "make a memorial to me" so you will always remember and never forget what I've done...well LaGrange is a place, that in my heart, I have always held as one of those memorials...as a place I will never forget, a beginning and a place I can look back to as a remembrance of what God has done in my life...

screaming doesn't really help...

you know there comes a point where a good cry or a good scream (with all the windows down over the Dames Point Bridge) really helps...but I think I'm past it....I'm exhausted...everyday every little ounce of life I have left is sucked out of me and very, very rarely is enough put back in to balance out the deficit...I keep saying just hold on, Friday is almost here and 2 days away will really help....

i had no idea when this whole season started it was going to be so hard, i knew it a little but not like this emotional roller coaster.  there are days (most of them) that I ask God when?  when is this going to be over?  I so can't do this anymore...then I feel gulity for asking, which only makes things worse....am i being a whiner?  or just a human at the end of her own ability waiting for something to change?  a little of both i'm sure...

i'm sick of all the mundane, disgusting daily little tasks that in some way should seem honorable and noble...trust me they don't...and trust me I've said it before and I shout it loud - there's a HUGE reason I'm not a nurse...

have mercy on me today Lord...there's only so many more diapers, hankies, tissues, meds., potty runs (you get the idea) I have left in me...

empty...

if there was one word that could describe the place i'm at it's empty...i feel i have nothing left to give, nothing left to say (like anyone listens anyway), and no reason to keep going on....in my mind i know this is temporary, how temporary has become questionable (now month 16) but it will come to an end - its the not knowing when.  every day i just ask for it to be over, selfishly asking i'm sure, but i'm just so....well, empty.
you would think there would be some ounce of fulfillment, something to smile about, some small gratifying moment...there's not...the breaks don't help anymore, just a greater dread of what i have to come back to and a deep despair of when i'll get away again...

mixed reviews...

ok, so I know with Thanksgiving Day approaching I should have something profound to write, well that is someone's expectation I presume...

Thanksgiving Day however I have very mixed reviews....I look at this way, 7 years ago this Thanksgiving Day mom had her stroke, and the "day" itself has not been the same.  Granted, last Thanksgiving Day was the day dad came home from the hospital so you would think that would balance things out...for me it doesn't.  November in general just doesn't score high on my list...it's more a month of sad events then fun family gatherings.  Grandpa died November 7th 1994, Uncle Russell died the week of Thanksgiving 2002, actually the last thing I have that mom wrote before her stroke were from parts of Uncle Russell's eulogy she was helping with.  I had a car wreck the week grandpa died, actually on the way to the hospital to see him.  Maybe I'm focusing on too many icky things but the "day" of Thanksgiving just isn't the same as it was when Grandma was still here and mom was busy hustling and bustling, decorating every platter in the way she could only do.

I'm thankful don't get me wrong, but it's daily not just this one day...  I think I'd like to just keep the old Thanksgiving Day memories and let this just be another day on the calendar...we'll see...

i really miss having a life....

I call you friend.

"Insomuch as anyone pushes you nearer to God, they are your truest friend."
-- Author Unknown

thankful...

well like i said before practicing gratitude changes one's perspective...

when you are thankful for what you have, the "things" that you lack don't seem quite as important....here's my thankful list for the day,

so far:

my POOH!

coffee

the Yankees won!

strawberry - kiwi yogurt

forgiveness

smooch, the 'adopted' kitty

that we made it through October with $14 to spare

computers & the internet

my friend Brenda

creativity

laundry - it means i have clothes to wear

Pastor Russ and SCC

facebook - so nice to be able to be connected to all my friends everywhere

this beautiful day!

still blessed from my free meal from Sunday at Buca di Beppo

life:beautiful magazine

faithful renters

God always providing, and He really does love me THAT much!

maria, the home health aide, she rocks.

sleep :)
diapers that don't leak
hugs and kisses

Chad is at Salvation Army rehab now...

mom laughing, at the right things...

and so much more...

turning the corner...

you ever just have one of those feelings that you've turned a corner in your life and things just have a new outlook? you can't really explain it, things just feel different, your outlook is different - new, fresh. this last week has been like that, albeit it started with a rough nite Friday with mom being awake till 6:30 am (thus me also being awake til then) and just when finally dozing off, the doorbell rings for the cable guy at 8:30...well at least the U-verse was up in time to watch Florida beat Georgia in sparkling hi-definition! and thankfully tonite is daylight savings, so i can hopefully regain a little of last night's missed sleep!

so back to turning corners....i'm not sure if i've just become settled, maybe content is a better word, or if the practice of gratitude has just changed my perspective on things, but things are good. i pay attention to more "little" blessings each day, and am thankful that things are taken care of...the house is refinanced, the renters signed two more years on the lease, i was blessed with an amazing free lunch Sunday totally out of the blue (thanks God, I know you had a hand in that!), everyone is well, the bills are paid...

i've started this new thing too, every time i get frustrated with mom or dad, but usually mom, i pray right then and there...the first few times it was every five minutes, but gradually my patience has grown and the frustration level has decreased...amazing how things just don't really matter when we focus on Him.

anyway, i'm looking forward to what is around this corner...i'll keep you all posted!

Thanks Pastor Andy...

"I know this can't be an easy season, but I am so very proud of you - even though that is not what you seek. But you're right that it's a season and every season has it's success. I too am a person used to being on the move and I can well imagine that I would be feeling the same way...Do remember that the door is not locked and you are there each day by choice, and its a noble choice you have made which sounds odd in a day when so many people are so self-centered...This is possible and you shouldn't consider it optional - whatever else that might cost. Paul said, "I die daily" and I'm sure you could relate."

the garden...

you would think by my blog title that i actually have a garden, a physical one, not so much the spiritual one implied by the original blog entry...well i don't not really, not right now at least. right now it's my parents 4 overwhelming acres that seems to need to be mowed every other day thanks to the fact fall has not reached north florida yet.

i was praying for insight to view the progress in that spiritual garden though, occasionally i have glimpses of where it's at, in a dream or just simply by asking...this time however the glimpse was not what i had expected. there's a section in my garden that has an arch and my favorite climbing rose; it's shady and calm in that little place, an escape from reality almost, the sheer beauty of its graceful rambling, the buttery softness of the masses of blooms...unexpected because it's been hard to feel or see beauty in anything right now, i was expecting the glimpse of the garden to be dry and rocky with more work, more toil...it was a welcome surprise and a refreshment, an encouragment, to keep plowing, keep digging, keep watering, keep waiting...and a welcome reminder that somethings once planted can develop within us and around us on their own, without our labor; just like when we hide God's word in our heart, it grows from within us, silently, expanding, producing a beauty we could never create on our own.

I quit....

I sooooooooooooooooooo can't do this anymore....

just venting....

venting, i guess that's what this is - i'm beyond myself emotionally....cannot wrap my mind around this whole taking care of my parents thing.
i battle daily with personal loss - loss of career, loss of my home, loss of any idea of ever having a future again, loss of fun, enjoyment, sleep....and that loss confronts the fact that mom doesn't want to be in wheelchair, that then turns to guilt in the fact that i'm being selfish that the life that was robbed from her, i can help return to her in some little way daily...yet i'm empty, lonely, ....i'm short tempered, impatient, selfish...desperate for someone that understands
no one does....no one
i even question if Jesus understands, He never had to take care of His mom and dad, He never saw them old and feeble and helpless...How can anyone that has never been there really have any idea....my faith is strong in some areas, but in this one thing Lord help my unbelief...

more often then not, too often that i'm ashamed to admit, i just want it all to be over so i can move on...i'm tired of the fight, the effort, the struggle, the daily battles...i just want to give up, walk away into oblivion, disappear....not that i'm not already invisible anyway, but totally disappear...

there is a balance that eludes me, a satisfaction that evades me, a happiness that is so far from me right now...i know things have been taken care of, but right now it's just not enough...
i have no meaning anymore, no purpose anymore, nothing to strive for anymore - just the daily monotony....nothing to accomplish, only routine; nothing to reach for, only smallness...
i thought i was suppose to be somebody, do something important, guess i was wrong...if this is all there is, i want out...

my prayer...

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory
and He is here



And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship


This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I am filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow.

-Hillsong, "Prayer in the Desert"

men...and marriage...

A young girl asked, 'Is it true Mom, that in some parts of Africa a woman doesn't know her husband until she marries him?' Mom replied, "That happens in every country."

I'm not Leah...and that's OK...

i go through the periods of reflection, i guess we all do, it's part of the growth process...seeing where we are, where we've been, where we'd like to be...this time i've really been asking the Lord to possess character like this person's kindness, or this person's wisdom...i think we all have this image in our mind of who or what we think we should be like and when we see in demonstrated in someone else we think "if i only could be like that!" Maybe it's just me (don't think so but maybe...) i think my picture has changed over the years, i still am envious of those women that seem to spew Godly gentleness and kindness with their every word, that when they open their mouths you know greatness is getting ready to happen...i think that picture always had this part that said "you are going to be somebody" you know, someone significant...

as i was reading an article of a interior decorator that i admire, i remember saying in my heart, "Lord i want to have her life, to be just like her..." and as clear as you are hearing these words from me, the Lord spoke to my heart and said "You will never be 'just like her' because I have made you 'just like you'. Not that your are any lesser than her, or greater than her...just different than her." The things you have done and experienced and have lived I have specifically designed for you, she couldn't do what you have done, you couldn't do what she has done...it's that simple...take joy in knowing I admire you for exactly who and what you are and enjoy transforming and changing you into my image and walking with you in your perfect will...

no matter how insignificant i think my life may be, i guess i have become significant, in God's plan...so I praise God for my bluntness and ask Him to sprinkle it with kindness, and I praise God for my inability to say the right thing all the time and ask Him for His grace when i truly need His words, and I praise God for making me, me...and ask that He continues to change me to all that He wants me to be...


I still admire Leah's talent, and when she speaks how her words flow of God's love and sweetness, and, oh, i really like her haircut...but I'm Ok to NOT have her life, because God has given me mine...and even though at times it seems small, and insignificant to me...He doesn't see it that way...

feed me...

I heard this story today and thought it was an amazing illustration on selfishness. It was taught in the context of marriage, but you will see how it can be applied in all areas of selfishness in our lives:

"It was a story I had heard years ago about the difference between heaven and hell. I really liked it and had used it for years. It isn't a biblically accurate story, but that's not the point. It is accurate related to human behavior and how our attitudes affect our happiness in life and in marriage. Here it is.
In heaven and in hell there is a banquet table where people are seated and before them is a great feast. A strange dilemma both in heaven and in hell is the way they must eat. In both places every person has eating utensils strapped to their hands that they cannot take off. Also, the utensils are too long for them to feed themselves. There is no way they could scoop food and return it to their own mouths.
In heaven, the people find the solution easily. With joy, they just feed each other and have a great time of fellowship as they serve one another and enjoy the feast that heaven offers. Hell is much different. The people in hell are so selfish that they would rather starve to death than help someone else. Therefore, even though they have the same food available, they never experience it because they refuse to serve each other.
Like I said before, it isn’t an accurate account of what the Bible says and most likely it will never happen. It is however, a very accurate picture of the difference between good and bad marriages. The primary difference in many cases between success or failure in marriage is simply whether you are motivated by selfishness or a servant attitude.

Just like in the story, we can’t meet our own needs. We are helpless to give ourselves the things that only our spouse can give. Also, just like in the story, a banquet is set before us in marriage. Both of us bring to the marriage amazing giftings, abilities and traits that can nourish and bless our spouses. However, they can only be experienced if we focus on each other and are willing to serve and give.
I remember back to our marriage in the "hell" days when I was too selfish to meet Karen’s needs or focus on her. We lived in an emotional wilderness where both of us were miserable. I resented Karen for not meeting my needs and she felt the same way about me. Karen was better than me though, because she was the first one willing to feed me even if I wouldn’t feed her.
I also remember when our season in hell ended and the "heaven" years began approximately thirty years ago. I saw the light and repented for my selfishness. Since then Karen and I have been committed to serving each other and meeting each others needs. Our marriage has been blessed ever since and has grown in passion and intimacy."

are you willing to "feed others" around you?

wordle, part 2

http://www.wordle.net/

honor your father and mother, part 2...

well it's been a while since i've taken any time to sit down and write; things have been so different these last few months - i've been back here 8 months now and there are days when i think i'm truly going crazy and days where i rejoice knowing i am honoring my parents...

some days i wonder, how much longer...then i return to the thought of what must happen and what the family i must go through to get to the next step...

some days i wonder if this is all there will be for a long time....

i miss "my" life...my friends, my home, my work (who'd think i'd ever say that!)

things are really simple, somedays too simple...

i do read more, sleep less, work harder in the yard, in the house...and some days i work less...

i look forward to selling my house in GA and paying off some debt...

i spend a whole lot less...don't really "need" much either...

i look for opportunities to make some money but don't stress about bringing in the big bucks anymore...

a hectic day is too many diaper runs and the cable going out...well at least the cable part is a big deal to mom & dad, i like the peace and quiet personally...

never thought i would enjoy a trip to wal mart or the pharmacy, but it gives me some normalcy...

a treat is still starbucks, and sundays are still cherished as a day of rest and refreshing...

i still have the perfect house plan, not sure where it will be built...i think of the day when this is "all over" and what i will do, travel to nashville i'm sure, travel somewhere, maybe rent a RV and just go and go until i find that perfect place for the house...oh, and i'll sleep, all nite...

no one ever said how hard this would be...i like being skinny though, i've lost 26 pounds, think it's around 22 now though...that's still ok, i love being a size 4 or 6 and sometimes 8, it's all relative anyway...

SMILE!!!

I got my braces off today! HAPPY SMILE! (ignore the hair, just look at the teeth!) Thanks to all at Fender-Goggans Orthodontics!

design your life...

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose ..."

-switchfoot

2009!

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Healthy Self-Knowing Believer

november...

i have been here in Jax. for 8 weeks now, probably the most challenging and emotional of my life...since last writing dad has taken a turn for the worse in the dementia realm, much better almost healed in the foot infection side though....
i have rented our house to a nice Christian couple for 2 years, Bills are still covered, mom is very well. I continue to Praise God daily for ordering our steps and blessing us as we honor my mom and dad. God is so faithful in taking care of every little thing as He promised me from the day I arrived - I just have to let Him and stop getting so stressed so easily when things seem so overwhelming...

Moving stuff out of mom & dad's has been a struggle, the stuff just keeps multiplying...and the time is limited. this weekend to moving all the stuff from GA to a temporary storage unit while we are getting the carpet done, etc...
In my mind I've redesigned the entire home...it's going to take a while to get there though.

Emotionally I've been on a roller coaster, dad good one minute, crazy the next....it's hard, sad and at times I pray to Jesus to release him, take hin into His loving arms and go peacefully to heaven in his sleep....I know I'm horrible to think that, I just don't want him to lose all his faculties before he goes...I just want him to be at peace and out of pain...

I love my dad but admit am scared to care for him and mom together. Mom is pretty easy, very set routine and predictable...dad, well today not so much... today he spent his time on a ship, on the deck where he was told to take his post, as well as getting verbally abusive and agitated to almost everyone he came in contact with...we are seeking an additional psych consult, trying to find some happy medium in his treatment...i pray each day for wisdom and more wisdom and strength from somewhere I know I don't seem to possess, at least emotionally...

I love you dad, I pray for peace and a sound mind...

october...

i thought since i barely made it with the september post that i should try to get the october one in, well, in october...
so where do i begin...the decision to move to my parents has been an easy one and a hard one. At my age, giving up the white picket fence american dream may seem crazy, and stressful but i know the choice is the right one. My mom came home a day and a half after being at the nursing home, i cried the whole way home after leaving here there knowing that it just wasn't what was best for her. she is relieved. i am too.
dad's foot continues to improve and his physical therapy is going well. there have been some other issues as far as crazy talking and some periods of disorientation that we're not sure is just old age or a side effect of blood sugar being not quite under control...
i've done several things i've never thought i would have to, visited a funeral home to get all the info on their gravesites, right next to grandma and grandpa...done a budget for my parents and started to sell most of my possessions to make room in their home...
i have planned in my head the remodel that i hope will one day happen...we'll see, for now it's the endless battle of packing all the stuff still upstairs and take part to goodwill, the rest to Abbie's for the eventual yard sale.
God has provided even down to the boxes needed for packing and daily i do enjoy a great quiet time with Him, it's my only sanity really...He has promised that all will be taken care of and I trust Him fully, although it's still so hard for me to not try and figure it all out and plan how it will work...God has covered the initial hospital bill of $118,000 and all we owe is $1024 - Praise God, and I know He will continue. Homeowner's insurance has been reviewed and lowered, taxes are going down, the Discover bill is paid and all is provided each and every day.
As I prayed last night God continued to remind me that He will work it all out...I'm just ready for ther house to be sold or rented in GA...

and though i feel small and insignificant, I know if "I honor my parents it will go well with me" now if the patience part of me will just kick in that would be great...
I love you Lord, thank you for all you have done and all you are continuing to do...

September...

most of September has been a blur to me, especially since it's now October 7th and I'm just saying that...on September 16th my sister called me in tears saying dad has to go into the hospital and she needs help taking care of mom. i understood and made some adjustments at work thinking I'd be home in a few days...

well the news came dad would need to be hospitalized 4-6 weeks, and my perspective quickly changed to part fear, part panic, part what am i going to do? mom needs full time care as most of you know from her stroke and for anyone that has been a caregiver full time my heart goes out to you - it's exhausting...compare it to a 120 pound 3 month old - she can't walk, talk, or do those other things by herself...she is however in good health, just impaired physically...

after about 10 days of this my sister and i thought that a nursing facility may be our best option so we researched and found a Christian facility that seemed to be perfect...we told mom, it was horrible...but we took her anyway. on Friday October 3rd...i left the facility physically sick, knowing we had made the worst decision ever and on that Friday nite as I was driving home feeling selfish, and like i had abandoned my own mother, i called Abbie in tears and she agreed it was the wrong choice. I told her to find out what we have to do to discharge her and i would be back Sunday to stay at home with her...

i will be moving in the next few weeks progressively to Jacksonville, to the home i grew up in. Downsizing myself, selling off a bunch of what we won't need for a season and moving into the upstairs of their home till...

it's a huge transition, my boss in GA is wonderfully letting me stay on and work remotely, and i am believing for the peacefulness of the situation, dad to continue to heal quickly and all other things to fall into place, especially for John to find a job he loves and enjoys and is financially rewarding as well, and for our home in Douglas to rent or sell quickly.

i look forward to the prospect of being finally out of debt, although i would have never dreamed it would come like this...

gotta love hurricanes...

growing up in Florida you get use to a hurricane or two now and then...and the traditional clean up the yard after the hurricane...well Fay hit about two weeks ago, and decided to hang out over North Florida and South Georgia for about a week dumping record rains...don't get me wrong we needed the rain but the after clean up has been not so fun...
Drove down Saturday morning to mom & dad's who have a HUGE yard on the river in Florida, and luckily for us it rained the entire time we were suppose to be cleaning up. we all voted to wait till hurricane season was over and do one big cleanup...
but that's not the best part, the last couple times I've been down I've felt I really needed to talk to mom and find out for sure that she had accepted Christ. mom is 76, and actually I've had the great opportunity to pray with my grandfather, grandmother and now mom to make sure they are certain of their relationship with Jesus. I asked mom if she remembered what i talked about at grandma's funeral, when I shared of how I got to pray with my grandmother. she nodded yes (mom can't talk much since her stroke) and I asked her if she wanted to do that - ask Jesus in her heart. She nodded yes again, and so we said a quick prayer and now like with grandma, and grandpa I know for sure...
i love hurricanes...

namesake...

i LOVE this photo - it's my grandma Estelle and

my grandpa Jimmie...this is who i was named after,well part of the name - Maria is from my dad's mom but i never got to meet her, she passed before i was born, then of course my grandma Estelle, my mom's mom...

they were married 66 years before grandpa passed away, and just about 10 years later grandma Estelle passed away at 95...

i miss them both but what a great legacy they left behind...